To feel my friend is being petty over cuddles with her baby

[Billynomatesonhere]

One of my close friends (Friend A) has just had her 2nd baby - as background context, she was the first of our group to have a baby so the whole group was desperate to come over and see the baby early on and have lots of cuddles which my friend was happy to do.

Anyway this time round I wasn’t invited round to meet the baby until he was 8 weeks old and wasn’t offered a cuddle which I totally respected as it’s her baby & post partum can be different each time.

However, there have been photos on the group chat of some of the other girls meeting & cuddling the baby - I saw one of them yesterday and she basically said that Friend A told her that she was treating their girls in the group the same way they treated her when we all had babies. So the girls who were happy for her to hold their babies, have been allowed cuddles and photos.

Now I know it’s 100% the Mums decision, but I just feel quite humiliated by the whole thing. I had a very stressful pregnancy and was worried about germs so I was a bit cautious about people coming over and then it just happened that baby was always asleep when my friend came over. So yes she didn’t get to hold my baby, but it wasn’t a personal thing. Whereas this feels personal as a couple of us are being singled out.

We are all due to go out for brunch next week and I’m thinking of not going as I feel like I’m going to be singled out.

AIBU to feel like my friend is being quite petty ?!

Who said horrific?! It’s just petty.

She did have op to visit, just didn’t let her have a cuddle purely out of pettiness (rather than the actual arguably valid reasons op had when it was her baby).

I mean I think it’s all a bit weird to get upset about baby cuddles anyway but there’s no denying op’s friend is being pretty pathetic.

You all sound a bit childish. I wouldn't be friends with people like this, I dont understand it at all.

Its not "humiliating" by the way, do you know what that word means??

Honestly you all need to get a grip. Far more important things going on in life, we arent in secondary school anymore.

None of you sound old enough to have a baby. Jesus Christ.

Crikey, you lot sound like you’re still at school!

So you went and fussed her first baby, then wouldn’t allow baby cuddles/fussing for yours due to concern about germs but now you want to cuddle/fuss her second.

You either think it is unwise to handle newborns or you don’t. Why is it ok for you to risk her babies but it wasn’t ok when it was yours.

She’s postpartum don’t try and cause grief.

Yeah she's not your friend, she's just really weird. She's treating her baby like a pawn in a popularity game. Tit for tat using her 8 week old; you can do much better than that for friends.

What batshittery is this?
Who cares or even notices if they have been offered a cuddle with a baby? Let alone enough to use it against you to prove a point.
She is mental. But so are you for caring.

Maybe she felt how you are feeling now? She may have felt it showed her how your relationship was and has responded accordingly. Sometimes a friend shows you that you're not as close as you thought you were by their actions, so maybe your baby's birth was one of those moments for her?

Your friend has just given birth she is entitled to be as petty as she likes. You on the other hand are not. You will go to the lunch and be charming and thrilled for your friend because you are an adult. No hard feelings.

Arguably the op had valid reasons (germs, don’t want to wake sleeping baby), whilst the ‘friend’ didn’t have a reason other than “you didn’t let me hold your baby so now you can’t hold mine”.

Hardly the same thing.

I think sometimes little things, even if valid, can make you feel the relationship isn't as close as you thought it was. That can change things going forward and mean you aren't admitted to that person's life as much as you once were.

I would never expect someone to wake a baby, and I would never think of visiting if there were any signs of sickness. If someone shows they don't trust me on those things, it does make me feel a certain way about how close we are. They clearly don't know me that well and lack of trust makes a difference in a relationship. That might make me feel like sharing with them comes less naturally. Not withholding or keeping at arms length deliberately, it's just the friendship is in a different place.

If the friend was similarly affected by postpartum worry about germs then she wouldn’t have allowed other friends to hold the baby ( or literally tell people that she’s treating friends the same way they treated her.)

Someone not wanting to risk waking their baby so you can hold them means they don’t trust you?! Wow.

I wouldn’t have risked waking my baby for anyone when they had just gone to sleep/at times of temperamental sleep. Including my own mum. Doesn’t mean I didn’t trust any of them, they can cuddle another time.

Clearly you didn't read my post as I distinctly said, I wouldn't expect anyone to wake their baby up. I don't need cuddles. One of the first things that struck me about the first post was how the baby was being handed around like a toy. Nope. I am there to visit the mother. A cuddle is a bonus, if it happens, but not at all an issue if it doesn't happen.

And those close to me know I will call them if I have doubts about any symptoms to check if they still want me to come over, so yes, those who know me know I can be trusted on that.

Do people really make such a drama over ‘meeting’ a friend’s baby and holding it?

Bloody hell.

I think I've only once cuddled a friend's newborn when visiting. Otherwise I brought a gift and a meal and asked if there was anything else I could do, said a quick hello, and went off.

From her POV she may have felt like you treated her like she would make your baby sick but now feels like "OK, but you're telling me you think it's OK for you to risk making my baby sick? So what, is your baby more precious but mine can be put at risk? Or do I somehow present more of a risk to babies than you do?"

the whole group was desperate to come over and see the baby early on and have lots of cuddles Weird language. Why would anyone be "desperate"

Also, if you wanted to protect your baby from germs, why wouldn't you want to protect her baby from potential germs? It's like the parents who isolate themselves from everyone else for weeks on end then complain they feel isolated.

So am I right, you didn’t want people to have contact with your baby but you expect it from other people? And you’re upset when someone notices? Honestly, if this is your biggest problem, you have led a charmed life.

You dont seem like friends. Move on. She is petty. Dont be petty back.

the thing is you possibly didn’t realise how you made her feel when you had a baby. You obviously went and cuddled her first baby and she made an effort to be ok with that. Then when it was your baby you were suddenly worried about germs. Newborns can also be cuddled when asleep so if you’d really wanted her to have a cuddle you would have just let her cuddle your sleepy new born. I’m not saying you were wrong I’m saying you probably hurt her feelings quite a lot after she welcomed you with her new born. And now you are feeling how she felt.

I agree about the language - very dramatic!

Also who will break the news that ‘meeting’ a baby is a slight exaggeration 🤣

OP, you didn’t want people holding your baby and now she has chosen to stop you - that’s totally her right, even if you are all ‘desperate’.

You all need to grow up. Who cares? Just don’t fawn over the baby. Or give her up as a friend. You all sound about 18

TBH I laughed when I read this and thought fair play to your friend - I think she is just making a point - you can hardly expect different treatment with other people’s babies when you were gatekeeping your own child

yes it’s petty but I admire her actually making a stand

Friend is a moose for using baby to “point score” instead of building baby’s immunity and sociability by encouraging social interaction.

Poor baby because mummy will always be like this, and baby’s relationships will be curtailed by mummy’s nonsense.