AIBU to end a 30 year friendship over sparklers?

[Wotsitsbreath]

I’ve known my friend for over 30 years, we both have children of similar ages (one secondary, one primary and then she has one younger as well). We’ve always been really close and take the kids out together at least once a month as well as meeting just us two. One thing I’ve noticed recently is that our parenting styles are different and it’s causing me to resent her. I am hyper organised with my children. If we are out then I have snacks, spare clothes, baby wipes, wellies in the car etc. she’s much more of a laid back go with the flow kind of parent. The issue is, her kids need these things, so she’s increasingly just young my stuff!
We went to the beach, she didn’t bring anything for her kids to play with, so they took my kids toys. Not an issue, mine are good at sharing, but one of my son’s favourite spades (don’t ask, he’s autistic and gets attached!) got broken. We went to the arcade and she had no change so I had to give them some of our change. We went to the cinema, she didn’t bring or buy snacks, so her kids share mine. I’ve started taking extras to cover what she doesn’t so my kids don’t miss out. To be clear, she’s not struggling, she has a nice house, nice car and does several foreign holidays a year. Even when I remind her, she accidentally forgets or runs out of time.

And the next issue- bonfire night is coming up. We always walk to the local display together. I’ve been to the shop today and bought sparklers. I bought three packs, partner asked why so many and I realised that she never remembers to bring her own. I texted her and told her where they’re on sale and she made a joke about how she always forgets to buy them. It can’t be an accident, she just doesn’t bother, so I have to buy extras as her kids just expect me to provide them. She never does. It’s really upset me. She’s much better off than I am, has more children and I’m basically supplementing her income by buying for her kids as well as mine.

So, if you’ve got this far, would I be unreasonable to take a step back from the friendship if she doesn’t bring sparklers this year? I can’t say no to her kids, that’s punishing them for her mistakes and that feels cruel. But it’s something that’s really upsetting me now I’ve realised it’s happening.

Say
Look Suzy we've known each other for a long time.
If you are in difficulty I hope you feel you can confide in me.
ive noticed that you never have supplies or refreshments for your children when we go out.
Has your husband lost his job?
Are you struggling financially?
If she is indignant or amused at such a suggestion then go on to say
Well then the fact is I can't go on subsidising you to provide all these things for your children as well as my own.
So I won't be doing so from now on.
I think it's better to be straight.

If she chooses not to meet under those conditions then so be it.
Stand your ground.

I'd say "I'm going to pick up the sparklers later, would you like me to get some for yours while I'm there? They are £2 a pack, you can pay me on the day, how many would you like".

Or "I'm just grabbing some snacks for our day out/ cinema, do you want me to pick some up for you too? How much shall I spend up to?"

Or, "please can you pick up some snacks for the cinema as I think I bought them last time/last few times"

She's Amanda and you are her Anne

All the displays I have been to ask people not to bring them, because it’s unsafe in a crowd and it’s not possible to dispose of them safely.
Maybe they facilitate it at some though…

It's always been that way, there were public information films back in the 70's over sparklers and fireworks. Parent your children parents!!

Agreed.

She’s a CF and she knows it.
You’re enabling her.

(On a different note, I have a long time friend who is scatty and disorganised.
If we go out anywhere, I always take drinks and snacks, water etc for her.
She is an incredibly kind, generous friend who I can absolutely rely on in an emergency.
And vice versa.
I am very happy to bring extras of whatever I’m having for her as she reciprocates at other times and in other ways.

Completely different from the OP’s situation).

I’d message her beforehand from now on and say something like,
“It’s probably best if we bring our own snacks etc as I’m having to tighten my budget.”

That avoids any passive aggressive concerns and lets her know that her children are her responsibility and if they want snacks etc, she’ll have to provide them.

In answer to PP’s, it’s NOT being petty and it’s not,
Oh a sparkler costs 25p etc.

It’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.

(P.S. before I’m accused of being mean, selfish, petty etc, I absolutely am not.
I have paid for many a random child’s ice cream etc, handed over a bottle of water to a harassed mother etc.
I just wouldn’t be allowing a friend to take advantage of me like this.

I had a friend who expected me to pay all the time because I earned more than her.
I bailed her out loads of times.
I don’t see her any more!)

This is my take on it, possibly coloured by seeing this very thing play out in different friend groups over the years of the DC being smaller.

