To feel my friend is being petty over cuddles with her baby

[Billynomatesonhere]

One of my close friends (Friend A) has just had her 2nd baby - as background context, she was the first of our group to have a baby so the whole group was desperate to come over and see the baby early on and have lots of cuddles which my friend was happy to do.

Anyway this time round I wasn’t invited round to meet the baby until he was 8 weeks old and wasn’t offered a cuddle which I totally respected as it’s her baby & post partum can be different each time.

However, there have been photos on the group chat of some of the other girls meeting & cuddling the baby - I saw one of them yesterday and she basically said that Friend A told her that she was treating their girls in the group the same way they treated her when we all had babies. So the girls who were happy for her to hold their babies, have been allowed cuddles and photos.

Now I know it’s 100% the Mums decision, but I just feel quite humiliated by the whole thing. I had a very stressful pregnancy and was worried about germs so I was a bit cautious about people coming over and then it just happened that baby was always asleep when my friend came over. So yes she didn’t get to hold my baby, but it wasn’t a personal thing. Whereas this feels personal as a couple of us are being singled out.

We are all due to go out for brunch next week and I’m thinking of not going as I feel like I’m going to be singled out.

AIBU to feel like my friend is being quite petty ?!

This is so petty

you have your own baby. Why do you need to cuddle someone else’s?

you were petty to not let her cuddle your baby
she a petty for doing the same, as revenge
you are petty for caring

Have you spoke to her about you've heard she said, who told you?

I would honestly just pretend not to notice.
I do think it’s petty and bitchy. I think the friend who told you is also being a bitch. You didn’t need to know.
You could say something to her when you are all together and she is passing the baby to other people like “I wish I had had your confidence when BabyBillynoMates was born. I was so anxious and on edge all the time. It was a really difficult time. You’re very lucky to be such a confident mum”.
If she still wants to use her baby as a way to make you feel worse about yourself after that, then she’s not a friend. I cannot wrap my head round grown women who are supposed to be friends behaving like this.

You reap what you sow.

Not sure why everyone is being so horrible. It's not actually about baby cuddles it's about being slagged off behind your back for something you did when you were vulnerable!

Rather than not go I would be tempted to message her and say something like 'so lovely to meet little Drusilla the other day, she's lovely. Melania mentioned that you were a bit put out that you couldn't cuddle Roberto when he was born. I didn't say at the time but I was struggling a bit then, after a stressful pregnancy and it wasn't personal, I was just finding things a bit difficult. This is not me asking to cuddle Drusilla, though she is gorgeous! Just wanted to get it out in the open before brunch next week as I value our friendship.'

This is the sweet spot where you now should directly get onto your friend and say "mary, I think there has been wires crossed and I dont want to ruin a friendship..." cease the talking behind backs and just deal with it.

I hate saying this but I'm a bereaved mom to my twin boys so this trivial stuff drives me mad. The squabling over holding babies has gotten riddiculous. Ironically once people see them, the fuss dies down. It's like a check box operation. Dont lose a friend over this. And I'm not for a second saying you started this but dont feed the monster now, especially the friend who told you the reason. If you want it to stop, I'd speak to your friend who had the baby. I'd question the motives of the pal who told you.

This. It's going to be very tempting to ignore the whole issue or try and be petty back, but if you genuinely like this woman and want a good friendship, this is the way forward.

Obviously you can't guarantee how she'll react, but it shows you being mature, emotionally-reasonable, and you'll know you've done everything you can to fix the issue.

She is being petty. I can only assume that she felt very hurt at the time.

I think it’s fair enough, if you didn’t want anyone holding your baby because of germs and viruses then why do you feel it’s ok to cuddle her baby? Surely you feel all babies should be treated the same and you wouldn’t want to put her child at risk?

So odd. I love my babies, I've had five. Never wanted to cuddle anybody else's. Happy to do so if it's helpful, but certainly wasn't going out of my way to. I don't think newborn babies should be passed around all that much really, but equally I wasn't overly precious about it and wouldn't have dreamt of not letting grandparents and great grandparents have a cuddle as I've heard some on here have.

I was the first in my family to have the baby. I have never forgiven my SILs for constantly nagging for cuddles with the baby but then not even offering their babies for a cuddle when they were born. I held the line a lot more firmly with my subsequent children

Also why did you baby deserve to be protected from germs but not her baby?
I am actually hoping this is a reverse!

Is this real life?

Do you smoke or vape? That might be why she doesn’t want you to hold them

If someone should be embarrassed, it should beer not you. Who on earth is being lefty agd counting score over holding a baby??

Rather than hidding, aka not going to the brunch, I think you need to ask yourself if that woman is actually a friend. Look at the others too. How many of them are truly friends?
Then decide whether you want to go or not.
If you decide to go, I’d act very casual, like nothing major has happened (because let’s be honest, nothing has happened bar that friend making herself looking stupid and petty). Cincentrate on having a good time with good friends.

But the OP didn’t want to cuddle that baby 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 RTFT or at least the OP’s posts.

She has an issue with being embarrassed that friend A has basically told the other women she has been punished from not letting friend A hold her baby….

She’s sounds like an actual child. I understand the germ thing op, I had such bad anxiety post partum, and throughout my pregnancy actually. I remember my dad kissing my dd on the head when she was a newborn and then me rubbing her head after with a baby wipe 😬😆

🤪🤪🤪 This is all the wrong way round.

The right way round is that people don't visit if they're unwell (self selection) or if the baby is unwell (mother declines offers to visit), then everyone who visits cuddles the baby and no-one has to go through angst about something that should be simple and spontaneous.

Typo

Sorry I must of misunderstood, If she didn’t want to hold it anyway what’s the problem?

OP, you didn’t want to hold the baby, didn’t hold the baby and you’re upset?

Agreed this is so juvenile.

Are you embarrassed that she has remembered what you were like after your baby? Or that she's mentioned it to your friend?
Or are you embarrassed about how you were? If it's that then maybe try putting it right. Maybe meet halfway - "Sally it's lovely seeing how relaxed you are with your baby, I was stressed about mine, I wish I could have worried less."

If you have no regrets about how you were then own it.
What was her experience first time round? I imagine as the first mum in the group she and the baby got treated as a novelty with everyone wanting a go holding the baby and making a fuss...maybe she had conflicted feelings about it at the time and they have lingered.

She sounds a bit mental. But then I know I was also off my rocker post baby so if she is otherwise a good friend I would have a quiet giggle to myself and ignore it.

I just feel upset that some of us in the group have been held at arms length and treated differently just because my friend clearly felt like she didn’t get the cuddles and access she wanted when we had babies.

Its different if she felt that she didn’t want people holding her baby full stop - but she’s allowed others to meet the baby weeks ago / have cuddles

Why do you need to cuddle a baby that is not part of the family? 🤷‍♀️