AIBU to end a 30 year friendship over sparklers?

[Wotsitsbreath]

I’ve known my friend for over 30 years, we both have children of similar ages (one secondary, one primary and then she has one younger as well). We’ve always been really close and take the kids out together at least once a month as well as meeting just us two. One thing I’ve noticed recently is that our parenting styles are different and it’s causing me to resent her. I am hyper organised with my children. If we are out then I have snacks, spare clothes, baby wipes, wellies in the car etc. she’s much more of a laid back go with the flow kind of parent. The issue is, her kids need these things, so she’s increasingly just young my stuff!
We went to the beach, she didn’t bring anything for her kids to play with, so they took my kids toys. Not an issue, mine are good at sharing, but one of my son’s favourite spades (don’t ask, he’s autistic and gets attached!) got broken. We went to the arcade and she had no change so I had to give them some of our change. We went to the cinema, she didn’t bring or buy snacks, so her kids share mine. I’ve started taking extras to cover what she doesn’t so my kids don’t miss out. To be clear, she’s not struggling, she has a nice house, nice car and does several foreign holidays a year. Even when I remind her, she accidentally forgets or runs out of time.

And the next issue- bonfire night is coming up. We always walk to the local display together. I’ve been to the shop today and bought sparklers. I bought three packs, partner asked why so many and I realised that she never remembers to bring her own. I texted her and told her where they’re on sale and she made a joke about how she always forgets to buy them. It can’t be an accident, she just doesn’t bother, so I have to buy extras as her kids just expect me to provide them. She never does. It’s really upset me. She’s much better off than I am, has more children and I’m basically supplementing her income by buying for her kids as well as mine.

So, if you’ve got this far, would I be unreasonable to take a step back from the friendship if she doesn’t bring sparklers this year? I can’t say no to her kids, that’s punishing them for her mistakes and that feels cruel. But it’s something that’s really upsetting me now I’ve realised it’s happening.

you have tolerated a cf for 30 years?

The friend has asked her to go round and tarmac her drive. She's taking snacks for everyone.

Yep

I’d make sure in future there was nothing spare for her kids. It’s not you who’s depriving them of sparklers, sweets, or anything else.

I’d just let her face the law of natural consequences.

When she asks why you/your kids can’t share, ask her when she is going to provide for her kids and not leave it down to you.

It might lead to a big argument, but actually, I think it’s time you had one.

Or, tell her you won’t have any spare sparklers so if she doesn’t bring any, her kids will have to miss out. And do this every single time you meet up with her.

I'm horrified by all the suggestions of accidentally forgetting things, bringing less etc - this stuff is so passive aggressive! If she is a true friend you can have a direct conversation with her. The key is how you do it - to be direct and firm but also not too general and blamey (I'd be tempted to go for the pattern that'd crept up angle so it doesn't seem like you're just unleashing years of resentment!).

On the other hand if you actually no longer want to be close to her because you see this as a character deficit that you can't get past, that is also totally fair enough. It's your life and you are entitled to change your mind about someone or to decide they are no longer your person. Again if possible though I'd suggest directness and honesty about your reasons rather than effectively ghosting her or distancing yourself by stealth.

It can be really painful to hear negative feedback and some people take it very badly however it is phrased. However, not letting people know your reasons for being resentful and distant leaves them in limbo and I'd argue is usually a crueller way to do things. I would also suggest that by accepting her scrounging off you for so long, you have conveyed the message that she can continue in the same way and don't mind. Some people will treat anyone badly and others will treat us as badly as we let them, or genuinely not realise they are treating us badly because they take our seeming acceptance as consent or or contentment.

Sparklers are incredibly dangerous. I think it’s incredibly irresponsible to take them to a display, and give them to children!

Stop rescuing her
By continuing you are giving the message you are fine with doing it
Feelings/ actions need to match
Take each of your children a small box with crackers, biscuits and a drink
Stop giving her nappies etc
Its actually preventing her parenting each time you step in
Her kids/ her responsibility

You're being walked over OP.

I've never known an arcade where they don't have a machine or cashier to change money. At the cinema, be assertive before you go in and remind her to get snacks as you don't have enough to share. You say you don't want her DC 'punished', but if they never have the disappointment of not having something, then she'll never learn, as you always bail her out. Learn to say no.

