Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH flipped at me and said I was accusing him of cheating… I wasn’t! Was I unreasonable to ask?

212 replies

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 21:46

DH has always been very friendly and gregarious. This has led to problems in the past where female friends have messaged me telling me he was being flirty. I don’t mind flirting to be honest, it’s part of his personality.

2 years ago he was back in contact with an old friend. Messages were overly friendly and there was talks of meet ups. They never did. It caused issues in our marriage and he acknowledged he had taken it too far.

Tonight we were driving to the cinema. He told me to use hands free on his phone to call the couple (the male) we were meeting up with. Clicked on it, and a woman’s name I vaguely recognised was in recent contacts. I said, word for word, “oh did you manage to request a change of supervisor to woman’s name?”. He said he’d called her because she had some “gossip” about work. He briefly told me about this gossip. He was quiet after this and just cagey. He said the phone call was only 30 minutes. I said ok. After the cinema he said to me “do you think I’m cheating?”. I said no, I was asking about a phone call, I wasn’t accusing you, I thought it was related to work and just asked. He got annoyed asking if my insecurities were playing up. I said I wasn’t vaguely interested in why he called her, he works with her. He then said “so you think she wants me then? Is that it?”

what in the world just happened?! Am I being unreasonable asking about the phone call, or is his response very odd?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 16/10/2026 12:37

Do you question him about the time he's taken when out of the house, or why he suddenly wants to go out? Do you want to go everywhere with him? Could he go away with a genuine mate for a few days? In other words, do you stifle him in anyway?
If not, then he's got a guilty conscience.

U53rName · 16/10/2026 12:43

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 12:15

Basically after the messages to the “old friend” he completely fell to pieces. Said he was extremely upset that he’d ruined my trust, that it would take years to rebuild, that it meant nothing. He said quite clearly that he would not have any female friends, there was no need for them. I’m not stupid and understand colleagues can be friends.

He may feel like the question was getting at something. Maybe it unconsciously was. He’s doubled down and been quite vile this morning

  • telling me to sort my head out
  • asking if he needs permission to speak to women in the future
  • telling me that I’m jealous of a work phone call
  • telling me he can’t believe I’m letting this come between us
  • telling me he will quit work and solely work with men
  • telling me “see you fucking later, fuck this”

DARVO

JHound · 16/10/2026 12:43

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 21:46

DH has always been very friendly and gregarious. This has led to problems in the past where female friends have messaged me telling me he was being flirty. I don’t mind flirting to be honest, it’s part of his personality.

2 years ago he was back in contact with an old friend. Messages were overly friendly and there was talks of meet ups. They never did. It caused issues in our marriage and he acknowledged he had taken it too far.

Tonight we were driving to the cinema. He told me to use hands free on his phone to call the couple (the male) we were meeting up with. Clicked on it, and a woman’s name I vaguely recognised was in recent contacts. I said, word for word, “oh did you manage to request a change of supervisor to woman’s name?”. He said he’d called her because she had some “gossip” about work. He briefly told me about this gossip. He was quiet after this and just cagey. He said the phone call was only 30 minutes. I said ok. After the cinema he said to me “do you think I’m cheating?”. I said no, I was asking about a phone call, I wasn’t accusing you, I thought it was related to work and just asked. He got annoyed asking if my insecurities were playing up. I said I wasn’t vaguely interested in why he called her, he works with her. He then said “so you think she wants me then? Is that it?”

what in the world just happened?! Am I being unreasonable asking about the phone call, or is his response very odd?

His response makes me think he is cheating.

squarecrow · 16/10/2026 13:00

U53rName · 16/10/2026 12:43

DARVO

This. His reaction is so wildly disproportionate. I think you do know that already really, OP.

outerspacepotato · 16/10/2026 13:05

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 12:15

Basically after the messages to the “old friend” he completely fell to pieces. Said he was extremely upset that he’d ruined my trust, that it would take years to rebuild, that it meant nothing. He said quite clearly that he would not have any female friends, there was no need for them. I’m not stupid and understand colleagues can be friends.

He may feel like the question was getting at something. Maybe it unconsciously was. He’s doubled down and been quite vile this morning

  • telling me to sort my head out
  • asking if he needs permission to speak to women in the future
  • telling me that I’m jealous of a work phone call
  • telling me he can’t believe I’m letting this come between us
  • telling me he will quit work and solely work with men
  • telling me “see you fucking later, fuck this”

Well, that's some really aggressive and overreactive DARVO. He's threatening to quit his job because you asked a qiestion?

