AIBU to end a 30 year friendship over sparklers?

[Wotsitsbreath]

I’ve known my friend for over 30 years, we both have children of similar ages (one secondary, one primary and then she has one younger as well). We’ve always been really close and take the kids out together at least once a month as well as meeting just us two. One thing I’ve noticed recently is that our parenting styles are different and it’s causing me to resent her. I am hyper organised with my children. If we are out then I have snacks, spare clothes, baby wipes, wellies in the car etc. she’s much more of a laid back go with the flow kind of parent. The issue is, her kids need these things, so she’s increasingly just young my stuff!
We went to the beach, she didn’t bring anything for her kids to play with, so they took my kids toys. Not an issue, mine are good at sharing, but one of my son’s favourite spades (don’t ask, he’s autistic and gets attached!) got broken. We went to the arcade and she had no change so I had to give them some of our change. We went to the cinema, she didn’t bring or buy snacks, so her kids share mine. I’ve started taking extras to cover what she doesn’t so my kids don’t miss out. To be clear, she’s not struggling, she has a nice house, nice car and does several foreign holidays a year. Even when I remind her, she accidentally forgets or runs out of time.

And the next issue- bonfire night is coming up. We always walk to the local display together. I’ve been to the shop today and bought sparklers. I bought three packs, partner asked why so many and I realised that she never remembers to bring her own. I texted her and told her where they’re on sale and she made a joke about how she always forgets to buy them. It can’t be an accident, she just doesn’t bother, so I have to buy extras as her kids just expect me to provide them. She never does. It’s really upset me. She’s much better off than I am, has more children and I’m basically supplementing her income by buying for her kids as well as mine.

So, if you’ve got this far, would I be unreasonable to take a step back from the friendship if she doesn’t bring sparklers this year? I can’t say no to her kids, that’s punishing them for her mistakes and that feels cruel. But it’s something that’s really upsetting me now I’ve realised it’s happening.

Yes but kids are kids. My child ended up with a serious burn requiring two hospital follow ups due to a sparkler. Yes he was fully supervised.

Just to give an opposing point of view….

Back when my kids were toddler/preschool age, another mum started complaining about me saying she was always having to give my kids snacks and lend them toys when we were out at the park, I was taking advantage etc.

This got back to me and I was just baffled by it. From my point of view, my kids always had ample food, and didn’t need (or ask for) snacks on every short trip to the playground. And I usually didn’t bring toys with us because they would be playing with the playground equipment.

She’d always produce snacks and toys and offer them round to all the kids, and of course then the kids being so young would take them. But from my point of view this was totally unnecessary, and I’d never asked her to.

Is there any chance something like this is happening? It just seems strange to me that you’re always giving them snacks etc, maybe she just doesn’t think they need them?

Don't drop her, tell her your side of this. 'You don't bring things like snacks to the cinema or sparklers to the firework display; perhaps you don't mind doing without, but what happens is that my kids and I feel we have to share ours, and sometimes I feel obliged to buy extra. It would be fine occasionally but I'm starting to resent it.'

I'd go halfway op.

A 30 year friendship clearly has something in it, but maybe you are better as friends not mum-friends. And that is fine.

I think I'd take a step back from seeing them as a family and organise to see her for coffee, lunch etc without the dc.

Lots of mums do that when their dc fall out. I think I'd probably do that rather than saying something, because with your children the ages they are, they will soon be mixing with their own choice of friends anyway and I think the relationship between the dc will fizzle out naturally.

ETA and once you have had a spat over sparklers and plastic spades, it is kind of always there!

I'd treat this as your relationship and move it away from being a family one, which is where the issues of an otherwise healthy friendship seem to have crept in due to different parenting styles.

YANBU she's a CF. But Sparklers are banned at displays local to me. Mainly because not everyone bothered to find a bucket of water to put them in children got burnt.

As someone’s already said, if you’re annoyed enough to step back from the relationship it’s worth a proper, honest chat. You’ll know her best and how to phrase it but it’s worth a go don’t you think?

That fixes that particular issue, then. But as others have said OP, you are being a doormat. She's only taking the mick because you let her - and you are not responsible for her kids' happiness. If they miss out, that's on her.

And to the person who can't think of a world where you wouldn't buy enough for all the kids, you must be very well off.

Of course these things can happen. Accidents sometimes happen with kids, even when supervised.

It doesn't mean that everything should be banned that can potentially cause a child to have an accident.

