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AIBU?

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DH flipped at me and said I was accusing him of cheating… I wasn’t! Was I unreasonable to ask?

212 replies

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 21:46

DH has always been very friendly and gregarious. This has led to problems in the past where female friends have messaged me telling me he was being flirty. I don’t mind flirting to be honest, it’s part of his personality.

2 years ago he was back in contact with an old friend. Messages were overly friendly and there was talks of meet ups. They never did. It caused issues in our marriage and he acknowledged he had taken it too far.

Tonight we were driving to the cinema. He told me to use hands free on his phone to call the couple (the male) we were meeting up with. Clicked on it, and a woman’s name I vaguely recognised was in recent contacts. I said, word for word, “oh did you manage to request a change of supervisor to woman’s name?”. He said he’d called her because she had some “gossip” about work. He briefly told me about this gossip. He was quiet after this and just cagey. He said the phone call was only 30 minutes. I said ok. After the cinema he said to me “do you think I’m cheating?”. I said no, I was asking about a phone call, I wasn’t accusing you, I thought it was related to work and just asked. He got annoyed asking if my insecurities were playing up. I said I wasn’t vaguely interested in why he called her, he works with her. He then said “so you think she wants me then? Is that it?”

what in the world just happened?! Am I being unreasonable asking about the phone call, or is his response very odd?

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 16/10/2026 08:09

OP first of all can o ask a clarifying question? You said friends have messaged to say he was being flirty - did they mean with them or they were observing him being “flirty” with others? I read it as the latter and if so, I imagine it was actually a lot worse but they chose to go with flirty so you didn’t shoot the messenger and looked into it yourself.

Anyway - your husband is clearly feeling guilty. I also think he is cheating or has cheated in the past. I also think you suspect something too but found a way to ask “who is this woman” in a way that you thought didn’t sound accusatory. He’s trained you not to challenge him, to tiptoe around him. Because it’s perfectly ok to ask who a woman is that you don’t recognise the name of but he had a 30 min call with outside of work hours! He obviously has her saved in his phone or her name wouldn’t come up,

How long have you been married and do you have children? Look back over your relationship - are there other instances that don’t quite sit right?

alwayslemons · 16/10/2026 08:13

Sunbringer · 15/10/2026 22:07

I’d say he’s cheated on you multiple times over the years and trained you into thinking you have to be cool about him flirting with your friends.

This right here.

It sounds to me like you've been very naive. You think you're being the cool girl by never being jealous (not like those other uptight wives who have a problem when their friends contact them to say their husband has been behaving inappropriately)

He's jumped on the defensive at a very innocent question and made a big thing out of it. Which means he has something to hide. If he's done it once, he's done it before.

namechange864 · 16/10/2026 08:16

When I think how hard it would be to message and friend and tell her that her husband was being inappropriately flirty…that’s a bloody hard conversation to have and some serious boundaries would have had to be crossed for me to feel like it was the only option. Multiple friends? Yikes. People care about you and are trying to tell you something and you’re not listening. Maybe you should have a good chat with one of these friends and ask them for the unfiltered version of what they meant? Might clarify some things for you.

SevenYellowHammers · 16/10/2026 08:17

I try not to use the parlances of the time but this does sound like gaslighting. It all adds up to something.

If he hasn’t been having an affair he’s an annoying sleaze for flirting with your friends and the nearly met up dalliance with the old flame.

You should listen to the women that are warning you about him. Keep evidence of what they say.

His reaction about the colleague makes it sound like an affair or at least a major flirtation. As we know, these sleazy men hide in plain sight.

The weird thing is him telling you to use his phone. Is he getting you worried on purpose?

I would say nothing for a while but watch and listen very carefully. I’m never sure exactly what the Mumsnet’s duck advice means exactly but I guess it might mean checking your finances, his activities on accounts you have access to and making sure that DDs and SOs are being paid, checking value of your home and what equity you have, private pension forecasts and any investments.

Good luck!

Walkingthroughautumn · 16/10/2026 08:18

WhatDoRacoonsSay · 15/10/2026 23:28

Di you not think it's grim that he's so, "flirty", that other women have told you,
He's probably making them feel really uncomfortable, that's seriously awful behaviour.

Exactly my thought. He must have properly crossed a lot of red lines.
He sounds grim

Frrrout · 16/10/2026 08:21

I’ve got second hand ick for you, OP. 🤢
And actually, he’s sleazy now - you can say ‘flirty’ but if your friends have complained that’s just sleazy - but in a few short years that will just tip over to ‘dirty old man’ territory. Also, he’s a gaslighter. The nerve of the prick, telling you it’s your insecurities.
Life’s too short to live with a shit for brains like this.

EdithBond · 16/10/2026 08:25

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 23:54

What’s stuck out to me, after this conversation, I did some snooping… he told me in passing a few months ago this lady was in her 40s. I’ve just seen she’s 26? We’re 30s. Why the lie?

Oh dear! And this:

asking if my insecurities were playing up

How disrespectful and patronising! Boundaries are NOT insecurities. Of course, he can flirt and chat to (and cheat with) whoever he likes. He can lie to you. No one can stop him.

