To feel my friend is being petty over cuddles with her baby

[Billynomatesonhere]

One of my close friends (Friend A) has just had her 2nd baby - as background context, she was the first of our group to have a baby so the whole group was desperate to come over and see the baby early on and have lots of cuddles which my friend was happy to do.

Anyway this time round I wasn’t invited round to meet the baby until he was 8 weeks old and wasn’t offered a cuddle which I totally respected as it’s her baby & post partum can be different each time.

However, there have been photos on the group chat of some of the other girls meeting & cuddling the baby - I saw one of them yesterday and she basically said that Friend A told her that she was treating their girls in the group the same way they treated her when we all had babies. So the girls who were happy for her to hold their babies, have been allowed cuddles and photos.

Now I know it’s 100% the Mums decision, but I just feel quite humiliated by the whole thing. I had a very stressful pregnancy and was worried about germs so I was a bit cautious about people coming over and then it just happened that baby was always asleep when my friend came over. So yes she didn’t get to hold my baby, but it wasn’t a personal thing. Whereas this feels personal as a couple of us are being singled out.

We are all due to go out for brunch next week and I’m thinking of not going as I feel like I’m going to be singled out.

AIBU to feel like my friend is being quite petty ?!

Yes. Dont go. Why would uou want to associate with someone who treated uou like that.

You made excuses for your odd behaviour so extend the same grace to your friend.
Turn up as your adult self not a school girl and draw a line under it.

It’s fascinating how other people live their lives.

This is petty all round and turns the whole thing into a big issue. Everyone is being immature.

Get it out in the open and then depending on the response you get decide whether to continue the friendship. If she’s punishing you for being vulnerable as a new mum she is a dick and not a friend worth having.

The OP behaviour was not odd. Many parents wait for a while before ‘allowing’ cuddles

Deciding to punish an (adult!) friend and the gloating to other people about it is very immature, primary school playground type of behaviour.

Couldn't vote because both of you ABU.

It's weird and petty to keep track of when you held other people's babies, and it's weird and petty to bitch about and care that she does it.

I'd be more wary of Friend B who gossiped with you, to be honest.

I have to say, I’m struggling to find a reason why A would say to other people ‘oh I’m not letting Billy and Other People hold my baby because they didn’t let me hold their baby. Other than wanting a punishment or revenge.

If you have an idea, ld be interested. I migut have missed somethimg 🤷‍♀️

This sounds all a bit much. I was generally very careful about germs when both my two were tiny, especially with my second as he was poorly when he was born, but that’s every new parent’s right, no-one should impose their opinions on new mums, you did nothing wrong being careful when you had your baby.

Your friend sounds petty and extremely immature.

My advice would be to rise above and don’t give it another thought. It’s honestly quite bizarre to use that as a way of punishing you for not getting cuddles with your baby, which was your right to allow or deny. Are you sure that’s what she’s doing?
It’s wild a grown up would behave like that.

I honestly wouldn’t give it time of day. Meet up, say congrats, and go on your way. I’d not forget how she’s behaved though. Very bizarre… I’d be having second thought on how close you want her as a friend. She sounds childish and exhausting.

As you didn't want her giving your baby germs I would expect you to treat her baby with the same cautiousness and expect not to hold them.

It's so weird that access to a baby is such a big deal in your friendship group! Babies are lovely but nless you are a grandparent I don't think other people's babies are that interesting. Just shrug it off and maybe reduce examine your friendships when the dust has settled.

I'd ditch the whole thing. I couldn't imagine having a friend group like this. What a silly, petty way to go on. I absolutely wouldn't go, but only because I avoid mindless drama like the plague.

How old ate you all? 13?
Seriously, who needs friends like this?

Who gives a fuck about when they hold a baby? I can't believe it's worth making a big deal about. I would personally pay good money not to hold one.

I disagree - I think babies are pretty much the best thing in the world. I love having a cuddle with a baby.

My extremely chilled out NDN handed her 5 day old baby to me for an hour and it was downright magical. She could have her lunch and a shower, I could have a cuddle. Brilliant!

And this is why I can’t be bothered with friends. How absolutely ridiculous and petty. She sounds about 12.

So you can have your rules but she can't? She sees what she's doing as the equivalent of what you did to her. It's all very petty but, in her mind, you started it, which you did. You all sound like a really immature bunch and yes, @Billynomatesonhere , that includes you.

Honestly I think in this situation, I'd have to talk to her about it
Say I heard such and such tell me.... Is this true?

Even though your friend is being ridiculous I'm assuming she was hurt at the time when she couldn't have cuddles with your baby and I'd have to assume that's where this is coming from.

So I'd also try and talk to her about that and say I was going through a hard time at the time (or whatever is the right thing to say for you) and it was nothing against you and you're still important to me

I’m not sure how @Billynomatesonhere is immature there.
Can you explain what you mean?

I don't want to hold or cuddle other people's babies. They are often dampish feeling and not very interesting. Your friend sounds very peculiar though. She must have very little to occupy her mind if she is keeping score in such a petty way. I'd just go and be very blase about the baby.

Sorry but you are relying on second hand information here. The friend may just be interfering and Friend A might have said nothing at all about only letting certain people hold the baby.

I had a very stressful pregnancy and was worried about germs so I was a bit cautious about people coming over and then it just happened that baby was always asleep when my friend came over

So you didn't want anyone coming over, didn't want anyone to hold your baby and your baby happened to be asleep every time your friend came over...yet you are pissed off because she didn't let you hold her baby?

Cop yourself on.

But the OP had that “rule” because she was genuinely anxious about germs, whereas the friend has openly said she’s doing it as a tit-for-tat and isn’t concerned about others holding her baby. Can you really not see the difference?

OP I would quietly distance myself. Life is too short to engage with this sort of nonsense.

If she was worried about germs would she not be worried about cuddling someone else's baby or is it just her own.

Post-partum anxiety is generally temporary.