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DH flipped at me and said I was accusing him of cheating… I wasn’t! Was I unreasonable to ask?

212 replies

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 21:46

DH has always been very friendly and gregarious. This has led to problems in the past where female friends have messaged me telling me he was being flirty. I don’t mind flirting to be honest, it’s part of his personality.

2 years ago he was back in contact with an old friend. Messages were overly friendly and there was talks of meet ups. They never did. It caused issues in our marriage and he acknowledged he had taken it too far.

Tonight we were driving to the cinema. He told me to use hands free on his phone to call the couple (the male) we were meeting up with. Clicked on it, and a woman’s name I vaguely recognised was in recent contacts. I said, word for word, “oh did you manage to request a change of supervisor to woman’s name?”. He said he’d called her because she had some “gossip” about work. He briefly told me about this gossip. He was quiet after this and just cagey. He said the phone call was only 30 minutes. I said ok. After the cinema he said to me “do you think I’m cheating?”. I said no, I was asking about a phone call, I wasn’t accusing you, I thought it was related to work and just asked. He got annoyed asking if my insecurities were playing up. I said I wasn’t vaguely interested in why he called her, he works with her. He then said “so you think she wants me then? Is that it?”

what in the world just happened?! Am I being unreasonable asking about the phone call, or is his response very odd?

OP posts:
MyWildOliveGoose · 16/10/2026 20:18

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 20:14

Everything is getting so much weirder. Came home to him sobbing, I asked what was up. He said I see him as a bad guy, and I think this colleague is “trying to get into his pants”. I said I didn’t. He said he doesn’t know what her intentions are and he doesn’t care. He wouldn’t care if I had a phone call with a male friend.

he said he’s on eggshells. This woman asked him to go for some food whilst discussing a possible new position in a rival company she’s starting. He said he didn’t see a problem with this and said I would have so he said no.

He said if I was bothered about your contact with a man, I’d call him and ask what your phone call was about, why don’t you do that? I said because that’s crazy behaviour. He said exactly he’d never do that because he trusts me?

he said you never understand me, it’s always your feelings. I am never understood.

I’ve not mentioned to him that I’ve noticed he’s taking multiple showers a day (a guy who previously had the hygiene of a teenager), has started cutting his nails every 3 days, has come home smelling of floral scents.

he said he’s quitting his job. He can’t deal with these conversations

I know it’s not right but when he shouts I just feel like I’m insecure.

He’s guilty as sin OP. Guilt is literally eating him up!

my ex was like this, I ended up confiding in a male friend about a year after we’d split and explained the weird behaviour and he said.. he was cheating. Sooner or later, I did in fact find out he was cheating, regularly.

Jimmyjumpy · 16/10/2026 20:24

Best form of defence is attack?

Diddlyumptious · 16/10/2026 20:36

..

Twilight7777 · 16/10/2026 20:42

I’d be like well I didn’t before but your overreaction is making me question it now!

Alltheparmesanplease · 16/10/2026 20:43

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 20:14

Everything is getting so much weirder. Came home to him sobbing, I asked what was up. He said I see him as a bad guy, and I think this colleague is “trying to get into his pants”. I said I didn’t. He said he doesn’t know what her intentions are and he doesn’t care. He wouldn’t care if I had a phone call with a male friend.

he said he’s on eggshells. This woman asked him to go for some food whilst discussing a possible new position in a rival company she’s starting. He said he didn’t see a problem with this and said I would have so he said no.

He said if I was bothered about your contact with a man, I’d call him and ask what your phone call was about, why don’t you do that? I said because that’s crazy behaviour. He said exactly he’d never do that because he trusts me?

he said you never understand me, it’s always your feelings. I am never understood.

I’ve not mentioned to him that I’ve noticed he’s taking multiple showers a day (a guy who previously had the hygiene of a teenager), has started cutting his nails every 3 days, has come home smelling of floral scents.

he said he’s quitting his job. He can’t deal with these conversations

I know it’s not right but when he shouts I just feel like I’m insecure.

He's gaslighting you. Manipulative prick.

squarecrow · 16/10/2026 20:43

Not really sure what you’re looking for from this thread anymore OP. Surely you can see straight through this just as we can? So why are you relaying all the nonsense he keeps saying instead of the sense you should be talking to him?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 16/10/2026 21:05

He 👏 cheats 👏 on 👏 you 👏 and 👏 is 👏 having 👏an 👏 affair.

You know this based on the drip feed about showers nails and flowers.

Get a decent therapist and leave him

Hatty65 · 16/10/2026 21:16

squarecrow · 16/10/2026 20:43

Not really sure what you’re looking for from this thread anymore OP. Surely you can see straight through this just as we can? So why are you relaying all the nonsense he keeps saying instead of the sense you should be talking to him?

Absolutely.

This now feels like more of a 'story' that you read online where each post gets more and more ridiculous. If I came home to my DH sobbing like this I'd have said, 'FFS John, how much more ridiculous can you get? Pull yourself together and stop pretending to be the victim. And no, you aren't giving up your job because adults have financial responsibiities like rent and bills, you manipulative twat'.

If this is genuine then you need therapy. Everyone else can see it is bullshit. From one of you at least.

LizandDerekGoals · 16/10/2026 21:17

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 20:14

Everything is getting so much weirder. Came home to him sobbing, I asked what was up. He said I see him as a bad guy, and I think this colleague is “trying to get into his pants”. I said I didn’t. He said he doesn’t know what her intentions are and he doesn’t care. He wouldn’t care if I had a phone call with a male friend.

he said he’s on eggshells. This woman asked him to go for some food whilst discussing a possible new position in a rival company she’s starting. He said he didn’t see a problem with this and said I would have so he said no.

