To feel my friend is being petty over cuddles with her baby

[Billynomatesonhere]

One of my close friends (Friend A) has just had her 2nd baby - as background context, she was the first of our group to have a baby so the whole group was desperate to come over and see the baby early on and have lots of cuddles which my friend was happy to do.

Anyway this time round I wasn’t invited round to meet the baby until he was 8 weeks old and wasn’t offered a cuddle which I totally respected as it’s her baby & post partum can be different each time.

However, there have been photos on the group chat of some of the other girls meeting & cuddling the baby - I saw one of them yesterday and she basically said that Friend A told her that she was treating their girls in the group the same way they treated her when we all had babies. So the girls who were happy for her to hold their babies, have been allowed cuddles and photos.

Now I know it’s 100% the Mums decision, but I just feel quite humiliated by the whole thing. I had a very stressful pregnancy and was worried about germs so I was a bit cautious about people coming over and then it just happened that baby was always asleep when my friend came over. So yes she didn’t get to hold my baby, but it wasn’t a personal thing. Whereas this feels personal as a couple of us are being singled out.

We are all due to go out for brunch next week and I’m thinking of not going as I feel like I’m going to be singled out.

AIBU to feel like my friend is being quite petty ?!

That’s not the point, she was prob stressed and vulnerable post partem, friend isn’t doing it because she is worried about germs, she’s “getting back” at the op which most genuine friends wouldn’t do

That is doing a discredit to teenagers

Just walk away from it all. Life is too bloody short to spend worrying about people and this nonsense.

A true friend wouldn't keep tabs, punish you months/years later and not give you some space when you'd had a hard pregnancy.

Honestly, it's not worth the headspace.

Maybe friend is affected by post partum too - why is it ok for OP but not for her friend?

I totally agree. I have never got the expectation that everyone (well, women mainly) are expected to swoon generically over any baby that is presented to them in any scenario and usually cry over how cute it is.

I take an interest in babies only in as much as they are going to grow into proper people at some point but I have no interest in them for their own sake.

Its like when someone brings a new baby into the office and the women are immediately expected to take themselves off into a mass of cooing and clucking over it for upwards of half an hour and pass it around like a present. Why? Unless I know the parents well I literally have no interest in some random’s baby and less still in being forced to hold it.

This.

Just don’t take any interest in the baby. It’s quite easy to do if you’re just quiet some of the time. A lot of people just genuinely don’t care about babies!

It is silly and petty of her but equally I wouldn’t really care!

Who cba with that level of petty?! Go to the brunch, make the right noises about baby and ignore.

Its like when someone brings a new baby into the office and the women are immediately expected to take themselves off into a mass of cooing and clucking over it for upwards of half an hour and pass it around like a present. Why? Unless I know the parents well I literally have no interest in so

Urgh yes I hate this, I always say "no thank you! I'm worried I'll drop them" but secretly I have so little interest in holding some random person's baby it feels completely anti social. I hate it. You're meant to look delighted too which is always a bloody lie

Absolutely 100%. I will go further, I have had little interest in friends babies either over the years, beyond being pleased they are happy.

I quite like them when they become little people though and can have a laugh.

The OP said that wasn't the case though. It was about not having the cuddles returned.

Good Lord, surely the only response to this nonsense is a massive eyeroll 🙄

How the heck does she know how hormones are affecting her friend? My goodness, my friends had no bloody idea how I felt post partum - it's private and rude to assume you know how someone feels when theyve just given birth. Talk about being arrogant and rude- GEEZ, what is wrong with you??

I just don't get this obsession with cuddling babies. It's as though babies are being weaponised in some sort of popularity contest. Who cares?

I'm surprised this even needs to be explained. It seems to me like it should be obvious, even to those who don't have any kids. But here goes:

Re holding newborns, situations vary hugely. It's up to the mother (or father), regardless, but getting even or tit-for-tat over it or even remembering it long enough to "enact justice" seems extremely immature (and loony!)

A few examples of why a mother may not allow her newborn to be held, none of which include any just cause for "revenge":

An inexperienced mother may be understandably very cautious and nervous with her first baby and doesn't want germs near the baby. But by the time she has the next one, she's more relaxed and happy to pass the baby around to adoring friends and family.

The flu is going around at the time and a few people the mother knows already have it. There's an incubation period before symptoms show but when people can still pass it on. The mother is anxious about it and prefers people keep a distance from her newborn (since illness in a newborn can be especially dangerous).

The person who asks to hold the baby doesn't even notice that they just sneezed or coughed but a vigilant new mother did and decides it's better to keep her baby safe from possible illness.

A friend happens to arrive when drunko Aunt Martha is there. The new mother has already said no holding the newborn to avoid a possible big family confrontation while still not allowing drunko Aunt Martha to have a turn too, careening around with new baby in her arms.

I could go on and on. Holding or withholding closeness with each newborn comes with many different variables at the time. The mother should and does decide based on what she's comfortable with in that particular situation. But deciding based on a tit-for-tat of who let you hold their newborn, instead of based on what the mother feels is best for the baby at the time is missing allllllll that. It would make me seriously question the mother's judgement, to be honest.

Post partum honestly sends some women absolutely bat shit crazy.

Let it wash over you. You will laugh about it soon.

And I'd be relieved. I don't understand the desire to hold non-related newborns.

I just look at them and remember the colic crying. And they're never cute. It's very rare for a newborn to be cute. Give me a squidgy crawling 9 month old any time.

I forgot to include how babies differ too, in my post above. One newborn can be healthy and hearty but another newborn may be a preemie or sickly and call for more protection from germs.

Or the baby could be colicky or ill and have finally just dropped off to sleep when the visitor arrives. One of another of a zillion reasons why holding a baby might be allowed and appreciated in one situation but not in another.

Yeah, I think I'd skip this upcoming get-together. This behavior is strange and not very nice.

OP, I'm wondering if this woman has shown any other strange behavior in the past, that you know of.

I just want to suggest people hit the "report" button on posts that are insulting, for no good reason. (Hit the three dots on the upper right of the dialogue box of the offending post for a drop-down menu, if anyone doesn't know).

Unwarranted snarkiness discourages people from posting. It makes the forum lesser for all of us. When enough of that is allowed, a forum dies. Just my opinion, for what it's worth. :)

I don’t have a lot of friends and sometimes feel sad about it. Then I read a post like this…..

Are you all still at school? Is “brunch” perhaps your morning playtime?

This all sounds bonkers on every level. How have I (and I dare say lots of MNers) never been even close to such utter nonsense.

I don't think you should give up a whole friendship circle because of one petty woman. I would go with the intention of not mentioning what happened, but if the subject did come up I would just say something jokey like, there was no way I was going to wake baby and give up my precious few minutes of peace, quiet and the chance of a hot cuppa even if the queen turned up wanting a cuddle, then give a big old smile op.

She's being very petty, but by refusing to go to lunch because of it, so would you be.

You reap what you sew OP. Your friend is making a (somewhat) petty point, but it shows what she thinks of your rule.