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DH flipped at me and said I was accusing him of cheating… I wasn’t! Was I unreasonable to ask?

212 replies

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 21:46

DH has always been very friendly and gregarious. This has led to problems in the past where female friends have messaged me telling me he was being flirty. I don’t mind flirting to be honest, it’s part of his personality.

2 years ago he was back in contact with an old friend. Messages were overly friendly and there was talks of meet ups. They never did. It caused issues in our marriage and he acknowledged he had taken it too far.

Tonight we were driving to the cinema. He told me to use hands free on his phone to call the couple (the male) we were meeting up with. Clicked on it, and a woman’s name I vaguely recognised was in recent contacts. I said, word for word, “oh did you manage to request a change of supervisor to woman’s name?”. He said he’d called her because she had some “gossip” about work. He briefly told me about this gossip. He was quiet after this and just cagey. He said the phone call was only 30 minutes. I said ok. After the cinema he said to me “do you think I’m cheating?”. I said no, I was asking about a phone call, I wasn’t accusing you, I thought it was related to work and just asked. He got annoyed asking if my insecurities were playing up. I said I wasn’t vaguely interested in why he called her, he works with her. He then said “so you think she wants me then? Is that it?”

what in the world just happened?! Am I being unreasonable asking about the phone call, or is his response very odd?

OP posts:
PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 16:41

It’s just fucking horrendous. It’s my birthday tomorrow and I’ll be expected to be happy and just forget about all this. He’s planned a birthday meal woth all my friends and family

OP posts:
EchoParkBrewery · 16/10/2026 16:50

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 16:41

It’s just fucking horrendous. It’s my birthday tomorrow and I’ll be expected to be happy and just forget about all this. He’s planned a birthday meal woth all my friends and family

You honestly don’t have to play along, his most recent text using language like ‘breaking his heart’ is just vile manipulation and as highlighted , classic DARVO setting it up for him to end things because he’s the heartbroken victim of your unhinged behaviour.

They are you friends and family, they will be there for you and you only so tell him not to come.

Seajaye · 16/10/2026 16:51

Yes, his behaviour and overreaction seema to have crossed the line of doubtfulness . Decide what you want to do about the relationship you have with him. For the previous flirtiness reports from women now read ' he tried it on with me, or I saw him trying g it on with X. Are these women reliable normally ?

If I was in your position I would not leave the home. Sit tight. Separate rooms if necessary The partner who leaves is usually in the weaker position. . Before you do anything work out the financial position and take an informed decision, not one in panic mode.
Do not threaten to divorce him over guilty behaviour without either an admission or proof. And if you don't know yet whether you will, or are ready go through with it, or will stay and try and fix the relationship. Is it worth fixing? . Keep your powder dry until you have decided. Take control of your life and any exit strategy first

SamphiretheTervosaur · 16/10/2026 16:52

Has he ruined your birthday, important days before with sulks and anger?

CruelsummerTS · 16/10/2026 16:54

The most obvious answer is that he’s massively overreacting due to a guilty conscience.

Billy47 · 16/10/2026 17:00

His reaction is extreme and manipulative. Its isnt the reaction of an innocent person.

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 17:29

Ponoka7 · 16/10/2026 12:37

Do you question him about the time he's taken when out of the house, or why he suddenly wants to go out? Do you want to go everywhere with him? Could he go away with a genuine mate for a few days? In other words, do you stifle him in anyway?
If not, then he's got a guilty conscience.

None of this. Admittedly after the messages I was hurt and confused at his actions. His response was similar to this - deny (even with evidence), tell me I’m insecure, then sadness, regret and telling me he’s scared I’m going to leave him. He started showering 3 times a day in recent weeks and that triggered my feeling. I feel the same now.

I fully expect more truth to come out eventually it’s just a question of when

OP posts:
squarecrow · 16/10/2026 17:32

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 17:29

None of this. Admittedly after the messages I was hurt and confused at his actions. His response was similar to this - deny (even with evidence), tell me I’m insecure, then sadness, regret and telling me he’s scared I’m going to leave him. He started showering 3 times a day in recent weeks and that triggered my feeling. I feel the same now.

I fully expect more truth to come out eventually it’s just a question of when

Showering 3 times a day… I would book an appointment to see a solicitor, honestly. You don’t trust him, not that you should. He can’t be honest with you. This is not a relationship.

Billy47 · 16/10/2026 17:36

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 17:29

None of this. Admittedly after the messages I was hurt and confused at his actions. His response was similar to this - deny (even with evidence), tell me I’m insecure, then sadness, regret and telling me he’s scared I’m going to leave him. He started showering 3 times a day in recent weeks and that triggered my feeling. I feel the same now.

I fully expect more truth to come out eventually it’s just a question of when

@PumpkinBumpkinx the writing is on the wall. You know exactly what he's doing. He has run this play book before.

outerspacepotato · 16/10/2026 17:47

It's also time for full STI testing. Sorry, but I wouldn't take chances here and your husband is not being honest with you.

Pinadaqx2 · 16/10/2026 17:58

WitchesCatWhisker · 15/10/2026 21:54

The thing that jumps out to me OP is that women, plural, have contacted you to say he’s been flirty? What is that all about?

Agree. You are being gas lighted OP. What on earth is a "flirty personality"? Honestly 🙄.

Even if he admits it what will you do?

Pinadaqx2 · 16/10/2026 17:58

outerspacepotato · 16/10/2026 17:47

It's also time for full STI testing. Sorry, but I wouldn't take chances here and your husband is not being honest with you.

