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DH flipped at me and said I was accusing him of cheating… I wasn’t! Was I unreasonable to ask?

212 replies

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 21:46

DH has always been very friendly and gregarious. This has led to problems in the past where female friends have messaged me telling me he was being flirty. I don’t mind flirting to be honest, it’s part of his personality.

2 years ago he was back in contact with an old friend. Messages were overly friendly and there was talks of meet ups. They never did. It caused issues in our marriage and he acknowledged he had taken it too far.

Tonight we were driving to the cinema. He told me to use hands free on his phone to call the couple (the male) we were meeting up with. Clicked on it, and a woman’s name I vaguely recognised was in recent contacts. I said, word for word, “oh did you manage to request a change of supervisor to woman’s name?”. He said he’d called her because she had some “gossip” about work. He briefly told me about this gossip. He was quiet after this and just cagey. He said the phone call was only 30 minutes. I said ok. After the cinema he said to me “do you think I’m cheating?”. I said no, I was asking about a phone call, I wasn’t accusing you, I thought it was related to work and just asked. He got annoyed asking if my insecurities were playing up. I said I wasn’t vaguely interested in why he called her, he works with her. He then said “so you think she wants me then? Is that it?”

what in the world just happened?! Am I being unreasonable asking about the phone call, or is his response very odd?

OP posts:
Frequency · 15/10/2026 23:42

He's cheating on you, if not with this woman, then with someone else.

iveryseldomfollowit · 15/10/2026 23:49

Piglet89 · 15/10/2026 22:52

No; he’s hoping one of the many women he’s flirting with is gonna coco pop his crunchy nuts.

😂 Love it!

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 23:54

What’s stuck out to me, after this conversation, I did some snooping… he told me in passing a few months ago this lady was in her 40s. I’ve just seen she’s 26? We’re 30s. Why the lie?

OP posts:
iveryseldomfollowit · 15/10/2026 23:54

Piglet89 · 15/10/2026 22:52

No; he’s hoping one of the many women he’s flirting with is gonna coco pop his crunchy nuts.

And what happened to ‘how do you like your eggs in the morning?’

COL crisis maybe? 🤔

iveryseldomfollowit · 15/10/2026 23:57

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 23:54

What’s stuck out to me, after this conversation, I did some snooping… he told me in passing a few months ago this lady was in her 40s. I’ve just seen she’s 26? We’re 30s. Why the lie?

Because he’s young enough to think 40+ is unattractive. Trying to put you off the scent or legitimately doesn’t want you to get jealous over nothing. Which one is it OP?

Anyahyacinth · 15/10/2026 23:57

Most of all ...he is nasty to you. That's not ok.

WeAreNumpties · 16/10/2026 00:35

Sorry, innocent people just do not behave like that. The poster above that said he's trained you into thinking it's ok for him to crack on to your mates is right.

graygoose · 16/10/2026 00:58

His defensiveness speaks volumes. For cheating I firmly believe you do not need to wait until you have video footage of someone doing the deed (emotional or physical). His reaction to an innocent conversation was totally over the top. And now he frankly forces your hand. If he isn’t cheating then he should have no problem talking to you about this and showing you the messages. If he refuses to do that because he believes it’s an invasion of his privacy then that’s the red flag.

I don’t for one second believe that if he wasn’t cheating he would stand his ground and refuse to show you the messages if the alternative is you assuming he is cheating and leaving him. He WOULD refuse to show you the messages if they were obviously dodgy, and that would be worse than the gaslighting and doubt he implants in your mind by pretending that you are somehow the Stasi hell bent on violating his personal freedoms. That way he gets to say you’re the crazy one, there no proof etc etc. When in reality, his refusal to be open IS the proof.

Having been through a divorce myself involving infidelity I don’t play silly buggers anymore. One whiff and I’m out.

ReginaPhalange01 · 16/10/2026 01:07

Do you not think it’s strange that the women he’s previously chosen to flirt with aren’t strangers, but actually your friends? Surely he must realise there’s a good chance it would get back to you. I find that incredibly disrespectful.

Boreded · 16/10/2026 04:22

He is cheating. Probably has many times.

FiveShelties · 16/10/2026 04:40

I would be horrified if friends of mine texted to tell me my husband had been flirting with them. He sounds really sleazy and judging by his defensive reply to your question would guess he has been cheating for years.

Wallywobbles · 16/10/2026 04:44

No one tells their friend their DH has been flirting with them unless it’s gone far too far.

SumptuousPecanNougat · 16/10/2026 04:46

He's a known flirt and he's acting guilty. I wouldn't trust him one bit.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 16/10/2026 04:53

iveryseldomfollowit · 15/10/2026 22:24

@PumpkinBumpkinx what if you had answered, yes, I think she wants you?

Would that have been the confirmation he needed to go for it?

He seems to be talking to you as though he is single and you’re his mate not his wife.

I thought this too.

OxfordCircus · 16/10/2026 05:07

Wallywobbles · 16/10/2026 04:44

No one tells their friend their DH has been flirting with them unless it’s gone far too far.

