AIBU to end a 30 year friendship over sparklers?

[Wotsitsbreath]

I’ve known my friend for over 30 years, we both have children of similar ages (one secondary, one primary and then she has one younger as well). We’ve always been really close and take the kids out together at least once a month as well as meeting just us two. One thing I’ve noticed recently is that our parenting styles are different and it’s causing me to resent her. I am hyper organised with my children. If we are out then I have snacks, spare clothes, baby wipes, wellies in the car etc. she’s much more of a laid back go with the flow kind of parent. The issue is, her kids need these things, so she’s increasingly just young my stuff!
We went to the beach, she didn’t bring anything for her kids to play with, so they took my kids toys. Not an issue, mine are good at sharing, but one of my son’s favourite spades (don’t ask, he’s autistic and gets attached!) got broken. We went to the arcade and she had no change so I had to give them some of our change. We went to the cinema, she didn’t bring or buy snacks, so her kids share mine. I’ve started taking extras to cover what she doesn’t so my kids don’t miss out. To be clear, she’s not struggling, she has a nice house, nice car and does several foreign holidays a year. Even when I remind her, she accidentally forgets or runs out of time.

And the next issue- bonfire night is coming up. We always walk to the local display together. I’ve been to the shop today and bought sparklers. I bought three packs, partner asked why so many and I realised that she never remembers to bring her own. I texted her and told her where they’re on sale and she made a joke about how she always forgets to buy them. It can’t be an accident, she just doesn’t bother, so I have to buy extras as her kids just expect me to provide them. She never does. It’s really upset me. She’s much better off than I am, has more children and I’m basically supplementing her income by buying for her kids as well as mine.

So, if you’ve got this far, would I be unreasonable to take a step back from the friendship if she doesn’t bring sparklers this year? I can’t say no to her kids, that’s punishing them for her mistakes and that feels cruel. But it’s something that’s really upsetting me now I’ve realised it’s happening.

Would you really rather end the friendship than talk frankly with her about it? And if you can't talk frankly, then is it even much of a friendship?

Yeah, it’s crap behaviour. Rather than end the friendship, why not raise it first. You’ll need to be honest: be factual, list some things she’s failed to buy and tell her that it’s happening so frequently and is so one-sided that you feel taken advantage of. Note that she has her own money, but thinks absolutely nothing of continually taking from you and your children. She’ll either learn a lesson from it and keep your friendship, or she’ll have a sulk and you’ll fall out as you planned to do. But at least this way you give her a chance to redeem herself.

Sorry for the late reply, wasn’t expecting so many responses so quickly! I’ve had a quick look through and a few answers-

• I don’t offer her kids the snacks/sparklers etc, her kids will ask mine directly and they say yes and share. I don’t want to stop them doing this as it’s something I like that they’re kind enough to do
• as I said, my child is autistic, so yes I’m overly organised. Life isn’t easy and if a bag of biscuits can prevent a meltdown, then I’m doing it
• ive made small comments saying has she forgotten or does she need to go to the kiosk etc and she usually just says oh yeah and then doesn’t bother.
• if she didn’t want her kids having the stuff then that’s fine, but she shouldn’t be allowing them to take it from mine if that’s the case

lastly on to the sparklers! I never realised this was an issue. Ours is a small local bonfire in a private field. Theres loads of space and not too many people so it’s never been an issue. I’ve always stuck the sparklers in carrots (something they learnt in cubs!) and made them wear gloves and we’ve never had an issue. I’ll check if they’re banned from this display though thanks

It may be about the money or just very disorganised generally.
That can be a bit annoying to be relied on completely as sometimes everyone forgets.

However i dont get why a secondary and primary kid need wellies and wipes. We not longer take those.
and why woukd you give her change as here the arcade let you use a card or a note?
Possibly hers dont actually care about the sparklers so she cant be bothered to buy them.

Her life will be much more hectic with 3.

Surely you have a direct conversation with her about it, I would tell her straight exactly as you have written here that you are no longer providing snacks, spending money, toys or anything else for that matter, you can't afford it and you are buying extra for her children as you know she won't provide for her own children.

If you don't want to do that, just stop being available and let the friendship slide. I think telling her directly if she's an old friend would be better though.

she made a joke about how she always forgets to buy them. It can’t be an accident, she just doesn’t bother,

Sounds like weaponised incompetence to me. 💯
She is taking the piss, knowing that you will pick up the slack and there won't be a consequence!
I would back off from her and her CF ways for a bit.
@Wotsitsbreath

As a mum who can be quite disorganised at times (I forget wipes, snacks etc) I can understand her being this way. With me it’s not laziness- far from it - I just have so much on my plate and my brain can be a little hectic (possibly adhd- who knows?) if I manage to get all the kids fed, washed, us all out of the house and all the essentials done you can guarantee I’ll forget some non essentials such as wipes or snacks. For me I end up buying them though rather than borrowing off friends.or stopping at the shop on the way and being late. I’m not lazy and I beat myself up over forgetting things - I’m just not very organised and don’t always think of things like that. So I understand where your friend is coming from to an extent - as I say I wouldn’t let a friend provide these especially if it was costing her - and if I did then I would offer to buy the coffees / transfer the cost of said items . I also totally understand where you’re coming from. I don’t think it’s worth ending a long term friendship though. The children are obviously really attached to each other and for yours it’s great they are learning to share and be kind. For hers it’s great they have you to do this 😌 if it were me I would have a conversation with her- when you’re on your own not with the kids. Tell her that you’re starting to feel resentful and you’re going to have to stop doing it as it’s costing you a lot more money but you really don’t want her kids to lose out or if it to affect your friendship. Maybe having a kitty or something like that could work? I know I always compensate any friends who are more organised than I am - so if they bring snacks or supplies that my kids use I will always compensate- probably over compensate by buying the coffees or whatever or making a point of buying them something as a thank you. Not sure if this helps, but it’s not always about money, sometimes a person just genuinely forgets . Also she may not think the kids need all this but when you bring and offer she accepts - does that make sense? You might have different standards. You like to be super organised and prepared whereas she just wants to get there and can’t plan or doesn’t prioritise bringing things as you do. Letting her kids go without and saying you’re only bringing supplies for yours would be a gentle way to let her know that you can’t always subsidise. I hope this helps and good luck 🤞 it sounds like you are very different in terms of your approaches for organisation but don’t let that ruin your friendship

