AIBU to end a 30 year friendship over sparklers?

[Wotsitsbreath]

I’ve known my friend for over 30 years, we both have children of similar ages (one secondary, one primary and then she has one younger as well). We’ve always been really close and take the kids out together at least once a month as well as meeting just us two. One thing I’ve noticed recently is that our parenting styles are different and it’s causing me to resent her. I am hyper organised with my children. If we are out then I have snacks, spare clothes, baby wipes, wellies in the car etc. she’s much more of a laid back go with the flow kind of parent. The issue is, her kids need these things, so she’s increasingly just young my stuff!
We went to the beach, she didn’t bring anything for her kids to play with, so they took my kids toys. Not an issue, mine are good at sharing, but one of my son’s favourite spades (don’t ask, he’s autistic and gets attached!) got broken. We went to the arcade and she had no change so I had to give them some of our change. We went to the cinema, she didn’t bring or buy snacks, so her kids share mine. I’ve started taking extras to cover what she doesn’t so my kids don’t miss out. To be clear, she’s not struggling, she has a nice house, nice car and does several foreign holidays a year. Even when I remind her, she accidentally forgets or runs out of time.

And the next issue- bonfire night is coming up. We always walk to the local display together. I’ve been to the shop today and bought sparklers. I bought three packs, partner asked why so many and I realised that she never remembers to bring her own. I texted her and told her where they’re on sale and she made a joke about how she always forgets to buy them. It can’t be an accident, she just doesn’t bother, so I have to buy extras as her kids just expect me to provide them. She never does. It’s really upset me. She’s much better off than I am, has more children and I’m basically supplementing her income by buying for her kids as well as mine.

So, if you’ve got this far, would I be unreasonable to take a step back from the friendship if she doesn’t bring sparklers this year? I can’t say no to her kids, that’s punishing them for her mistakes and that feels cruel. But it’s something that’s really upsetting me now I’ve realised it’s happening.

The bit I can't understand is why you had change for the arcade and shared it with her. Don't they have those change dispensers there for exactly that purpose? If I went with a friend who didn't have change I would probably just tell them where the machine was. It's strange to me that you felt the need to have change organised in advance and then gave her some.

I had a friend like this. Funnily enough, she could be amazingly organised when she wanted to be. She could book and execute complex long haul trips with two small DC (fully packed with snacks & activities!). Got a job with shifts & managed to turn up on time & looking professional etc. packed lunch, even! DC birthday parties were epic with a fancy home made cake, etc. It's a choice.

So I stopped buying the tickets & sent her the link, no snacks, wipes 'sorry, only enough for my DC today's etc. I stopped enabling it. Amazingly she could do it herself or just didn't bother to come. I eventually moved on.

Put ure BIG girl pants on and deal with this SPONGE !!!!! or in a couple of weeks her pal's will get on the "gravey train "

First, I wouldn’t describe you as a ‘hyper-organised’ parent. Most parents have what their kids might need. Sure, we all forget the odd thing from time-to-time and have to borrow or buy things when out. But most of us have what we think we’ll need.

She just sounds like a rubbish parent or a CF or both. What happens when she takes her kids out without you? They go without? No drink. No snacks. She wouldn’t buy them. If they get messy, she doesn’t wipe their hands? Or buy some wipes when out? No toys to play with at the beach? She wouldn’t go to a shop and buy a plastic space? etc. In which case, rubbish parent.

Or (most likely) she does take or buy her kids things when you’re not with them. But when she’s with you, she sponges off you. And even when her child breaks your son’s toy, she doesn’t offer to buy him a new one. In which case, she’s a CF.

Personally, I couldn’t be friends with someone so inconsiderate and selfish. I wouldn’t want to have to spell out the bleeding obvious, i.e. stop sponging things and never reciprocating. People who need things spelling out are v draining. You have to decide if it’s worth it, when there are so many potential friends in the world and life’s so short.

