AIBU to end a 30 year friendship over sparklers?

[Wotsitsbreath]

I’ve known my friend for over 30 years, we both have children of similar ages (one secondary, one primary and then she has one younger as well). We’ve always been really close and take the kids out together at least once a month as well as meeting just us two. One thing I’ve noticed recently is that our parenting styles are different and it’s causing me to resent her. I am hyper organised with my children. If we are out then I have snacks, spare clothes, baby wipes, wellies in the car etc. she’s much more of a laid back go with the flow kind of parent. The issue is, her kids need these things, so she’s increasingly just young my stuff!
We went to the beach, she didn’t bring anything for her kids to play with, so they took my kids toys. Not an issue, mine are good at sharing, but one of my son’s favourite spades (don’t ask, he’s autistic and gets attached!) got broken. We went to the arcade and she had no change so I had to give them some of our change. We went to the cinema, she didn’t bring or buy snacks, so her kids share mine. I’ve started taking extras to cover what she doesn’t so my kids don’t miss out. To be clear, she’s not struggling, she has a nice house, nice car and does several foreign holidays a year. Even when I remind her, she accidentally forgets or runs out of time.

And the next issue- bonfire night is coming up. We always walk to the local display together. I’ve been to the shop today and bought sparklers. I bought three packs, partner asked why so many and I realised that she never remembers to bring her own. I texted her and told her where they’re on sale and she made a joke about how she always forgets to buy them. It can’t be an accident, she just doesn’t bother, so I have to buy extras as her kids just expect me to provide them. She never does. It’s really upset me. She’s much better off than I am, has more children and I’m basically supplementing her income by buying for her kids as well as mine.

So, if you’ve got this far, would I be unreasonable to take a step back from the friendship if she doesn’t bring sparklers this year? I can’t say no to her kids, that’s punishing them for her mistakes and that feels cruel. But it’s something that’s really upsetting me now I’ve realised it’s happening.

Yabu for taking sparklers to a display.

She is what we call on MN, a CF!

WTF?!

If it’s such a long friendship can you not have this as a serious conversation with her? Explain that you are now packing extra to cover her kids because you feel that you have to explain that this is making you feel resentful, and you don't want to feel like that because she's a good friend. Ask her if there's any way she can see that this works in the future because you don't want to keep on planning for her kids, and you also don't want to have to say no to her kids by not planning for them.

YANBU, but can you talk to her about it first? Not in a "remember to buy sparklers " way, but more "your disorganisation is really impacting our friendship and my bank balance" kind of way.

It would get on my nerves and I hate being taken advantage of. I would stop meeting so often. She's taking the piss

You need to be asking her for money if you're happy to continue getting bits for her kids.

I'd be upset too... I wouldn't end the friendship outright but would feel it appropriate to message afterwards and just say how you're starting to feel it's an unequal relationship and you can't be expected to constantly make up for her laziness. Which would probably end the friendship!! But at least give right of reply and more honest than ghosting.

I'm also crazy invested about if she brings sparklers so can you pls update!!

Regarding the sparklers I would say 'im in the shop now, do you want me to buy you a pack?' Then next time you meet up for a coffee, say you get this cos you still owe me for the sparklers.

Exactly. Talk about throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Put on your big girl pants and have a proper conversation with her rather than this dramatic "taking a step back" nonsense.

The thing is, once you start noticing these things then it’s usually a sign that someone is doing her head in. Take a step back. If you are meeting her somewhere, have your children already wearing their wellies. Arrange to meet in a big group so she is diluted a bit.

What the hell?

Anyway, YANBU OP. This must be costing you a fortune. But let's be real- she doesn't forget, she just knows she can take from you and your kids so purposely doesn't bother.

Maybe she’s ok for her kids not to have little thing they ‘need’ and she’s thinking the same cause when she’s with others they just get on.

Just don’t do it. Her kids missing out is the kick she needs. Why should she change if you always supply. At cinema I would have said, “ you need to get snacks at kiosk as my two will have this gone in no time, I’ve not enough for everyone”. Only when you say this will she have to do something. Text now and say “Don’t forget sparklers as I’ve only enough for my two”.

Just say ‘Unfortunately I don’t have any spares’ if she asks for sparklers.
You didn’t need to give them change - just suggest meeting them back at the beach once you’ve finished at arcade.
She’s only doing it cause you let her…..

Yes I would do this. Let her pay next few times you're out for coffee/food...sounds like she owes you more than 1 coffee!

I’d stop having spares of things any only take the bare minimum, or not take anything at all and see how you get on then.

If she's your friend have a conversation with her. Tell her you don't mind getting the extras as she always forgets but she must teaser you the money each time as it's costing to much.

Stop being a wet wipe

Also I am an impulsive person , I'm not organised. I'm very relaxed , I'm probably that friend I wouldn't mind you telling me

I’d start “forgetting” things yourself. Or only bringing enough for your kids “oh I don’t think I have enough change for everyone but there’s a cash/change machine over there”.

I would also let your kids have the sparklers at home the night before or something then say “oh we decided it would be fun to use them yesterday in the garden, didn’t you bring any?”

I used to know someone like this. She never bought stuff she needed, ordinary stuff like cotton wool and pasta. Instead she'd ask me if I had any. Eventually I pointed out that she used more or some things that I had than I did myself! It turned out that she was trying to keep to a ridiculously low weekly budget - and she was doing it by getting other people to subsidise her!

You might ask your friend how she budgets as she clearly isn't budgeting for a lot of stuff her children need.

Why is it unreasonable to take sparklers to a display?

After 30 years? Nah I'd have an honest conversation and see if she pulls her socks up, rather than just quietly dropping her. People are too frightened of honest communication.

She’s taking advantage because she can. Sharing toys, lending baby wipes , fair enough. But I wouldn’t dream of making my kids share their film snacks - I buy my kids the portion size that is suitable for them, whether people bring their own is irrelevant to me. You’re saying your autistic child has particular toys he’s attached to but then letting them get used and abused by other kids - your own kids are suffering because of your ‘kindness’.

Stop sharing - she’ll very quickly show how much this friendship matters. People like this always seem to find a walk over friend.

I wouldn’t take sparklers for her kids - do your own sparklers at home so hers don’t feel left out. If she asks you can say that “I only bought enough for my kids so we did them at home”

This is what I would do too. Just take exactly enough for your kids or things that you can't offer to share.

Some good ideas here so you have options now. As a variant, how about you add up the sparkler costs, then say to her that you'll get them for all of you, but she needs to transfer you £10 as you're fed up with always covering the costs. If she's smart and a decent person she'll jump at this offer. If she forgets, remind her and then say 'transfer it right now before you forget' on the night. If she resists all of that, you've got a bigger problem.