I'm going to be totally honest OP, I probably wouldn't organise all these things and also wouldn't interfere if they were being shared by the other children. I might say "oh is that ok, are you sure you have enough?" but on the whole I'd keep quiet for fear that I sounded critical of the snacks. We aren't a big snack family, and certainly never have taken snacks along since ours were toddlers to be honest. They just wait. I realise that might be trickier for your DS and I;m not judging. But I'd probably not say in front of you if yours were having and sharing them "no you don't need snacks" because I'd feel I might imply I was criticising you for giving them.

I suspect it might be more this rather than that she is thinking "Oh I won't take snacks because Wotsit will and I can scrounge them off her." I think the snacks might be a bigger thing for you than in her mind if that makes sense.

I would step back anyway. She’s a user. She constantly takes the piss.

The reason that she never takes any of her own stuff is because she knows that she can use your’s

See her without the kids. Keep the friendship, but see her less frequently. As the kids grow up and become more independent, these problems will dissipate.

I agree with this. With your child being autistic you obviously have to be super prepared but for her she may not need to do this. My kids can wait also I’m not hugely into snacks - I wish I was organised but the world doesn’t end for us if we don’t have a bag full of everything whereas for you it might cause a melt down and that’s totally understandable . We can usually make do and the kids are ok. I hope you sort it out 😌

Do they actually need sparklers though?

id have thought sparklers in a crowded area are quite unsafe

My SIL is like this. Went to beach, no food or drink for her dd.

I've never heard of the carrot trick. This is absolutely genius!

Oh yeah and I agree with the snacks thing mentioned above.. My kids don’t need constant grazing they will wait for a meal if we’re out and about.

I had a similar dynamic with a long-term friend. For a long time I didn't mind very much, then I did and I just couldn't get past it. There were a couple of examples I raised with her and she just didn't respond sensitively to the cues that I was feeling annoyed/ exploited. I had been willingly generous to her and her children for many years, but concluded that she would always take more than I felt comfortable giving. I decided to take a step back and to focus my energy on friends who are more considerate of me or more reciprocal- I haven't regretted it.

This is also my take on it. Everything to me points to both not really being onboard with the other's parenting, but not wanting to say anything, as it might well cause offence.

I'm glad you've clarified, OP, that your friend isn't asking for any of this stuff: she's just not matching your snack/toys/whatever parenting style, and not wanting to sound critical of your own way of doing things.

I think you definitely need a chat if it's annoying you, but rather than some of the suggestions here - I think you need to approach this carefully. Nothing you've said points to your friend being a freeloading CF to me. I think it points to a parent who probably finds it difficult to navigate outings where one set of kids is constantly being furnished with snacks/toys/extras, and her own children who perhaps exist very happily without all that when they're out as a family or with other friends with similar parenting outlooks.

It’s a safety issue basically. There are crowds of people and waving extremely hot, sparking metal around is seen as ill advised by insurance companies.

People’s behaviours at these events can be poor and they either then:
-drop the hot metal on the ground (litter/ potential cause of injury/ bonfire season starts in September so this year especially also a potential fire hazard)
-throw them (tends to be the teenagers)
-just don’t pay attention to what they’re doing

If you must buy them, please leave them at home and enjoy them before or after attending a display.

And a plea, where I live (Sussex) most village/ town displays are organised by bonfire societies - volunteers who fundraise through the year to put them on; if you enjoy a firework display, procession or bonfire, please go and support them, listen to any instructions or ‘rules’ and be kind to the marshalls, volunteers and anyone wearing a striped jumper.

Yes, I agree Op - and that isn't wanting to be unsympathetic as I can see how it might be feeling from your perspective.

I just think you are great friends, but have very different parenting styles and are misreading each other a bit on that front. I don't sense she is thinking it is a great idea to use you; she just is on a different wavelength about how necessary these things are.

In my first post I suggested moving the friendship away from a "kids in tow" dynamic to a friendship you keep for your "me time," and I do wonder if that would help put it back on a more even keel for you. You don't have to share everything with your family, especially if the fit isn't a good one. DH and I each have a friend or two the other doesn't really like. My friend can be a bit uptight/ocd which irritates him and his is a total chauvinistic blowarse and so we just tend to get together for lunches during the working week when it is natural not to drag the fandamily along.

It would, in short, be a shame to lose such a long friendship over snacks and sparklers, and I think there is a longer history between the two of you than just these years. Don't let a temporary mismatch infect something long-lived.

Yes, I find it strange that some parents constantly give them snacks and bottles of water, they don't need it constantly.

She’s as tight as a duck’s arse, don’t meet up with her anymore!

Well some children might. Mine don't, but I haven't parented OP's children.

However, if I didn't take snacks, it definitely wouldn't be because I was thinking it was a great idea to use hers.

She's not struggling with her nice house, nice cars, multiple holidays a year because she goes through life expecting everyone else to cover on the day to day 'little things' that add up quickly ... so she can keep having those things.

I hate people like that.

When she jokes about forgetting everything, joke back and say ‘I know you bloody do! I genuinely buy enough for both families now. Will having to start charging you - it’s making me poor!’