But, as you’re in a dilemma, suggest you spell out to her you’ve had enough. As you don’t want to be unfair to her kids - or teach your kids not to be share - you just won’t be able to hang out with her if it carries on. That’s the best option for you. She can take it or leave it.

I was going to say something similar. How close can you really be? I would have had to say something ages ago.

Well, that's a stupid response if you don't want to go, that's inviting your friend to provide change! If you don't want to go say 'I don't want to go'!

The only sensible solution.

I had an ex like that. Could remember everything he needed: tobacco, phone, effing fishing equipment. Just constantly forgot what the household needed. Wilful incompetence.

I moved on too.

Oh gosh, I think I was a bit like this. It wouldn’t occur to me to take sparklers to a display or extras beyond essentials like wipes/nappies/lunch on a day out. I remember once going somewhere and everyone had taken snacks for their kids, it wouldn’t have occurred to me to take snacks given it wasn’t a mealtime. I found it hard enough to remember the essentials and we never had snacks when I was little.

Presumably she has a phone so there's no excuse for this now. When I've been out with a friend, if say they go to an arcade/get snacks in cash only place when I hadn't predicted needing cash (and there's not many of those now!), I can immediately send her the money.
Anything you can't reasonably expect money for, like wipes, I'd have said about after the first couple of times.

There's no CF as cheeky as a rich CF......

If they exist very happily without all that, then why are they happy to take OP’s children’s snacks?

I can bet any money that they are looking longingly until they’re offered.

Heck, she’s probably trained them to do that 🤣💯

You've been friends for 30 years, socialised as adults together, and - I assume - shared an affectionate and respectful friendship over many years. You'd have spotted it, OP, if she was a tight, freeloading CF, or any of the other names that some posters are calling your friend.

My money is on her feeling just as peevish with the merry-go-round of snacks/toys/treats that you turn up with every time. That's not how she wants to parent. If it was, she'd be doing it. She probably finds it impossible to tell her kids not to accept any of the handouts as to do so could be awkward and seem like a judgement on your style of parenting.

I'm finding it hard to understand how you must KNOW the kind of person she is, and yet you're not giving her any benefit of the doubt here. If she was a cheap, grasping CF, your friendship wouldn't have lasted 30 years.

I made a new friend when moving schools years ago. She'd ask if we wanted to go places and we did, but she would always come armed with snacks and every extra. The thing is, my kids didn't generally have snacks and a lot of the extras we didn't really need either. We'd have a change of clothes, so they'd go in the sea in shorts and tee shirt and friend would be horrified producing spare swimwear, ditto muddy activities had full outdoor outfits, mine didn't mind just getting muddy. We'd planned on a cafe lunch for a treat, so crisps and chocolate weren't really needed before then. But because her kids had them, then mine felt left out, so ended up sharing theirs.
I'm sure she thought we were disorganised. We wouldn't take sparklers to a bonfire either and there's always change available in arcades for slot machines, you don't need a to go in with a bag of it.
Our friendship fizzled as we just had different priorities.

Depends on the situation but I don’t really bring snacks, wipes, first aid kit, etc etc that most parents seem to bring out. Tbh I find it a bit irritating when other parents give my DD breadsticks and biscuits in the park. Often without her even asking, but she’s 3 so ofc she takes them enthusiastically. It just means I have to either be the bad guy or she fills up on crap before dinner. Same with cartons of juice when I want her to drink the water I’ve got in my bag.

Or she falls over and another parent starts offering her wipes, arnica cream, a plaster… What’s wrong with a cuddle and a dust off?

Yes, that bit makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

But do you really think what she saw in the friendship was free wipes? I just can't imagine that being a real motivation.

I think this is it: there are two brigades of parents!

I did have a big bag for "every eventuality" that we lugged when they were babies, but as soon as my youngest was out of nappies and on solids, we ditched it.

It was the bit about sharing toys, but I do like your little rhyme - that's a very good maxim for groups to live by.