To feel my friend is being petty over cuddles with her baby

[Billynomatesonhere]

One of my close friends (Friend A) has just had her 2nd baby - as background context, she was the first of our group to have a baby so the whole group was desperate to come over and see the baby early on and have lots of cuddles which my friend was happy to do.

Anyway this time round I wasn’t invited round to meet the baby until he was 8 weeks old and wasn’t offered a cuddle which I totally respected as it’s her baby & post partum can be different each time.

However, there have been photos on the group chat of some of the other girls meeting & cuddling the baby - I saw one of them yesterday and she basically said that Friend A told her that she was treating their girls in the group the same way they treated her when we all had babies. So the girls who were happy for her to hold their babies, have been allowed cuddles and photos.

Now I know it’s 100% the Mums decision, but I just feel quite humiliated by the whole thing. I had a very stressful pregnancy and was worried about germs so I was a bit cautious about people coming over and then it just happened that baby was always asleep when my friend came over. So yes she didn’t get to hold my baby, but it wasn’t a personal thing. Whereas this feels personal as a couple of us are being singled out.

We are all due to go out for brunch next week and I’m thinking of not going as I feel like I’m going to be singled out.

AIBU to feel like my friend is being quite petty ?!

So you had plenty of cuddles with her first baby but when it was your turn you didn’t allow her the same. Sounds like she felt hurt that you were not so worried about germs when it was someone else’s vulnerable baby but you were plenty worried about your own. Petty or not, I can see her point of view. Personally I’d have a conversation with her to clear the air and then you can both try and grow up.

What a weird way for her to treat her baby. Like they're some sort of reward for the behaviour she deems appropriate. Who even remembers who held theirs or someone else's baby.

Honestly 🙄🙄🙄

That's so weird. Is holding the baby such a thing? Many of my friends have had babies (as have I) and I couldn't tell you which ones I held. Nor could I tell you who held my baby.

Wise advice

This!

Well it seems a case of reap what you sow

Were you the only one to not let friends cuddle your baby or did others do it as well

She is your close friend @Billynomatesonhere but she doesn’t remotely see you as her close friend. Or even really a friend. And that’s totally her choice

This. May your worries always be this trivial.

I’d go and have a great brunch, catch up with friends, be friendly and have a good time. You don’t need to be holding grudges or trying to analyse the situation. Don’t ask to hold the baby, and if offered say ‘oh no thanks, I’m good’.

Carry on with your meal.

Because she's being singled out. Everyone else gets to cuddle the baby, but her. I don't get why you don't get her being upset.

OP - nothing personal and I know we’re all different but…

…why in the name of God do you want to cuddle someone else’s baby? I would rather sit on a drawing pin?

I know I’m in a tiny minority but I want to speak up for that minority. When colleagues brought their babies in to work I’d arm myself with some papers, smile and say a brisk “Oh, how cute!” and dash out of the department till it was safe to go back.

I’m sorry but there is this assumption that every woman is dying to cuddle random babies.

Just ask her about it, if you care? A bunch of strangers on the internet aren’t going to be able to solve this one.

My opinion, it all seems very childish. Are you a very young group of mothers?

OP I aagree it's a bit petty of her, but I think it sounds like your friend was pretty hurt by your refusal to let her cuddle your baby. You can take offence at it, or accept that it's just one of the ripples as a consequence of your anxiety. Something you can help to fix by being the bigger person and going along and being happy for her. And at some point in the future, maybe talk to people about the anxiety you had post partum so they can understand more and put things in perspective in time.

The alternative is that you cool things off with her and you both end up hurt and less friendly, putting a strain on your own friendship and on the group as a whole.

If I can offer you a slightly robust perspective: a lot of new mums go a bit bonkers in their own way (me included). One way or another it's a period where you're overwhelmed with hormones and do things for obscure, evolutionary reasons that often no longer make any sense, or a lot less than it once did.

Yours was to guard your newborn against disease which resulted in potentially a bit of an overreaction about germs and baby safety. If she's usually a nice person, hers sounds like a bit of a social defensiveness, assessing who her 'trusted people' for her baby are based on past hurts and a brutal (probably wildly illogical) assessment of who sees her as an intimate member of their own tribe.

Yes, she's being petty and unreasonable, and very much risking making a rod for her own back by diminishing her support system. But this is one of those times that I think you'd do well to humour her, rise above it and give her a decent grace period of behaving slightly objectionably on the basis she's not really herself and won't be for at least some months yet. For the same reason, I also wouldn't recommend seeking to 'talk it out' at this stage.

If it's a friendship you otherwise value, go to brunch, smile and nod, say nice things, pretend not to notice the difference in holding privileges, and see how you all come out the other side in a few months.

It does require you to be a very big person, though - good luck!

She's being petty but she could see it more as obeying your baby rules, some people get offended if you choose to do things differently than they have with children. She could be having a hard time after the birth and focussing on weird things to distract herself. It can hurt to realise a friendship isn't what you thought it was but if you like the rest of the group there's no need to cancel.

Well I really don’t understand why people are desperate to cuddle other people’s baby! I have no desire or interest in other people’s babies - love cuddling my own though, and I don’t want other people cuddling mine other than me and partner! Just leave babies to their parents and let the parents enjoy their own baby’s cuddles.

What is this big deal about cuddling someone else's baby and who gets to get cuddle and who cuddles yours? That is very, very weird to me. Everyone can just cuddle their own baby!

Ick.

Hang on, you didn't let her hold your baby yet hers is fair game?
What do you mean baby was asleep so she didn't get cuddles? When my friends came round when mine were newborn they were told to pick baby up if they wanted a cuddle and I was doing something else like sitting down.

She can hold a grudge though can't she 😂

Gosh I think it’s very odd she cared enough to remember and now is getting her own back.

Thing is you don’t to isolate yourself from the group over it. I would go to the lunch, just act nonchalant about it, don’t try to hold the baby and it will remove any sense of satisfaction she may be getting from withholding… her baby… so very strange!

This is whatvi do not understand OP it was fine for you to be weird about her holding your baby so why on earth would you expect her not to be. This is easily one of the strangest threads I've seen on mumsnet I'm a while

Well, she clearly felt hurt that you didn't want her holding your baby and has held a grudge. It's weird, but... What can you do, really? I'd just pretend not to notice that you've been excluded, unless you're happy to confront her and possibly have a falling out.

Personally, I don't particularly want to hold any else's baby, anyway, so I'd just never ask to at all. 💁Let her wonder why you aren't desperate the hold her baby.

That's quite offensive

When I had my eldest at 20 Many of my friends and cousins were having or just had their own. Certainly wasn't any of this nonsense.. Can't remember whose I held and who held mine TBH I do remember there wasn't anyone who refused to let others hold the baby. That would've stood out

Yabu. You didn't want her holding your baby. She doesn't want you holding her baby.
Who cares what the reasons are behind it.