To feel my friend is being petty over cuddles with her baby

[Billynomatesonhere]

One of my close friends (Friend A) has just had her 2nd baby - as background context, she was the first of our group to have a baby so the whole group was desperate to come over and see the baby early on and have lots of cuddles which my friend was happy to do.

Anyway this time round I wasn’t invited round to meet the baby until he was 8 weeks old and wasn’t offered a cuddle which I totally respected as it’s her baby & post partum can be different each time.

However, there have been photos on the group chat of some of the other girls meeting & cuddling the baby - I saw one of them yesterday and she basically said that Friend A told her that she was treating their girls in the group the same way they treated her when we all had babies. So the girls who were happy for her to hold their babies, have been allowed cuddles and photos.

Now I know it’s 100% the Mums decision, but I just feel quite humiliated by the whole thing. I had a very stressful pregnancy and was worried about germs so I was a bit cautious about people coming over and then it just happened that baby was always asleep when my friend came over. So yes she didn’t get to hold my baby, but it wasn’t a personal thing. Whereas this feels personal as a couple of us are being singled out.

We are all due to go out for brunch next week and I’m thinking of not going as I feel like I’m going to be singled out.

AIBU to feel like my friend is being quite petty ?!

I would still go to the lunch but be very casual about the baby.

Why do you care? I just don’t get why you’d care about when you get to hold the child.

Wow how ridiculous! I’d go to brunch but not fawn over baby (don’t really have any desire to hold utter peoples babies myself).

You think she is being petty and your way to improve things is to be petty back?

Your friend doesn’t sound old enough to be going out to lunch without her parents, let alone having babies

Your friend is being petty, and it’s completely her choice, but maybe she was hurt when you were worried about germs. Go to lunch and talk to out

Jesus how old are you all?
Honestly this is just such a non-issue.

I think anything that ends up in tit for tat over baby cuddles is ridiculous. Are people that wild about cuddling babies? I enjoy a baby cuddle if offered but I couldn’t tell you when each friend of mine cuddled my baby or when I cuddled theirs. Seems bizarre to keep score in that way and honestly someone else’s newborn baby is only that interesting to them, so she has an entirely inflated opinion of what a prize this is in the first place.

Sounds all very petty and I’d not get involved.

just go for brunch - comment ‘awww cute’ about the baby and don’t make it into a thing that you are not allowed to hold baby yet as she’s keeping tabs.

rise above the madness

Best way to deal with people like this is not let them see they’ve affected you. Go to the brunch as it seems silly not to when you presumably like your other friends. And like others have said- act totally casual and like you haven’t even noticed the disparity. It isn’t a big deal so don’t make it one.

It is mental that you’re all keeping score. It’s the mum’s choice, end of. Get over it

Honestly I think keeping tabs on how many "baby cuddles" have been offered is the sign of a mind without enough to occupy it.

If you're going to go through life being this petty about stuff like this people will be equally petty back.

Well, yes, clearly she is being petty but I do have a sneaking admiration. I’d just laugh it off.

You sound like a bunch of little girls squabbling over some dolls. Just get on with your lives and stop worrying about who gets to hold which baby.

You didn't want to hold her baby though, surely, because you'd be worried about passing on germs. Or is it only your baby that's important enough, germs-wise?

I mean whatever. It's a non-issue, but I see her logic.

Friend A was obviously hurt when she didn't get to hold your baby, but keeping tabs for so long and then being petty about it is extremely childish. I doubt she'll do anything massively obvious at the brunch to single you out as she'll embarrass herself. I'd go along, be as cheerful as possible, acknowledge the friend and her baby and then chat to other friends. If others cuddle the baby there, just smile and otherwise try to ignore it because looking sad, angry, jealous etc will look bad on you.

I wouldn’t let it ruin your friendship with other friends. Go for lunch sit the opposite end to new mum and baby. Chat as usual and do the usual smile at Baby when spoken about but then be very casual with her and have no interest in holding baby. She won’t do anything to single you out as she will look the odd one to begin with.

Why does it matter? Are you bothered?

It’s not about being desperate for a cuddle with the baby (I’ve had my own now so the novelty has gone!) but it’s the embarrassment of being treated differently to the rest of the group.

She’s literally said Billynomatesonhere didn’t offer out her baby for a cuddle so she won’t get one with my baby.

You wouldn't let anyone hold your baby but you expect her to let you cuddle hers? If you think other people's germs are a risk to young babies, I'd assume you wouldn't want to hold her baby.

I couldn't be arsed being huffy about it myself if I were in her shoes. However, you are a bit hypocritical.

Its a baby not a doll. Other peoples babies are never as nice as your own!

Well she’s either being petty or she was very hurt that you wouldn’t let her near your kid after having let you cuddle hers. The sensible thing would be to chat to her and apologise for being such an anxious mess when you had yours to the extent that your hurt other peoples feelings and that you never meant to exclude her.

Are you embarrassed about how you acted when you had your baby or embarrassed that she told everyone else how you acted?

You could just be straight up with her. Anne told me that you had decided not to let me near baby because I didn't let you near mine. It's obvious that that hurt your feelings, I'm sorry, I was going through a difficult time and wasn't really thinking clearly. I appreciate the fact that me not trusting you, my friend, with baby must have been hurtful though, I hadn't really thought about that from your pov before.

None of you sound mature enough to be mothers. This is a nothing issue on all sides.

You now have some idea how she, and maybe other friends, felt at the time. You were wholly entitled to feel as you did, so were/are they

All you can do is take a deep breath, accept she feels as she does, and make your own mind up whether the friendship is one you want to continue