I think he's cheating and has been for some time. You've had multiple phone calls from friends about his behaviour. He must have crossed serious boundaries for your friends to be informing you. He sounds like a predatory cheater, he's actively looking for people to cheat with.

He tried reconnecting with an old flame but got caught.

He's already lied to you about this coworker. Why would you believe someone who's lied to you multiple times?

He's trying to bully you but you're losing trust because this isn't the first time he's been trying to connect with other women.

I'd say it's time to get your ducks lined up and see a lawyer to get information on what a divorce would look like for you.

AlwaysExtraHot · 16/10/2026 13:06

Christ. He’s either cheating or he just really doesn’t like women. Or both. I cannot imagine my DP saying anything like ‘see you fucking later’ to me.

JMSA · 16/10/2026 13:09

Classic adulterer behaviour where he turns things on you (in order to justify his behaviour).
Sorry OP, but regardless, he sounds like a creep.

PandorasMailbox · 16/10/2026 13:12

It didn't take long for the old DARVO to raise its ugly head, did it?

It looks to me as if he's taken your trust as consent, hence the flirting, etc., and he's shocked that you've finally called him out on it. His ridiculous response only proves it.

FaceIt · 16/10/2026 13:16

Looks like you’ve touched a nerve.

I’ve never in all my years, experienced a friend getting in touch because a partner has been overly flirtatious.

Glidinglikeaswan · 16/10/2026 13:21

Your friends have found his flirty behaviour concerning enough to tell you. For every woman who has told you, how many haven't told you?

WhatNextImScared · 16/10/2026 13:25

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 12:15

Basically after the messages to the “old friend” he completely fell to pieces. Said he was extremely upset that he’d ruined my trust, that it would take years to rebuild, that it meant nothing. He said quite clearly that he would not have any female friends, there was no need for them. I’m not stupid and understand colleagues can be friends.

He may feel like the question was getting at something. Maybe it unconsciously was. He’s doubled down and been quite vile this morning

  • telling me to sort my head out
  • asking if he needs permission to speak to women in the future
  • telling me that I’m jealous of a work phone call
  • telling me he can’t believe I’m letting this come between us
  • telling me he will quit work and solely work with men
  • telling me “see you fucking later, fuck this”

Textbook DARVO.

I know everyone on Mumsnet talks about getting “ducks in a row” but I would get your hands on every bit of financial information now and have a private meeting with a divorce lawyer before you decide what to do next.

Do you have young kids?

Goaliestar · 16/10/2026 13:32

So he's an abusive, nasty, gaslighting, dishonest creep, who is likely cheating.

Women don't text friends over a bit of flirting.
I bet he was a lot more than that.

Have you children with this loser?
If not, I'd be finished.

The way he speaks to you its clear he is a bullying prick whom hasn't an ounce of respect for you.

Terrribletwos · 16/10/2026 13:33

I am concerned about the many women who have contacted you about his "flirty" behaviour. Have you drilled down and asked the women what they actually meant or have you been too scared? Did you stick your head in the sand or did you ask for details? I know, that would be difficult to do at the time and you may have glossed over it and I have been guilty of this.

Also, his defensiveness about you asking a generic question over a phone call is very worrying. And, his highly emotive attitude this morning about leaving his job? Were you grilling him today or did he just come out with that tirade?

unicornsandstardust · 16/10/2026 13:34

WitchesCatWhisker · 15/10/2026 21:54

The thing that jumps out to me OP is that women, plural, have contacted you to say he’s been flirty? What is that all about?

This! It's so bad that friends feel they need to mention it? I'd say they're minimising, honestly, and it's going beyond flirting and into the zone of making a play for people. Or these friends are witnessing the closeness that only comes from two people being romantically involved but they've no real evidence, so tell you he's been flirting because that's all they actually saw. And I'd guess he absolutely is cheating based on his reaction to your innocent question and his DARVO tactics of trying to put you down saying you've got insecurities, pick a fight with you about that and gaslight you into doubting yourself. Ducks in a row time, you're about to find out he's a serial cheater I reckon.

interestedandsol · 16/10/2026 13:47

Guilty conscience on his side methinks

Tillow4ever · 16/10/2026 13:55

Boreded · 16/10/2026 12:16

He has cheated. No innocent person reacts this way.

This. Such a blatant attempt to distract you from what he’s been doing and putting the blame on you. Trying to confuse you. To make you feel like you’ve done something wrong. It’s a manipulation tactic used by cheaters and also abusers.

I think you have posted because your eyes are opening and you are wanting others to confirm what you are seeing.

