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DH flipped at me and said I was accusing him of cheating… I wasn’t! Was I unreasonable to ask?

212 replies

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 21:46

DH has always been very friendly and gregarious. This has led to problems in the past where female friends have messaged me telling me he was being flirty. I don’t mind flirting to be honest, it’s part of his personality.

2 years ago he was back in contact with an old friend. Messages were overly friendly and there was talks of meet ups. They never did. It caused issues in our marriage and he acknowledged he had taken it too far.

Tonight we were driving to the cinema. He told me to use hands free on his phone to call the couple (the male) we were meeting up with. Clicked on it, and a woman’s name I vaguely recognised was in recent contacts. I said, word for word, “oh did you manage to request a change of supervisor to woman’s name?”. He said he’d called her because she had some “gossip” about work. He briefly told me about this gossip. He was quiet after this and just cagey. He said the phone call was only 30 minutes. I said ok. After the cinema he said to me “do you think I’m cheating?”. I said no, I was asking about a phone call, I wasn’t accusing you, I thought it was related to work and just asked. He got annoyed asking if my insecurities were playing up. I said I wasn’t vaguely interested in why he called her, he works with her. He then said “so you think she wants me then? Is that it?”

what in the world just happened?! Am I being unreasonable asking about the phone call, or is his response very odd?

OP posts:
Ljzjta · 16/10/2026 06:52

Deflecting his guilt on you. I would feel this was an unusual overreaction and I would worry about that.

Sartre · 16/10/2026 06:56

The reaction is very Crime and Punishment. It’s good he has a guilty conscience at least I guess. He’s definitely cheating and likely has in the past.

Scungled · 16/10/2026 06:57

BoredZelda · 15/10/2026 23:38

Yep. If I’m telling a wife that, it’s not because I like it.

Yes, it’s ’Gary is an embarrassing lech’.

3luckystars · 16/10/2026 07:04

He is constantly sniffing around other women. They have actually told you this. That is disgusting and embarrassing. End of story.

Whoddathoughtit · 16/10/2026 07:04

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 23:54

What’s stuck out to me, after this conversation, I did some snooping… he told me in passing a few months ago this lady was in her 40s. I’ve just seen she’s 26? We’re 30s. Why the lie?

I think tbh OP you know the answers to your questions but you don’t want to see them because it’s too painful.
you absolutely weren’t being unreasonable in what your asked you DH but his response has revealed that you have grounds to be very suspicious.
im not one to think everyone is cheating and LTB but I would bet my house on your DH cheating im afraid and all the flirting with friends, seems like he’s gaslighted you for years
im really sorry

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 16/10/2026 07:05

@PumpkinBumpkinx

I'm a stranger and can tell you your husband is not faithful (either by actually cheating or just really trying hard to cheat)

female friends have messaged me telling me he was being flirty. I don’t mind flirting to be honest, it’s part of his personality

This WAY out the realms of normal.
A woman will ONLY do this if there really cant square the circle and pretended whatever dreepiness was okay.
Multiple women have told you.

He is now lying and creeping about with an attractive young woman from his work....

Then he pulled a DARVO and is accusing you of being unreasonable

I mean if you believe in occams razor.... it doesnt look great...does it?

If your own daughter came to you and told you this what would you say????

TeaCupTinsel · 16/10/2026 07:08

I've worked with teens for over twenty years and I've always said that I never need to 'drill down' with anyone who is being dishonest because they always tell on themselves. A guilty conscience nearly always overspills.

Your husband's overreaction is what would be ringing alarm bells for me. He appears to be 'telling on himself' especially as he has lied about her age too.

Passaggressfedup · 16/10/2026 07:22

I don't think your question was innocent. Would you really have questioned him if the phone call was to a male colleague.

However, his reaction is extremely defensive. Also, the fact he acknowledged he had gone too far with someone else before does show that he does have issues with boundaries so I don't blame you for not trusting him 100%.

PS5Gamer · 16/10/2026 07:24

PumpkinBumpkinx
DH has always been very friendly and gregarious. This has led to problems in the past where female friends have messaged me telling me he was being flirty. I don’t mind flirting to be honest, it’s part of his personality.

He’s a letch, and a creep. Your Friends have warned you, unfortunately you’ve been conditioned by your Husband to ignore their warnings. He sounds like one of those gross men, who think that they are some kind of God among Women.

Horses7 · 16/10/2026 07:27

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 15/10/2026 23:22

My ex accused me of flirting with a guy (to my astonishment) and I later found out he’d been cheating at exactly that time himself. My instinct was that his behaviour about this was weird. I was right. When their own minds are filled with cheating stuff, it leaks.