Absolutely agree.

hwolah · 16/10/2026 18:33

He’s 100% cheating

SevenYellowHammers · 16/10/2026 18:44

@PumpkinBumpkinx I’m sorry to hear this! It’s no way to spend Friday night. If he’s not guilty he’s acting bloody weird. I wouldn’t like to be dealing with this shit. People talk about a script on here and he sounds like he’s learning it. I wish I could say something to make you feel better.💐

Littlejellyuk · 16/10/2026 18:45

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 17:29

None of this. Admittedly after the messages I was hurt and confused at his actions. His response was similar to this - deny (even with evidence), tell me I’m insecure, then sadness, regret and telling me he’s scared I’m going to leave him. He started showering 3 times a day in recent weeks and that triggered my feeling. I feel the same now.

I fully expect more truth to come out eventually it’s just a question of when

Do you think he's cheating OP?
Hence the 3 daily showers?
It doesn't sound good any of this.

I would be gathering evidence of finances and seeking advice from a solicitor
🫂
@PumpkinBumpkinx

Bikergran · 16/10/2026 18:46

Methinks the DH doth protest too much......I'd be suspicious after such an extreme reaction.

JSovro · 16/10/2026 18:47

PumpkinBumpkinx · 15/10/2026 21:52

Closely followed by comments of “ohhh I’m not allowed to work with women or speak to them”

no? I didn’t say that. I admit a 30 minute after work phone call is not something I’d do. But I don’t have any evidence it was inappropriate

Weird af. 70% sure something weird is going on

CanOnlyBeMyself · 16/10/2026 18:58

Yeah he’s cheating. Or is in the ‘planning’ stage.

SevenYellowHammers · 16/10/2026 19:03

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 16:41

It’s just fucking horrendous. It’s my birthday tomorrow and I’ll be expected to be happy and just forget about all this. He’s planned a birthday meal woth all my friends and family

I think I’d throw a sickie and tell friends and family that we’d do it another time and then I’d book myself into a spa or something. On other hand, wait and see quality of presents from DH. Might be something you can sell?

BillieWiper · 16/10/2026 19:03

I'd have burst out laughing and said 'you're the one that just mentioned cheating, not me.' To me that makes him look guilty as fuck.
Or paranoid and rude. Or both.

Eviebeans · 16/10/2026 19:03

I would have a lot to say if my partner asked me if my insecurities were playing up

ThatLilacTiger · 16/10/2026 19:30

I'm just basing this on vibes but it sounds to me like he isn't cheating but his head has been turned by this woman and now he's feeling resentful of you and either consciously or subconsciously lashing out at you to damage the relationship so you'll leave him and he's free to pursue her.

Hatty65 · 16/10/2026 19:40

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 15:58

He’s just messaged me at work saying

I can’t keep being reminded of me damaging trust. I didn’t sleep last night and I can’t keep arguing about the same thing. I had a 30 minute phone call about a work issue, there was no laughs, nothing. That’s it. And I can’t keep defending myself because it’s breaking my heart.

he doesn’t work with this woman! She’s on an entirely different team. I can’t keep listening to his justifications for something I didn’t even raise an issue with

I would text him back to say,* *'It is interesting that your ENTIRE text is all about YOU and your feelings. It's also fairly telling that you have gone absolutely nuclear and been utterly vile to me over an innocuous remark I made to you. Not once did I remind you of your past poor behaviour - but you've made it all about you. I cannot be responsible for managing your emotions or your guilt. This is now no longer about 'past' behaviour. It is about your current way of speaking to me which I'm not prepared to tolerate. I am now re-evaluating our marriage and need to take some time to consider how I move forward'.

I'd text it so that it was in writing and tell him if he raised it that I wasn't prepared to discuss this any longer - that I was taking space to consider whether I still wished to continue with the relationship. And I'd move into the spare room if you have one.

He'd have a lot of crawling to do to convince me to stay after this. I'll be honest - I'm fairly sure he is cheating or thinking about it - but even if he's not I wouldn't stay in a marriage when someone tried to emotionally blackmail me like this.

GalaDinner · 16/10/2026 19:44

I came on here to say his reactions are pure DARVO, and see other posters have beaten me to it.

I agree the fact that several other women have contacted you to warn you about his "flirting" is a massive red flag. You have some very caring friends OP, most people would do anything rather than that. Hear them.

The other thing that bothers me about your post is the way you seem desperate not to call him out, and seem to feel it is somehow unfeminine or needy to do so. My dear, he has stitched you up like a kipper. Start feeling your roar.

He's a sleazy guy who's been massively disrespecting you for years. Get your ducks in a row - financial documents found and copied or stashed somewhere safe outside the house, then tell him his erupting, anger and false indignation simply does not work any more. He's been found out, and the spell is broken. Then get out of there fast and file for divorce.

PumpkinBumpkinx · 16/10/2026 20:14

Everything is getting so much weirder. Came home to him sobbing, I asked what was up. He said I see him as a bad guy, and I think this colleague is “trying to get into his pants”. I said I didn’t. He said he doesn’t know what her intentions are and he doesn’t care. He wouldn’t care if I had a phone call with a male friend.

he said he’s on eggshells. This woman asked him to go for some food whilst discussing a possible new position in a rival company she’s starting. He said he didn’t see a problem with this and said I would have so he said no.

He said if I was bothered about your contact with a man, I’d call him and ask what your phone call was about, why don’t you do that? I said because that’s crazy behaviour. He said exactly he’d never do that because he trusts me?

he said you never understand me, it’s always your feelings. I am never understood.

I’ve not mentioned to him that I’ve noticed he’s taking multiple showers a day (a guy who previously had the hygiene of a teenager), has started cutting his nails every 3 days, has come home smelling of floral scents.

he said he’s quitting his job. He can’t deal with these conversations

I know it’s not right but when he shouts I just feel like I’m insecure.

OP posts:
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