He said if I was bothered about your contact with a man, I’d call him and ask what your phone call was about, why don’t you do that? I said because that’s crazy behaviour. He said exactly he’d never do that because he trusts me?

he said you never understand me, it’s always your feelings. I am never understood.

I’ve not mentioned to him that I’ve noticed he’s taking multiple showers a day (a guy who previously had the hygiene of a teenager), has started cutting his nails every 3 days, has come home smelling of floral scents.

he said he’s quitting his job. He can’t deal with these conversations

I know it’s not right but when he shouts I just feel like I’m insecure.

no he is a cheating arsehole and trying to make you feel guilty for it. Go along with his stupid comments and you wil see he doesnt mean any of it.

RealLemonDreamer · 16/10/2026 21:24

Does DARVO apply here ? Seriously it’s like he’s flipped the script on you ? You asked an innocent question and he’s turned it on its head and somehow he’s now a victim of your suspicion and he can’t live like this and he’s on egg shells blah blah blah he won’t shut up about it it’s almost like he’s trying to prove a point you never asked for ?

unicornsandstardust · 16/10/2026 21:45

So one minute he's sobbing crocodile tears and playing the victim, the next minute he's shouting at you? Emotional abuse OP. You've done nothing wrong.

Of course you're going to feel insecure when he shouts, it's threatening behaviour! Your response is normal. It's your instincts telling you you're not safe.

You might be best off lying so this doesn't escalate, reassure him you trust him etc. Then "have flu" to explain your quietness and looking sad, some "gynecology issues" that mean you don't want to have sex. And get the hell out of this relationship ASAP.

Horses7 · 16/10/2026 22:27

Oh dear OP I think if you caught him naked in your bed with the 26 year old aka 40+year old you’d still doubt yourself as he’d tell you he was “helping her with her CV and wtf is wrong with you?”
PLEASE, PLEASE WAKE UP AND SMELL THE FLOWERY SCENT HE HAS ALL OVER HIM!!! JEEEEEZ!!

Yorkshirelasss · 16/10/2026 22:34

I just read all your posts and my goodness, he has absolutely done something! Only guilty people go to those sort of lengths. He’s gaslighting you like crazy because he has cheated on you. Maybe it’s not even with that woman, because by the sounds of it he has probably done it multiple times. You deserve more. You’re literally going to end up living the rest of your life with that horrible gut feeling otherwise. He sounds like an absolute muppet!

Zerosleep · 16/10/2026 22:42

I’m sorry OP, it sounds like he is gaslighting you to be honest. It’s something my ex-DH used to do and I used to think it was me being unreasonable. Turns out he was a huge liar and all that time he was trying to destroy my mental health.

DiscourteousDiana · 16/10/2026 22:56

It’s so embarrassing for him because he sounds vexed that you aren’t arsed enough about it, and he’s just dying for you to be jealous and dying to be able to think of himself as this guy who all these women just want and lust after. But the reality is that none of them want him, half of them are so creeped out by him that they alert you about how odd he is, and even his wife isn’t bothered by it all. What a loser he is (sorry OP)

user1492809438 · 16/10/2026 23:21

I don't think you are insecure, I think he is playing you. Call his bluff, tell him you think it's a good idea that he leaves his job and that he should. Sit back and watch him backtrack, blame you etc

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 16/10/2026 23:35

WitchesCatWhisker · 15/10/2026 21:54

The thing that jumps out to me OP is that women, plural, have contacted you to say he’s been flirty? What is that all about?

This speaks volumes.
It would be a very difficult and an uncomfortable move for a friend to approach you about your husband being flirty.
The “flirting” , I suspect, must have been very obvious and over the top for a friend to have that difficult conversation.
Many friends, however close, would shy away from such a difficult conversation.
I dread to think what he was saying and the behaviour he was displaying that the friends felt compelled to share and warn you about.

seriouslygardening · 16/10/2026 23:44

Classic DARVO playbook.

U53rName · 16/10/2026 23:51

He’s trying to destabilise you. Remember: YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, OP.

Endorewitch · 16/10/2026 23:52

Muffsies · 15/10/2026 22:03

He's been flirty to the point your friends have felt uncomfortable and ended up telling you.

He's been flirty and the woman responded and they almost ended up meeting (how did that get found out btw?)

And now he's called a woman and is being weirdly defensive about it.

I have to say that it doesn't look great. He also has no right accusing you of having "insecurities" when you merely asked a completely neutral question, and he has clearly shown cause for completely justified suspicion in the past.

Yanbu, he needs to apologise and prove he's done nothing wrong.

Edited

How can he prove it?He will deny it either way.

Rescuedog12 · 16/10/2026 23:52

Muffsies · 15/10/2026 22:15

My impression isn't a guy who is a cereal cheat, i think it's a guy who wants to 'mess around' but is really bad at it and keeps getting found out and thwarted before he can take it further. Hence the tantrum, he's frustrated! A cereal cheat wouldn't have blown-up at her (if it's not normal for him to act in anger), a practiced cheat doesn't care enough and will generally just style it out and pretend it's nbd.

Serial

Conniebygaslight · 17/10/2026 08:51

DARVO for sure

Bowies · 17/10/2026 09:48

I don’t like the way he gaslights you, regardless if he’s cheating or not.

He makes multiple women uncomfortable, whether he’s trying to cheat with them or not.

Your end of the conversation was perfectly normal I think you put him on a pedestal he doesn’t deserve though.

Error404FucksNotFound · 17/10/2026 09:51

A hit dog will holler, as the saying goes.

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 17/10/2026 09:51

U53rName · 16/10/2026 12:43

DARVO

@PumpkinBumpkinx

This.

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