I really like your last sentence Calm - that sums it up brilliantly!
I feel so sorry for you OP as I can’t imagine being married to a man who behaves like your H - the fact he’s gaslighting you too is appalling.
Your friends complain about him to you - I would be mortified…. does he care so little about you (and them) that he does nothing about his behaviour?
He sounds predatory and it appears he would respond if given the slightest encouragement to cheat…. hope I’m wrong.
You are right to be worried 🚩🚩🚩 🚩

Pinkissmart · 16/10/2026 07:27

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 21:52

Closely followed by comments of “ohhh I’m not allowed to work with women or speak to them”

no? I didn’t say that. I admit a 30 minute after work phone call is not something I’d do. But I don’t have any evidence it was inappropriate

A 30 minute phone call after work IS inappropriate

Pinkissmart · 16/10/2026 07:30

OP
It would have taken a lot of soul searching for your friends to tell you your husband is flirting with them.
Why are you ignoring it?

Under what circumstances would YOU tell a friend that their husband is inappropriate?

Horses7 · 16/10/2026 07:31

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 23:54

What’s stuck out to me, after this conversation, I did some snooping… he told me in passing a few months ago this lady was in her 40s. I’ve just seen she’s 26? We’re 30s. Why the lie?

Yes why the lie???? Really??? Please wake up OP!!!

gravitarse · 16/10/2026 07:33

If they've MESSAGED you to mention it, it's way worse than just his personality

bettyrubble99 · 16/10/2026 07:34

"What i said and what you heard are two different things"
Does he have a complex that when a female is nice to him, it means she wants him? He sounds a perv with a over inflated ego.

MurphysColeslaw · 16/10/2026 07:35

Given how difficult most people would find it to tell a friend that their husband was being ‘flirty’ the fact that several people have said to you is quite concerning.
I imagine it’s gone way past ‘flirting’?

gannett · 16/10/2026 07:40

This has led to problems in the past where female friends have messaged me telling me he was being flirty.

This is the real problem and you're underplaying it a lot.

Women can tell the difference between a gregarious man being borderline-flirty because that's how he is to everyone, and a man who's being creepy and crossong boundaries. Messaging his partner is not something most people do lightly and it's only for the latter.

Your actual conversation is just a bit weird. I can't say I'd find DH's recent phone contacts interesting enough to bring up in conversation but then I don't have that history of problems with him. You didn't say anything that could be implied as an accusation of cheating, that's true, but.... would you have said anything had the contact/colleague been male? So on balance I think he was correct to detect a hint of an accusation - but given his history, it wasn't without reason.

5128gap · 16/10/2026 07:42

I'd say there are two possibilities.
One, his 'flirting' does bother you (as indeed it should if other women are perceiving it as inappropriate towards them and telling you so) and you are perhaps more vigilant than you think, so he assumes you are questioning him.
Two, he is behaving inappropriately with this woman, possibly even cheating, and his question was him trying to work out how far on to him you were. Cheats when questioned will often question back, as they want to know how much you've discovered so as to judge where to pitch their defence.
Either way, a marriage where one party behaves in a way that means there isn't trust is a toxic one. Your friends have spelt out to you how your husband behaves, so you know who he is. He's a man who comes on to other women in a way that makes them uncomfortable. So I'd say that either cheating or a sexual harassment claim have a higher than average risk of featuring at some point.

Sassylovesbooks · 16/10/2026 07:44

To be quite frank you have an awful lot of reasons not to trust your husband! A man that's flirty with others to the point female friends have messaged you, an old friend who he chatted with frequently and nearly arranged to meet and now a 30 minute phone call with a woman from work!

You asked a perfectly reasonable work related question to your husband. There's nothing in your question that suggests you were accusing him of cheating. His defensive response = protesting way too much! Therefore, my senses tell me, that he is indeed trying to cover up something. His response is completely out of proportion to the question asked.

KiwiFall · 16/10/2026 07:46

Yeah his reaction and lying about her age are red flags. Maybe not cheating but I would say probably open to the idea if his groundwork is successful. I would speak to him and keep a close eye on it and prepare in the background in case it does turn into an affair.

Bitsostuff · 16/10/2026 07:48

Do you often accuse him of having affairs? Because, if not, this does seem like he's protesting an awful lot over nothing in particular.

Didimum · 16/10/2026 07:55

Well, that’s a guilty response if ever I heard one.

The past messages aside, why on earth are you explaining his behaviour away as ‘his personality’ when multiple friends have come to you and told you his behaviour makes them uncomfortable? That’s not normal.

WhatNextImScared · 16/10/2026 08:00

He’s cheating. Otherwise why would he have leapt to that conclusion? It doesn’t even make sense in context. Guilty conscience.

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 16/10/2026 08:02

Agree with PPs you are focussing on the wrong thing here.

On more than one occasion he has made your friends feel so uncomfortable in his presence that they have reported/ complained to you about it - presumably in the hope that this would stop it happening to them again.

Did you tell your friends you "didnt mind him flirting"? Does he still do it to them?
I doubt that was the outcome they hoped for.

Ed. to add: He sounds like an utter creep.

OVienna · 16/10/2026 08:03

"Your insecurities playing up" = total wanker. If he's not cheated yet it is because no one has said yes.