I've definitely experienced a friend like the OP's getting irritated at another friends who constantly had a bootful of 'extras' that she just didn't think were necessary. It was awkward because she didn't really want to rely on the spare boots, the extra snacks, the little toys to take the edge off any moments of inactivity, but they were constantly brought out, so obviously little kids want the same stuff.

The no-extras friend ended up cancelling meet ups because she felt her kids were starting to expect the snacks/toys/whatever and it wasn't the way she wanted to parent. We were in a group of 4 parents, so a bit easier to deal with, possibly.

I'm in the middle tbh. Always got a packet of wipes and some water, usually a small packet of something sweet in my bag in an emergency, but very happy to not drive around with piles of stuff for 'just in case' the whole time.

definitely NBU. I think there are 3 options:

1. just take a step back. Deal with it if she asks why.
2. just don’t give her kids stuff. “Oh, we don’t have spares, sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️”. Then distract. If she has to deal with her kids disappointment (it’s genuinely not your responsibility!) then she may step up. I wonder what she does when you’re not around 🤔.
3. have a chat or send a text along the lines of “I’m struggling a bit as I keep buying stuff for your kids as well as mine and it’s making me a bit reluctant to meet as I don’t have much spare cash to spend on extra popcorn/sparklers etc”. Wait and see her response.

💯 Great answer.

My rule of thumb is - before I decide to distance myself/not do the thing any more, I tell the person clearly what the issue is, what I want them to do, and what will happen if they don’t. You see, it’s just possible that she is not aware of just how galling her behaviour is for you. Some people just are disorganised and forgetful - I am one of them. But if something is really important to someone, and I value that person, I will find a way to make it happen.

You might say I should do that anyway, for everyone. And I agree that would be best. But, with the best will in the world, that’s not going to happen. So I save the effort for the people and situations which matter most to me.

You could sit her down, or message her, whatever, and say this:

Look, friend - you know how you said you always forget? Yes, you do. And as a result, I end up bringing more, because I don’t want your kids to miss out. But stop and think about it for a while - it’s not fair that I am having to remember to bring extra, and pay for it as well, because you can’t organise yourself to bring what your kids need. You made a joke of it, but it really isn’t funny. It is upsetting me and leaves me feeling used.

So - the sparklers are on offer at xxxx. Get yourself down there, and get some. Make it a priority. Do not assume that I will provide for your kids in future, it’s simply not fair that you carry on doing that. If you can’t do that fairly simple thing, I think that will be an end to our family trips together, I would hate for that to happen, but I am not willing to keep on carrying both the mental and financial cost of your disorganisation.

This

Set some boundaries and stop enabling this you already have a festering resentment !

Aww I would like to think she's not intentially taking advantage of you and is probably just very disorganised. She won't have a clue that this upsetting you, so just have a chat with her, it's not worth losing a friendship over especially of she has no idea.

Don’t give her children sparklers, let them miss out and cry and moan - I bet she remembers next time!

Yes, I feel the same way. My kids didn’t need constant snacks and lots of toys, and I didn’t really want them to have those. I was happy for them to eat at the times that suited me, and to be used to waiting for snacks, and I was happy to make them use their imagination and invent games because I wasn’t always lugging round toys.

But obviously some parents feel their kids need lots of snacks, toys etc so always have them. It hadn’t really occurred to me until I encountered that situation that somebody might offer snacks etc but be secretly resenting it.

You stop buying extras. Stop. It is your decision.

Send friend advance message.
I have not bought extra sparklers this year. Your kids might want you to bring some along. See you at xx oclock.

She needs to provide for her own children.
It is not your children's responsibility to share all their things.
Her kids will enjoy watching your children's sparklers.
Do not feel bad.

Next trip pack your dc their own bags with1 of each thing. Nowt left over to share. Google the cf a local shop and send her on her way.

If you value the friendship outside of this one issue then you should try to change it before walking away.

If it was me I’d probably just start assigning her stuff to bring before outings with the kids.

Going to the cinema - text her to bring the snacks as it’s her turn this time.

Beach - text to say ‘what are you bringing for the kids to play with on the beach? Let’s bring enough between us to make sure all the kids have enough to share’

Arcade - text to say ‘don’t forget to get some change for the arcade games, and bring water bottles it’s going to be a hot day’

Now if she continues to ‘forget’ after such big hints then she’s definitely doing it on purpose.