I hope your DC is ok now.

Just leave her to manage what she needs. For example cinema she needs to buy her kids expensive food as forgot snacks. Arcades she needs to get change from the kiosk as doesn’t have any. And so on. Just don’t get involved.

Why is the immediate go to always to break a friendship apart rather than just having a fucking conversation about it?! Use your words OP and bloody tell her?!!!

At a busy public display, there isnt space to wave them around at arms length, and no where to dispose of them safely.

Just kerp them for home.

And sparklers are dangerous and should be banned

She is a mean women who knows you're are soft touch.
Real friends don't screw friends over and use them.
Why would you allow this?

OP if she’s that good of a friend you need to speak to her. Why do you swoop in to protect her children from being disappointed? Stop enabling this! If her kids want snacks at the cinema and she didn’t bring/buy any then your job is not to provide for everyone. Same with sparklers - bring enough for yours and let hers be disappointed. You have to let them be annoyed or disappointed, and you have to say something.

I have a friend like this. There was an awkward day when I'd had enough, i simply only brought enough for my kid and forced myself not to have him share it. I then didn't see her for about 5 months. Ever since then she always brings to loads of snacks. Don't know if it works the same with sparklers though.

This is the way id interpret it.

I would probably ask do you want me to get some sparklers they cost ???, can you transfer across.

You are testing her with the sparklers, she won't understand and if you explain she will think it is literally about sparklers.

Firstly you can say no to her kids. You can say sorry I only have for my kids, did you and mum forget to bring yours? The kids have some responsibility too to remember snacks or toys, they aren't toddlers. They should be reminding their mum, so don't feel and about saying no. You'll be teaching them a life lesson.

You can msg to say they have sparklers/ whatever in the shop. I'm there in 10 mins, revolut me if you want me to double up. Then if she doesn't pay, msg saying I never got the money so presumed you didn't want any.

You can arrive without stuff and then you'll both be in a pickle. She can go to the shop and by everything and you can say its nice to have you foot the bill this time. From now on let's take turns bringing stuff.

I think you've let this become a big thing in your head but she is oblivious, if she means anything you need to talk to her. Maybe don't say how angry you are, just tell her it won't be happening again and you feel taken advantage of. It can be somewhat amicable. Listen I didn't buy extra treats for yours this time cos I feel I'm always doing it. Can you make sure you are organised next time please? Let her kids complain and whine if needs be. If she doesn't take the hint a serious sit down might be needed, I appreciate that's harder. Don't let a good friend go though if you can help it, they don't grow on trees.

Interesting take on the situation. The friend and her kids might be thinking that offering snacks is something OP particularly enjoys doing, or she feels guilty eating them unless everyone she's with joins in. The friend may not particularly like her kids having sparklers so pretends to forget to buy them. OP could just ask her whether she prefers her children not to have too many snacks, since she doesn't bring many with her.

Tbh, I would message: Sorry but I’ve decided to take the kids to bonfire night on my own this year as it is easier and cheaper for me to only have to worry about packing enough snacks and sparklers for my lot. I feel guilty if I don’t keep sharing my kids’ stuff with yours and I have to confess I’ve come to resent it now. It’s spoiling my time with them and really unfair to expect them to always have to share. Hope you understand.

To be honest though, could it be that she doesn't 'do' snacks? For example, we have 3 meals a day and don't do snacks in between, even when we go out etc. But if I'm out with a friend, or, to be honest, most friends and their kids who are stuffing their faces from dawn until dusk, then there are only so many times you can say, "no thanks, we won't have one, let's do X instead".

The rest of it isn't disorganisation though, it's just CFery. She obviously is organised enough to organise several holidays a year, so she just needs to buck up and throw an extra few packets of baby wipes etc in the car. It's laziness.

Why not say, "hey, I'll take the sparklers, why don't you take the snacks for all of them".

Have a friendly conversation with her, but be honest about how you feel. If she is a genuine friend she will be apologetic for her thoughtlessness and keen to change her behaviour. Friendship saved.

If she kicks off or dismisses you, then at least you will know she is a CF and it is not a "friendship" you wish to keep.

Ouch! That is strong stuff. Not sure the friendship would recover. Supposing the friend is oblivious to all this and doesn't care if her kids have snacks or not?

So that's where common sense applies.
If there's not enough room, you obviously don't do it.

Why? That's perfectly reasonable. Sparklers are fun.