You can't blame the clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep visiting the circus.

OP, is your friend actually asking for these things? As in, can we have some of your snacks/money/etc?

I know parents who just don't take this stuff because they don't want their DC to constantly be expecting those things. As in, it's fine to have an afternoon out without needing a snack, or not taking beach toys, because there's sand, pebbles and the sea, so who needs anything else, type thing?

I'm just trying to understand which she is - a total CF on the make, or a mindful parent trying to teach her kids that a constant supply of 'extras' isn't necassary?

You don't need to end the friendship - that feels extreme, but I wouldn't keep hanging out with your children together, just meet up for coffee. Either that or stop rescuing her (no matter how bad you might feel for her DC). You've probably done it so often that the expectation is there and she doesn't think to question it. For example as long as she had access to money, there was no need for you give her DC money in the arcade or share snacks at the cinema - she could easily have got change (arcades provide it) and bought snacks herself. I wouldn't necessarily have baby wipes and spare clothes for primary and secondary school children, so she could probably do without these. I don't think sharing toys at the beach is a big deal - I would expect them to be playing together if they are the same ages and out together. Also as DS is autistic, make his toys and games off limits. Also is she actually asking ou for things or are you offering because you think they should have them?

@DiscoElysia absolutely this.
So much pandering and passive aggressive behaviour.
Just talk to the woman!

I wouldn’t end the friendship, but I’d definitely be saying to her you’re fed up subbing her.

Even when I remind her, she accidentally forgets or runs out of time

She doesn't "accidentally" forget. She deliberately "forgets".

I think you should have a conversation with her and tell her you can't afford to keep subsidising her and her children and that from now on you won't be buying snacks for them at the cinema/giving her change for the slot machines/buying sparklers. So that means the next time you go out you won't be paying for things for her children because you can't afford it. And then stick to it. Stop paying for things. And if she doesn't change her ways then stop going out with her.

Stop taking things for her children and when they ask you tell to ask their mum.

She doesn't realise you mind. If you always show up with double of everything she thinks you're happy to do it. Just stop doing it and she'll wise up quickly. Or tell her it's really annoying you I have been that friend up to a point (not that bad!) but would have been similar when younger without realising how rubbish I was being.

If you don't have sparklers how are the children going to learn how to spell swear words correctly? That's the slippery slope of the thin edge of the wedge.

You won't find it in any history books but it's where the Minoans went wrong.

Ah the I'm so ditzy... I forgot act...
Aye great cover for being a CF
Bet you this friend doesn't forget things when she is going on her holidays

If you follow safety rules and supervise your kids properly, there's nothing wrong with sparklers.
Hold at arms length, keep your distance from other people, if having them at home keep a bucket of water handy to put the spent ones in as soon as they're "done."

I would just take the exact number of sparklers that you promised your kids and if she turns up empty handed explain that you can’t share. See what happens. She may just need to be a taught a lesson. Likely several times over.

Petty, perhaps, because I do think refusing a child a 35p sparkler is petty. The rules in our friendship group have always been 'buy for one, buy for all, but it's OK to not buy at all'

Please explain how I'm suggesting she's selfish?

They can be incredibly dangerous but they don't have to be if you supervise and teach your child to hold them at arms length etc.

This ^

You just ask her if she wants you to pick some up and tell her she owes you x amount. I'm not understanding why you couldn't have had a word about it, well before now.

And this ^

Just talk to her and ask her why

So when your children didn’t have snacks, drinks, beach toys etc and others with you did, what did you do?
Did your children go without or were you happy for other people to share what they had bought/brought for their own kids?
Subsidising you.

I always kept beach toys etc in the car in case we ended up somewhere where we could use them. I was happy for mine to share with whomever was there as it was a good way to meet new people. We never saw any of them again but we all had fun at the time.

(So long as my children weren’t having to do without or hand over their favourites.)

I didn’t go out for the day without taking drinks/snacks/wipes etc.
Anything I thought we might need.

It didn’t require a great deal of planning and I wasn’t prepared to pay kiosk/cinema prices etc.

If I invited another child with us, I made it very clear that I expected to pay for absolutely everything. And I’d them into a supermarket etc so that they could choose.

I’m a very generous, kind person but the OP’s friend is taking the piss, big style!