AIBU to end a 30 year friendship over sparklers?

[Wotsitsbreath]

I’ve known my friend for over 30 years, we both have children of similar ages (one secondary, one primary and then she has one younger as well). We’ve always been really close and take the kids out together at least once a month as well as meeting just us two. One thing I’ve noticed recently is that our parenting styles are different and it’s causing me to resent her. I am hyper organised with my children. If we are out then I have snacks, spare clothes, baby wipes, wellies in the car etc. she’s much more of a laid back go with the flow kind of parent. The issue is, her kids need these things, so she’s increasingly just young my stuff!
We went to the beach, she didn’t bring anything for her kids to play with, so they took my kids toys. Not an issue, mine are good at sharing, but one of my son’s favourite spades (don’t ask, he’s autistic and gets attached!) got broken. We went to the arcade and she had no change so I had to give them some of our change. We went to the cinema, she didn’t bring or buy snacks, so her kids share mine. I’ve started taking extras to cover what she doesn’t so my kids don’t miss out. To be clear, she’s not struggling, she has a nice house, nice car and does several foreign holidays a year. Even when I remind her, she accidentally forgets or runs out of time.

And the next issue- bonfire night is coming up. We always walk to the local display together. I’ve been to the shop today and bought sparklers. I bought three packs, partner asked why so many and I realised that she never remembers to bring her own. I texted her and told her where they’re on sale and she made a joke about how she always forgets to buy them. It can’t be an accident, she just doesn’t bother, so I have to buy extras as her kids just expect me to provide them. She never does. It’s really upset me. She’s much better off than I am, has more children and I’m basically supplementing her income by buying for her kids as well as mine.

So, if you’ve got this far, would I be unreasonable to take a step back from the friendship if she doesn’t bring sparklers this year? I can’t say no to her kids, that’s punishing them for her mistakes and that feels cruel. But it’s something that’s really upsetting me now I’ve realised it’s happening.

Surely, if you buy things for a day out with children, you buy for all the children not just yours? I can't imagine a world where my children wouldn't share their beach toys with the other children there, where I'd not expect kids to share popcorn or where I'd buy sparklers for my kids only.

If she's never taking a turn at buying, then a "You buy the tickets, I'll buy the all the snacks" might work?

The good thing about long friendships is it thickens the hide a bit. Have it out with her instead of ghosting her, give her an opportunity to course correct. Snacks and sparklers are probably just little "bits" to her, she doesn't realise it all adds up. I once exploded on a friend after she yet again came half an hour late leaving me looking out the window at the caff trying to make a cappuccino last for as long as possible, and almost to my surprise she's been on time or early literally every time from that on.

Sparklersls ate increasingly banned from firewirks disolays due to (i know this sounds odd!) The risk of fire and burns. Thete isnt the space to use them safely.

Um part if a Bonfire night committee.. the ban is part of our requirements for council/fire brigade sign off.

Glow sticks are revommended now.

Back to OP... sounds like the final straw.

After 30 years, i’d be brave and tell her and give her a chance to turn it around. If not face-to-face, then in a message. Just tell her that because you're friends, you want to address something as you're finding resentment has built up. Just tell her that it's happened so frequently that you've realised you have come to anticipate it and have found yourself feeling responsible for making sure her children have what they need / want so they don't feel left out or left without and that's an additional cost to you financially but also practically and it doesn't feel good.

Honestly she may be mortified and pull her finger out moving forward. And if she doesn't, you can step back because a good friend would take that feedback on board and do better.

Not the point of the thread but as someone asked sparklers are banned at most public displays now.

Sharing toys is different but if the other kids mum is also present on the days out and can afford to buy her own kids popcorn/tickets/sparklers the why should the OP be sucking up the costs for all the kids?

I think you need to be firmer if you stay friends. Text to say you only have enough for your children. If she still turns up without things for her child then I instead of giving in just be tougher and just tell her the current situation isn’t working. She obviously doesn’t get that it bothers you from her response.

She very clearly isn't forgetting, she is just a CF and knows that you will be a mug and provide for her DC instead.

You aren't punishing her kids if you don't get them sparklers or snacks, your friend is by not getting them things in the first place. Stop doing it, warn her that you can't afford it any more and if it still happens, that's on her, not you.

Stop enabling her.

Next time you go somewhere, tell her beforehand that it’s her turn to bring whatever you need. Then don’t bring any yourself and look expectantly at her. She’s taking the piss because you are letting her.

Not sure why first you wouldnt say to her this is a piss take and I won't do it anymore

Take the mug off your forehead and stop allowing yourself to be used! You and your children deserve better than this, you sound a really great friend but you can't keep giving and getting nothing in return. As you've noticed you are increasingly becoming resentful of her . So take a step back and communicate this is not working for you anymore. Its not your place to substitute for her children, she needs to start putting her hand in her pocket.

Then she can tell her kids they don't need to be pinching/breaking her friends childrens stuff can't she?!

The issue is that it is clearly all one sided. Taking it in turns to buy snacks or sparklers or whatever wouldn't be an issue, it is the fact that OP is doing absolutely everything and it isn't fair.

But if it's always one parent bringing everything whilst another never brings anything, it's taking advantage!

I don’t understand why after three decades you can’t you say it to her? Only take for your own so if she realises she’s got no snacks she’ll have to pop in to a shop or concessions and get some, you’re just doing it so no wonder she isn’t making any changes. If you’re going to the cinema just text her ‘don’t forget to bring your snacks!’, you spot sparklers ‘hey I’m getting some want me to grab yours? They’re £5’ etc etc. Just tell her! Stop quietly supplementing her!

Why can’t you just tell her what you’ve wrote in the post?

"You okay to bring the snacks this time since I brought them last time?" I often take extras of things for my friends kids but I'd get annoyed if the same friend left things on purpose because she knew I'd provide.

Sparklers are one of the most dangerous fireworks there are. It's a piece of molten metal that can cause full thickness burns if the spent one comes into contact with flesh.

Read my post again. I'm saying that OP asks the friend to buy all of their tickets (both families), whilst OP buys all of the snacks (both families).

Honestly though, in my world, no one begrudes a child a sparkler from a 6 for £2 pack, or would ever be OK with their kids not sharing their beach toys.

Stop filling in the gaps that she’s making. If she doesn’t have change then you don’t have any to spare so you all leave the arcade. If she doesn’t bring snacks for her children then tell her where she can get them or say your children will have theirs afterwards so her children aren’t left out.

Don’t take spare sparklers with you. Give your children just a couple each.

Why are you exclamation marking @AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta? You agree with her!

Busy crowded areas with small children waving a metal stick that’s on fire….. what could possibly go wrong?

Of course not being unreasonable but after 30 years, perhaps it's worth a chat, tell her that you're feeling used even if unintentionally. Give her a chance to put it right?

I know this is off topic, but bloody hell, world gawn health and safety mad.
Glow sticks instead of sparklers 😭😂 That's the most joyless thing I've read for a while lol.

You should have spoken up ages ago.

At the arcade "the change machine is over there, you've got your phone"

At the cinema "I brought snacks with me for mine, the counters there to buy them"

Stop giving her stuff.