Wildywondrous · 16/10/2026 14:07

I think your biggest problem is that you don't trust him, even if this latest thing blows over will you ever be satisfied that he's not cheated?

I don't blame you for the lack of trust, I'd have been gone the first time a friend felt she had to text me to say my husband had crossed a line, you enable him by saying its ok and just his personality.
Nobody has the right to sexually harass someone.

You need to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this man.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 16/10/2026 14:39

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 12:15

Basically after the messages to the “old friend” he completely fell to pieces. Said he was extremely upset that he’d ruined my trust, that it would take years to rebuild, that it meant nothing. He said quite clearly that he would not have any female friends, there was no need for them. I’m not stupid and understand colleagues can be friends.

He may feel like the question was getting at something. Maybe it unconsciously was. He’s doubled down and been quite vile this morning

  • telling me to sort my head out
  • asking if he needs permission to speak to women in the future
  • telling me that I’m jealous of a work phone call
  • telling me he can’t believe I’m letting this come between us
  • telling me he will quit work and solely work with men
  • telling me “see you fucking later, fuck this”

He's cheated.

He wants you to STFU and get back in your box.

Honestly start disengtangling your life from his and think about what a future without him can look like.

malefields · 16/10/2026 15:04

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 12:15

Basically after the messages to the “old friend” he completely fell to pieces. Said he was extremely upset that he’d ruined my trust, that it would take years to rebuild, that it meant nothing. He said quite clearly that he would not have any female friends, there was no need for them. I’m not stupid and understand colleagues can be friends.

He may feel like the question was getting at something. Maybe it unconsciously was. He’s doubled down and been quite vile this morning

  • telling me to sort my head out
  • asking if he needs permission to speak to women in the future
  • telling me that I’m jealous of a work phone call
  • telling me he can’t believe I’m letting this come between us
  • telling me he will quit work and solely work with men
  • telling me “see you fucking later, fuck this”

Yeah……. he’s full of it.

Make sure to go to the work Christmas party this year. You’ll be able to suss it for yourself.

Username1981 · 16/10/2026 15:14

DARVO

Deny
Attack
Reverse
Victim and
Offender

It’s a tactic of an abuser! And he’s employing it!

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 15:58

He’s just messaged me at work saying

I can’t keep being reminded of me damaging trust. I didn’t sleep last night and I can’t keep arguing about the same thing. I had a 30 minute phone call about a work issue, there was no laughs, nothing. That’s it. And I can’t keep defending myself because it’s breaking my heart.

he doesn’t work with this woman! She’s on an entirely different team. I can’t keep listening to his justifications for something I didn’t even raise an issue with

OP posts:
U53rName · 16/10/2026 16:04

Ignore. Grey rock his message and don’t engage. You cannot argue with someone in full-blown DARVO mode.

EverybodyLTB · 16/10/2026 16:18

You can’t argue with nonsense bullshit, which is the point of a well designed DARVO. They do this so that you are so drained by trying to get your point across that you give up, and can barely remember what started it as they create so much drama around nothing. The whole friends flirting thing, hmmm, I don’t trust him at all and he’s sounding more and more unpleasant. Imagine having to let someone know about this man, how tormented you’d be having to write to the wife when she’s a friend - he must have behaved terribly for multiple women to be texting you about him. Please tell us how to help you get your ducks in a row, OP. Do you have kids, what’s the setup?

Anyahyacinth · 16/10/2026 16:22

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 12:15

Basically after the messages to the “old friend” he completely fell to pieces. Said he was extremely upset that he’d ruined my trust, that it would take years to rebuild, that it meant nothing. He said quite clearly that he would not have any female friends, there was no need for them. I’m not stupid and understand colleagues can be friends.

He may feel like the question was getting at something. Maybe it unconsciously was. He’s doubled down and been quite vile this morning

  • telling me to sort my head out
  • asking if he needs permission to speak to women in the future
  • telling me that I’m jealous of a work phone call
  • telling me he can’t believe I’m letting this come between us
  • telling me he will quit work and solely work with men
  • telling me “see you fucking later, fuck this”

So basically he thinks he'll bully you into silence with a huge overreaction to an innocent question. X marks the spot OP

SamphiretheTervosaur · 16/10/2026 16:26

He has gone into defence mode

It won't matter what you say or how much you try to explain. He cannot hear you, he can only gear accusations for something he may or may not have done

Only you know whether this is a last straw for you. Be kind to yourself. You didn't cause it, he did with his actions and words

Swipe left for the next trending thread