But you don’t have to be with him if you find it disrespectful or untrustworthy. That’s what he needs to know. You’re with him through choice, not obligation.

Bogstandardname · 16/10/2026 08:27

Why are some men so grim. Trust is everything in any relationship and I would not trust my husband if someone had the need to tell me he had been flirting with other women.

Girlking · 16/10/2026 08:33

Piglet89 · 15/10/2026 22:52

No; he’s hoping one of the many women he’s flirting with is gonna coco pop his crunchy nuts.

I’d say he’s hoping for Lucky 🍀 Charms ☘️

Mistachio · 16/10/2026 08:36

glendabrownlow · 15/10/2026 21:57

I think you need to have a good hard think about your DH, OP. As PP have said, he seems guilty of something, to me. And what's with all this flirting and women having to contact you about him? Are you sure that you're not wearing blinkers over his behaviour? Start to make plans, because the reality of who and what he is might start to sink in.

This. I think you’re being rather naive.

Phoenixfire1988 · 16/10/2026 08:40

Hes gaslighting you ! Your friends have messaged about his flirting which indicates it makes them uncomfortable, you asked a question and he went overboard that tells me hes guilty if not of cheating hes definitely considering it .

Cherrysoup · 16/10/2026 08:46

Your ‘insecurities are playing up’?! Classic gaslighting. The lie re her age is extremely telling.

RunningJo · 16/10/2026 08:47

The fact your friends have messaged you says a lot. It’s not an easy message to send, it could blow up your friendship and marriage but they did it anyway because they thought you should know.

Your husband can be friendly without making people feel he’s being inappropriate.

He totally over reacted to your conversation and if you weren’t suspicious then, I would be now.

Tryagain26 · 16/10/2026 08:52

If everything is as you say and there is no more to it it sounds as though he is protesting too much.
It's an odd reaction either he is feeling guilty about something or he sees you as more controlling than you think you are.
I think you need a conversation with him to understand why he reacted as he did
Having read your updates and seen your comment about your friends texting you about his flirting I'd say it's more likely that he has something to be guilty about. He doesn't sound like a particularly nice person.

Thundertoast · 16/10/2026 08:54

Im really sorry, but if my partner accused me of cheating (im not) I would be horrified and sad and would be doing everything I could to try and reassure them...not getting defensive and blaming them....

Summeriscumin · 16/10/2026 08:58

Plan your exit strategy.

Bringflowersofthefairest · 16/10/2026 08:59

I wouldn’t trust him one bit.
What happened with the flirting with your friends incidents?
How did he explain that when you asked him.
He sounds like a wannabe Lothario and not a nice husband at all.

WhatterySquash · 16/10/2026 09:05

Cherrysoup · 16/10/2026 08:46

Your ‘insecurities are playing up’?! Classic gaslighting. The lie re her age is extremely telling.

Yes that jumped out at me too. “Your insecurities” actually means your reasonable upset when he took it too far last time by his own admission. Now he’s trying to pretend there’s something wrong with you for asking a totally normal question. It does sound like he has something to hide whether it’s just further inappropriate flirting or something more. I’d also pull him right up on the gaslighting.

LowlandLucky · 16/10/2026 09:07

There isn't a hole deep enough for your husband to bury all of his lies.

Goaliestar · 16/10/2026 09:10

Yanbu.
Your husband is a sleazy creep.
Your friends have warned you.

He also tries to gaslight you that you are insecure.

He sounds awful. A real creep.

EverybodyLTB · 16/10/2026 09:11

Friends have had to send you ‘I thought you should know’ texts? About your husband? And he gaslights you and does all this shit? Wow, keep telling yourself his disrespect and downright creepy behaviour is just his personality and it’s normal. He sounds like a textbook womaniser, who treats his actual wife like an annoyance.

Do you still speak to the friends he overstepped with? Imagine how incredibly uncomfortable he made them! Horrible.

PensionMention · 16/10/2026 09:12

Multiple women have told you the same thing. If even one friend had told me this I would be horrified.

Multiple friends have said of my DH great bloke but would do their heads in because he moves about so slowly and takes too long to get things done. I just agree with them.

squarecrow · 16/10/2026 09:17

iveryseldomfollowit · 15/10/2026 23:57

Because he’s young enough to think 40+ is unattractive. Trying to put you off the scent or legitimately doesn’t want you to get jealous over nothing. Which one is it OP?

Edited

Well yes, but then a friend of mine recently had her DH leave her for an older woman (they 30s, OW 40s), so it doesn’t mean anything even if she was older. But yes, lying means he’s trying to make her sound less of a threat and he personally sees 40+ as sounding like less of a threat.

squarecrow · 16/10/2026 09:18

Also OP, sorry but women don’t text other women just because of flirting. I think he must have said something “over the line” for these women to message you and they have tried to be polite by saying “flirty”.

CheeryOP · 16/10/2026 09:19

His overreaction is suspicious.

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