To feel my friend is being petty over cuddles with her baby

[Billynomatesonhere]

One of my close friends (Friend A) has just had her 2nd baby - as background context, she was the first of our group to have a baby so the whole group was desperate to come over and see the baby early on and have lots of cuddles which my friend was happy to do.

Anyway this time round I wasn’t invited round to meet the baby until he was 8 weeks old and wasn’t offered a cuddle which I totally respected as it’s her baby & post partum can be different each time.

However, there have been photos on the group chat of some of the other girls meeting & cuddling the baby - I saw one of them yesterday and she basically said that Friend A told her that she was treating their girls in the group the same way they treated her when we all had babies. So the girls who were happy for her to hold their babies, have been allowed cuddles and photos.

Now I know it’s 100% the Mums decision, but I just feel quite humiliated by the whole thing. I had a very stressful pregnancy and was worried about germs so I was a bit cautious about people coming over and then it just happened that baby was always asleep when my friend came over. So yes she didn’t get to hold my baby, but it wasn’t a personal thing. Whereas this feels personal as a couple of us are being singled out.

We are all due to go out for brunch next week and I’m thinking of not going as I feel like I’m going to be singled out.

AIBU to feel like my friend is being quite petty ?!

This! OP thinks she has a great excuse, but then sits there scrutinising photos of other people and counting cuddles, Jesus wept.

Or maybe you felt what it felt like being around you and your baby. It probably didnt feel nice for her. You had a right to refuse cuddles, your friend has the right to it too. You had your reasons, she has hers. The humiliation is in your head. No one cares, your friends are not pointing you out on the streets shouting "Look at the woman who didn't get to cuddle the baby". No one cares. You can grow up or keep a tally of stuff you will now withdraw as a retaliation for no cuddles.

I think this all sounds very silly, but Ive never understood why anyone would want to hold someone else’s baby.

This is so unnecessary. Hold on... are you the friend??

OP said that she had a stressful pregnancy and was worried about germs. Those feelings and behaviours post-partum can be like no other.

she's not said that this is still how she thinks about germs, just that that's how she felt as a new mum. And I think it's so sad that her friend took offence and couldn't just empathise that as a new mum we can feel anxious and even paranoid at times.

if the friend had that same paranoid then OP would likely empathise with those feelings, but the friend is just being spiteful.

either way, OP I wouldn't let this bother you. You visited her when she had the baby, and maybe she had some internal victory about keeping you from holding the baby... but she's lost sight of the friendship

I don’t get why you care but she doesn’t at all sound like a nice friend (or mother!) if she see her and others babies as a commodity to passed around. All seems a bit petty

I think you should graciously move past this op. It feels personal because that’s how she felt when you said no cuddles. Yes you applied it to everyone, but your friend was personally hurt.
of course, if she’s childishly petty in lots of ways, I’d find a new friend.

You need to grow up. Nobody was allowed to cuddle your baby but you expect to cuddle friends babies. If you are so desperate to cuddle a baby have another of your own.

Same. Outside of overexcited grandparents, what is with all these people desperate to get their hands on a newborn asap?

You’re both being ridiculous. Happy to help.

it was your decision to be the way you were, same as it’s hers. I would just suck it up

I’m sorry this is crazy. I honestly don’t remember which friends did or didn’t allow me to hold their baby and I’m not fussed either way. When DD was born I was happy for people to hold her but obviously not kiss her (my friends are all very normal sensible people so this was a non issue).

If I did have a friend who was very anxious and didn’t let me hold her baby then that’s fine. I would not wait years for the opportunity to throw it back in her face with my own baby. Your friend is fucking weird.

How very weird and immature this sounds.
Why are you all so desperate to cuddle babies anyway? Get a puppy or something!

Eeeh, I kind of see her point. If you were a bit precious about people holding YOUR baby, I can see how they might reciprocate. Yes, it's petty and silly, but people are often petty and silly.

At the brunch, I'd do one of two things. Either be extremely casual about baby. Literally don't mention it. Or alternatively, GUSH about it like you've never gushed before. If you're the one who wants to know ALL the details, and wow over all the photos, you'll have an invitation before the week is out.

I’d be hurt too. I think it’s a little petty of friend A. However, she’s suffering from post partum hormones as her reaction shows, just as you did when you had your baby. We all react in different ways.
I would arrange a coffee, just the two of you (plus babies if required) and just try to chat about it. If you’re good friends then hopefully she will be able to see you’re coming from a place of love and concern and she will be able to give you the same back. I think you can clear up this misunderstanding with some gentle communication.

This!!!

This sort of thing is exactly why I dont bother having groups of friends! I have a couple of good friends and that is it! Its all very childish! Tit for tat games with one another and talking behind one anothers backs. You all need to grow up!

Tell her you don't care. It's only a baby. What's the big deal?

First post nails it. Don’t gush over the baby, keep the talk away from kids and don’t give her ammunition.

Is she bringing the baby?

This - it sounds like she was hurt how things turned out with her visits with your baby
I would forgive and forget and go to the lunch (and I’m someone who doesn’t F&F easily!) Don’t be petty go and enjoy yourself and be kind to your friend.

They probably all hate you and have been talking about you ever since you refused to allow them to hold your baby.

Yeah I'd never ever speak to them again.

😵‍💫

I think you both sound childish. Especially her with her tit for tat behaviour.

My thoughts exactly. I have different friends from different jobs and walks of life. Not one group of "The Girls". That would be my worst nightmare.

Why do you care? anyhow....Act uninterested in the baby and maybe she'll start practically begging to pass the baby over to you. Like cats are with people that don't like cats :)

As others have said, why would you particularly care about cuddling another person's baby? I don't get it. Personally I'm just happy to look at the baby, that'll do!

Do you know she said this, or did this come second hand?

Was there any particular reason you were so worried about germs, like your baby was very premature? If not, then your baby and her baby are in the same boat and I think she's just decided that you reap what you sow. It's not a biggie.