Agree.

“I don’t mind flirting to be honest, it’s part of his personality.”

with love @PumpkinBumpkinx this is a lie you tell yourself to cope with the disrespect your husband has shown you over the years. His behaviour is highly suspicious. He’s very likely cheating.

Makebelieveanotherlife · 16/10/2026 05:11

you’re ok with flirting because it’s part of his ‘personality’. Can’t believe you actually believe something like that op. no such thing as a flirt. He must just be a creep around people.

Makebelieveanotherlife · 16/10/2026 05:13

OxfordCircus · 16/10/2026 05:07

Agree.

“I don’t mind flirting to be honest, it’s part of his personality.”

with love @PumpkinBumpkinx this is a lie you tell yourself to cope with the disrespect your husband has shown you over the years. His behaviour is highly suspicious. He’s very likely cheating.

Exactly! No self respecting woman would tolerate or accept this.
op you know what everyone thinks of the wife of a ‘flirty’ husband- we pity her. It’s humiliating to her. I’m sorry, but this man isn’t charming or cute or whatever you think about being ‘flirty’. He sounds guilty of something too.

pinkdelight · 16/10/2026 05:19

It’s not normal for friends to message you flagging how flirty your husband is with them. They’ve been trying to tell you he’s a cheat. He’s now telling you he’s a cheat. I think you must know it deep down and have been in denial plus he’s gaslit you about insecurities. But the signs are pretty blatant. Churches les femmes,’multiple over the years. And don’t be cowed into letting it slide by his defensive tactics. They’re screaming guilty conscience.

Adelle5923 · 16/10/2026 05:58

FiveShelties · 16/10/2026 04:40

I would be horrified if friends of mine texted to tell me my husband had been flirting with them. He sounds really sleazy and judging by his defensive reply to your question would guess he has been cheating for years.

This! How vile to be behaving so poorly that people have to message you to tell you about it. Does it matter whether he’s cheating or not OP? He’s sleazy to the point people have told you about it, and it takes guts to tell a friend that, what about all the times he’s behaved disgustingly towards people that haven’t told you?!

EnjoythemoneyJane · 16/10/2026 06:19

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 23:54

What’s stuck out to me, after this conversation, I did some snooping… he told me in passing a few months ago this lady was in her 40s. I’ve just seen she’s 26? We’re 30s. Why the lie?

Because he’s a habitual boundary tester, and doesn’t want you to be aware of the extent he does this with women he finds attractive. He’s ‘that guy’ (there are bloody loads of them IME) and he’s done it right in front of you for so long that you brush it off as part of his personality - do you really imagine that he doesn’t escalate to even more inappropriate interactions when you’re not there to witness his behaviour?

What you describe as ‘flirty’ is what most women would recognise as the type of married bloke who’ll constantly be cheeky and over-familiar with women in public, because it gives him plausible deniability if he pushes an approach and gets rebuffed. And whether he’s acted on it yet or not, there will be women he’s pushing it with, leaving the door open to something more if they’re receptive to it.

It may be just an ego boost for him so far, but his ridiculously defensive reaction to your (perfectly reasonable) question suggests that he knows fine well he’s overstepping and his behaviour is wrong. For him to raise the subject of infidelity so quickly and try to push it back on you means he’s - at the very least - hyper-aware of the possibility of cheating when he’s interacting with women who aren’t you. Unfortunately OP he’s open to it and one day probably will, if he hasn’t already.

Username1981 · 16/10/2026 06:20

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it’s probably a duck.

He’s a cheat. He’s previously clearly being ‘fishing’ for an affair partner before (which you tolerated as flirting) and shows signs of currently having one.

He is a walking parade of red flags and nasty to boot.

NeelyOHara · 16/10/2026 06:25

30 mins is a very long phone call imo, work gossip takes a few minutes.
She’s 26? He lied about her age to throw you off the scent - he’s grafting on her for sure. Sorry but there’s a strong possibility that he is the office sleaze.

cartagenagina · 16/10/2026 06:28

Sunbringer · 15/10/2026 22:07

I’d say he’s cheated on you multiple times over the years and trained you into thinking you have to be cool about him flirting with your friends.

That was my take too, sorry.

Conniebygaslight · 16/10/2026 06:30

Maybe what your friends mean when they say he’s flirting with them is that he’s actually a massive creep? He sounds dreadful. The way he treats you is awful, he’s very manipulative OP.

Batsratscatsgnats · 16/10/2026 06:32

Muffsies · 15/10/2026 22:03

He's been flirty to the point your friends have felt uncomfortable and ended up telling you.

He's been flirty and the woman responded and they almost ended up meeting (how did that get found out btw?)

And now he's called a woman and is being weirdly defensive about it.

I have to say that it doesn't look great. He also has no right accusing you of having "insecurities" when you merely asked a completely neutral question, and he has clearly shown cause for completely justified suspicion in the past.

Yanbu, he needs to apologise and prove he's done nothing wrong.

Edited

How can uou prove you've done nothing wrong?

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