So you’ve started doing this with sparklers - so that could be test 1.

I’d try two more times after this but with much more direct instructions - ‘don’t forget to bring’

If she responds like a PP that her children don’t need snacks or toys or whatever it is - it opens up the conversation that when she doesn’t bring the things you end up supplying them each time for her kids.

Yes they’ve been replaced with glow in the dark various bits and bobs at our local display. Less exciting and - importantly - safe.

Sparklers should be banned.

I'd be direct but that is how I am as a person and if you aren't I can appreciate it isn't easy. In your case I'd tell her that she needs to start getting more organised because you aren't in a position to subsidise her family each time you meet up. I'd point out that this has not happened once but several times and your friend isn't returning the favour. She either apologises and starts acting better or goes cold with you and then at least you know where you stand.

I have a dear friend who is scatty at the best of times so yes she has borrowed things like wipes, nappies on a day out but she is never shy when it comes to paying for things.

Don’t take your sparklers! Do them at home before you meet up. If she says anything you can just say “oh we did the at home before the display, when are you doing yours?”

I would send her a message saying "get sparklers as I'm not giving your kids any" and then do exactly that - dont get anything for her kids and make a point of it. See how it goes.

Could she have adhd? She sounds very similar to my cousin who has adhd and is exactly the same, very disorganised and always forgetting things. Not her fault it's just the way her brain works. If it was this, would it help you understand why she does these things?

Bore off.

Another viewpoint: She just doesn’t view the things you are providing for her children as essential. Nice to have, maybe, but essential? No.

Just different parenting styles and attitudes towards consumerism, I guess?

A conversation about your different consumption approaches might clear the air. She might find your approach excessive and encouraging entitlement. We are all different. She should really ask you to not keep offering things to her children, but perhaps she feels awkward and is worried that you might view it as a criticism of your parenting.

Does she buy and participate in what maný people would consider essential for everyday modern life? Does she have the latest phone, fashions, subscriptions, and have beauty treatments, her nails done regularly etc. Or is she more simple in her lifestyle?

Unless you feel her children are truly neglected e.g. actually short of food and malnourished etc, you should feel no need to give them anything. Just don’t have spares, They will be familiar with which ‘wants’ their mum is willing to fund. They don’t necessarily need snacks if you are just out and about. Unless it is hot or you are out for a long time, they will be fine without a drink. The number of people who greet their children at the school gates with snacks is alarming! Occasionally wet feet will dry.

I wouldn’t automatically assume that my children needed snacks at the cinema or sparklers for the firework display etc. You view them as things the children need, whereas she doesn’t. My mother would never have provided me with change for the arcade as she thought it was very uncouth! 🤣

In the not that distant past, there was less ‘stuff’ and add ons than I think are provided now? Of course, there are many children who don’t get any ‘extras’ for all sorts of different reasons. That’s not to say I never had a sparkler. But it would not have been bought automatically, just because I was going to a display. The display itself would have been enough. Your friend joking that she always forgets is maybe her trying to subtly say that she just doesn’t think it’s important. She needs to be a bit bolder and push back with you if this is the case. The fact she has made this excuse suggests she feels some judgement.

You 100% CAN say no to her kids (and your own.)

If she takes the piss about paying her way, e.g. not contributing her share for entrance fees (where you have agreed in advance to enter) etc, then you’ve got to be more direct with her. You are definitely not BU if she cheats you like this. If you chose to buy her children an ice cream when she otherwise wouldn’t have, then do it in good grace. Otherwise, it will only take a few times for you to say, ‘I’m going to get my children some ice cream,’ and brazen it out whilst you order and pay for yours alone. She will get the message.

Different parenting styles can co-exist within friendships, providing you back off and don’t try to impose your way onto her children. Unless you believe she is neglectful and her children are at risk. We find it hard to accept that our way is not the only right way.

If it was established that her child broke the spade, she should have replaced it. Autism has nothing to do with it.

I have a friend who sometimes comments about how relaxed/unprepared I am. I am happy enough with who I am, but I am far from perfect. She is an over-stressed fusspot who I cherish as a friend, but definitely would not wish to live my life like. She can’t help herself, whipping out her antibacterial wipes all over bloody shop! 🤣