DH flipped at me and said I was accusing him of cheating… I wasn’t! Was I unreasonable to ask?

[PumpkinBumpkinx]

DH has always been very friendly and gregarious. This has led to problems in the past where female friends have messaged me telling me he was being flirty. I don’t mind flirting to be honest, it’s part of his personality.

2 years ago he was back in contact with an old friend. Messages were overly friendly and there was talks of meet ups. They never did. It caused issues in our marriage and he acknowledged he had taken it too far.

Tonight we were driving to the cinema. He told me to use hands free on his phone to call the couple (the male) we were meeting up with. Clicked on it, and a woman’s name I vaguely recognised was in recent contacts. I said, word for word, “oh did you manage to request a change of supervisor to woman’s name?”. He said he’d called her because she had some “gossip” about work. He briefly told me about this gossip. He was quiet after this and just cagey. He said the phone call was only 30 minutes. I said ok. After the cinema he said to me “do you think I’m cheating?”. I said no, I was asking about a phone call, I wasn’t accusing you, I thought it was related to work and just asked. He got annoyed asking if my insecurities were playing up. I said I wasn’t vaguely interested in why he called her, he works with her. He then said “so you think she wants me then? Is that it?”

what in the world just happened?! Am I being unreasonable asking about the phone call, or is his response very odd?

I mean this is classic guilty behaviour isn’t it? Erratic, overly emotional behaviour and intense denial when you haven’t even accused him of anything…he sounds nuts (and guilty).

Remind us, why are you with this guy? He sounds like a prize prick.

My ex behaved like this when I had a gut feeling about something. Over the years I learned not to trust my gut and not to say anything. I eventually found out he was cheating each and every time! He had me trained perfectly so he could carry on. Don’t be me OP.

Genuine question: might he be mentally unwell? Sobbing and threatening to quit his job, and generally carrying on, does not sound like rational behaviour to me.

Okay, this may sound harsh but to be honest, I'm a bit furious on your behalf right now. I'd back way up and start with your statement that his regularly flirting with other women is okay and just part of his personality.

My feeling is that you're being majorly gaslit right there. This is further shown when he continues with this same MO when he's caught at more than flirting. He's telling you that YOU that did something wrong. And you're halfway believing it.

When someone says "Oh, I'm just a big old flirt," I instantly dislike them and, as a married person, I get rid of them. Because what it translates to, to me, is "I get a thrill out of crossing boundaries, with no respect for my or other people's marriages. The usual social rules don't apply to me. I seek constant sexual validation from strangers. I put out sexual signals wherever I go." Single people flirting with other single people, fine. Otherwise, ick, no.

After all, what is "flirting" but putting out sexual hints? That's exactly what it is and he does it so much that it's "part of who he is." That's a problem. Whether those sexual hints are taken further or not is up in the air at that point but he is definitely, deliberately putting those signals out there.

Who needs it? Your partner is supposed to have your back and protect your heart and your relationship. Constantly giving sexual hints to other women is the opposite of that.

And, as is to be expected when someone takes step one on a journey, that invites consideration of step two, then step three. These little "whoopsies" of his, well, he asked and he received.

You've also had multiple other people tell you they found his behavior with them inappropriate but apparently, you felt that they just didn't understand his extra special personality. You may want to rethink that.

I suggest marriage counseling or finding someone with a better personality. Best wishes to you.

I hope you're managing to have a nice birthday OP, despite all that's been happening.

Im afraid I agree with most other posters...he's up to something. The over protesting, the gaslighting, the new hygiene regime, the floral scent on him...it all sounds very suspicious.

You need to find your self respect OP. Take control back.

You don't have to put up with it. Tell him he's acting mental at this point and you aren't having this shit on your birthday. That he's messed with your head enough, and you actually can't be arsed with it.

You won't make sense of it because he lies to your face

Gas lighting at its finest. Your insecurities?

play carefully here!

from experience, there’s no such thing as casual flirting. Those men are predators, always looking to cheat

can you suggest counselling? Tell him you need to work on your insecurities and trust

oerhaps an independent person can bring clarity

You are in a very controlling abusive relationship.

He is cheating.
He sounds like he has huge narcissistic traits.

Get yourself quietly organised.
Get copies of any financials.
Tell family and friends you need support.

You are 100% being played and gaslit.
I wouldn't believe a word from him.

He is highly manipulative and thinks he is miles ahead of you with his crying bullshit.

Ask him why can’t you join them on this after work meal and see what bs excuse he’ll come up with.

I don't think he’s cheating, he’s desperately trying to though it just depends if she’s up for it. Just out of interest, this 26 year is starting her own company? And offering him a job? Yeah, course.
Hes a fucking loser and a sleaze, get rid.