AIBU to end a 30 year friendship over sparklers?

[Wotsitsbreath]

I’ve known my friend for over 30 years, we both have children of similar ages (one secondary, one primary and then she has one younger as well). We’ve always been really close and take the kids out together at least once a month as well as meeting just us two. One thing I’ve noticed recently is that our parenting styles are different and it’s causing me to resent her. I am hyper organised with my children. If we are out then I have snacks, spare clothes, baby wipes, wellies in the car etc. she’s much more of a laid back go with the flow kind of parent. The issue is, her kids need these things, so she’s increasingly just young my stuff!
We went to the beach, she didn’t bring anything for her kids to play with, so they took my kids toys. Not an issue, mine are good at sharing, but one of my son’s favourite spades (don’t ask, he’s autistic and gets attached!) got broken. We went to the arcade and she had no change so I had to give them some of our change. We went to the cinema, she didn’t bring or buy snacks, so her kids share mine. I’ve started taking extras to cover what she doesn’t so my kids don’t miss out. To be clear, she’s not struggling, she has a nice house, nice car and does several foreign holidays a year. Even when I remind her, she accidentally forgets or runs out of time.

And the next issue- bonfire night is coming up. We always walk to the local display together. I’ve been to the shop today and bought sparklers. I bought three packs, partner asked why so many and I realised that she never remembers to bring her own. I texted her and told her where they’re on sale and she made a joke about how she always forgets to buy them. It can’t be an accident, she just doesn’t bother, so I have to buy extras as her kids just expect me to provide them. She never does. It’s really upset me. She’s much better off than I am, has more children and I’m basically supplementing her income by buying for her kids as well as mine.

So, if you’ve got this far, would I be unreasonable to take a step back from the friendship if she doesn’t bring sparklers this year? I can’t say no to her kids, that’s punishing them for her mistakes and that feels cruel. But it’s something that’s really upsetting me now I’ve realised it’s happening.

Ending the friendship seems a bit dramatic but she’s a CF so I’d probably message her back and say ‘il
bring sparklers for yours if you buy the coffee while we’re there’ and then remind her when your there. Sparklers are like 79p a pack in home bargains so I’d struggle to end a friendship over that specifically, but if the friendship is too much for you generally that’s fair enough, just end it anyway rather than allowing every event to be make or break for you.

Pretty sad that after 30 years you can’t just tell her how you feel though

Wild to me that someone would ditch a 30 year friendship rather than solve the issue with a potentially uncomfortable conversation.

Huh?

This would annoy me if she was consistently using things you’ve brought, but not if she just wasn’t bringing along as many things as you do.

I wouldn’t end the friendship with her over it but I would stop doing the family get togethers.

I read your post a few times. The bulk of it was most definitely implying that the OP was being selfish and petty.

I don't imagine OP would begrudge it if it generally evened out but her 'friend' is all take, take, take.

YABU by constantly allowing your friend to walk all over you. Why give her money in the arcades? I don't understand why you would even offer. Same with the snacks in the cinema. Don't give them to her kids and tell her she needs to buy some for her own children.

Either be straight with her and say no or just cut her off. She's not a great friend if she's taking the piss out of you and your generous nature.

This must be very annoying for you

is it possible though that she doesn’t actually agree that those things are necessary and thinks you are over complicating? I have never bothered bringing sparklers to the fireworks, can go to the beach without bringing spades, and wouldn’t let my kids have sweets in the cinema. I’d resent someone who thought I needed to do those things to meet up with her.

conversely if I decided to bring a treat when meeting up with others (like the sparklers) I’d just see it as my treat and bring for all, rather than expecting a friend to go out and buy some too

If you are considering ending the friendship anyway, then you might as well have a conversation about it first. Something like saying you can’t afford to keep buying for all the children, you’d rather keep everything separate and she needs to start remembering to bring or buy things because it’s impacting you with the expense and responsibility. She might be an absolute CF or she might think you’re a great friend because you’re so generous and willing to share when she forgets things, but it’s going into expectation territory so needs to stop. If she is a CF in other ways or you’ve just completely had enough then it’s enough to end a friendship over - it’s not just the sparklers is all the other things and the lack of effort from her

I would message back and say 'I'm now wondering if I need to buy extra in case you forget. Does that sound fair to you? Because it doesn't feel very fair to me (and hasn't for a while)

You’re creating the problem by being over organised. I parented like your friend and I didn’t particularly like or want the ultra prepared parents to bring unnecessary extras to everything. But they did. And made it clear they thought I was negligent for not doing so. But when me and kids went out without the ultra prepared parents, and went with more relaxed parents, it was all fine. You’re creating unnecessary drama and demanding that your friend parents like you do. Just stop giving her kids stuff that she hasn’t asked you to provide.

Ditto the arcades, we do t do that. If you said “shall we go to the arcade “ I’d just say “we don’t have change for that”- because I never planned to go and do t want to spend money in there. I’d feel awkward if you then gave my kids the money, couldn’t you just not go to the arcade?

@Wotsitsbreath does she ever take her kids out without anyone else?
I’m wondering if she always relies on a friend or partner to do the organising and the supplies

No, she isn’t
Her friend clearly expect her to provide stuff

OP said she remind her and that this lady wouldn’t buy or provides snacks at the cinema or toys for the beach

Maybe you would take DC to the beach without any toys, but then it wouldn’t be an issue

Why don’t you just follow up with ‘I’m going to buy some- why don’t you transfer some cash and I’ll buy some for you too?

You've known her 30 years and cant say to her "get your act together Mandy for christ sake"....i know I could with my best friend.

This. I'd be so embarrassed and be sure to try and rectify it asap. If she's not... she's not worth keeping.

‘Clearly’ from OPs point of view. So that may not be the case at all.

Id never take sparklers to a firework display, kids don’t need extra when already at an event, but if a friend brought them and gave them to my kids I’d be ok with it because it just seems petty to say no. She might think OP is about OTT but because she’s pretty laid back she just lets her crack on with it.

I don't think it's really about the money.

I know. I find it a bit strange how passive people are. Just speak up!

How are you getting on there @Wotsitsbreath?

Any thoughts? Feel free to join your thread.

The rules came after children were seriously injured at a display in the area.

You wouldnt believe the amount of paperwork involved in organising a display.

Don't send this message. Speak to her face to face and tell her what the problem is.

What do you get out of this relationship? I ask because she sounds similar to one of my friends. I was the organised mum and was always providing snacks, spare clothes and even water bottles to her kids (I started to take extra bottles because I was tired of giving her kids my own water and ending up thirsty). Despite that, she was and is one of my best friends and she is generous with bottles of wine, dinners and party invites. We both bring different things to the relationship and it just works. Our kids are also older now so need less snacks and change of clothes!

I understand how frustrating this is. I had a friend like this. I stopped inviting her places because i was constantly buying and paying for things and when it came to things like buying concert tickets I would constantly have the chase her for the money back. She was much better off than i was. You only really have three choices - keep going the way it is, have an honest conversation with her or take a step back. I got to the point where it made me anxious having to buy things because I knew I would have to ask for the money back several times before she would eventually give me it.