Another inheritance one!

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My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

I would be writing a will very quickly once i had received the money to specify what i'd want done with it in case I passed away. £5 each and the rest left to charity for being such horrid people to me!

So they realise that your mum has been in a care home but still thought that there would be enough for you to pay your debts & mortgage & them to have 40k each?

Are they rather clueless?

Eta-your debts & mortgage are down to you, so they think you shouldn't use your money for that?
But to give to them to use for what-debts & mortgage??

Yes, I thought collusion as soon as you said it.

It isn't even just the money, is it? It's their assuming they're entitled to it and assuming they get to dictate.

It's not often I urge the OP to share a thread with the perpetrator(s), OP, but I hope you'll send them this one. I'm just stunned. What entitled brats!

But now, in quite the drip feed, it transpires you had already told them you would be giving them something.

So now they aren't these "entitled, grabby cheeky fuckers" with that context, are they. You'd told them you're going to share your inheritance with them.

And if that's the phrase you used, and gave no figures otherwise, it's perfectly reasonable to think it's an even share each. So now you've told them the amount is £170k, £40k each to them and £50k to you, is exactly that share, with mum keeping a bit more.

Yes, I can see why they're pissed. They only feel "entitled" because you told them you'd be splitting the inheritance with them.

Not only clear your debts but spend the lot on yourself-they can go to fuck with those expectations.

This - plus if your mum lived until 99, there is a likelihood you may too. You may need that money to cushion you for the next 20 odd years.

I’d be appalled if my DC did this to me - and I’d write my will today to leave everything to my grandchildren. Honestly, they’d get nothing from me now.

Do they know how much you have inherited? Maybe they think there’s a lot more in the pot? Stick to your original plan and say the rest is tied up in paying off the mortgage, pension etc. if they debate it, tell them they won’t get anything!

You shared your kind thoughts and they took that they get the lion’s share of your mum’s estate?
Cheeky ungrateful feckers.
Life for older people is getting more expensive with care etc.
I wouldn’t give them a penny right now. Pay off your debts and put the rest away.
I have been around a similar situation and the person put under pressure said no, you’re getting zilch, and stuck to it.
Stand up for yourself. You’ve just lost your mum for goodness sake. Not sure how old you are, possibly around my age, keep what she left for you.
Be strong and don’t give in.

Oh wow, how entitled! That's awful, OP. I would keep all of the money for myself and tell them that this is how you are managing your money now, and that they need to learn how to manage their money better and make their own way in the world, just like you did (with regard to them telling you that you should have managed your money better).

Should she unexpectedly need care, the LA might look hard.

What’s the rule about only giving gifts/money out of income?

Pay off morgage.
Pay off all remaining debts.
Brand new car (if you drive).
Book a fabulous trip to a destination you've always wanted to go to.
New wardrobe of clothes.
New hobby/activity you've always wanted to try.
Invest some (with professional advice).
If you've anything left, tuck it away for a rainy day.

OP sorry for the loss of your Mum. That’s tough whatever age.

I think the previous (and generous) pledge to help them has come back to bite you and created an expectation. Too late now but good lesson for others not to promise.

£10k these days doesn’t go far. Certainly not enough for a house deposit.

They likely have colluded and seen £ signs. To gang up on you, demand £40k, deride your financial decisions and then punish you for not complying is absolutely appalling.

Only thing I can think is they expected more and thought it would be a life changing moment for them. Are they male or female? Just curious.

How much other debt do you have? Definitely pay off your mortgage. You don’t owe them anything and sadly even doubling your pledge (not saying to) think they would not be grateful for.

Where there’s a will there’s a greedy family. It’s sad people have become so entitled.

Wow, just wow.

My parents just had an inheritance. (or rather will when a house is sold). They have no debts and are extremely wealthy themselves but I woud never dream of expecting anything llike that. I had £2000 from the inheritance (what the deceased put in her will) and I know they will help me and my brother with stuff but any expectation is just grabby.

You have probably spent most of your life scrimping to bring up your kids and give them stuff. So spend this on clearing your debts, topping up your pensionand enjoying life.

Not correct. I never said I would be ‘splitting’ it with them. I said something but no figures were mentioned.

Surely if their grandparent wanted to leave them money they would have do so.

That money will be yours to do so as you wish. Since they are acting so grabby and rude and would give them zero.

There are so many comments online these days - including on Mumsnet - where people argue that parents who inherit are morally obligated to pass the inheritance to their children straight away...I wonder whether this is what has informed the children's thinking.

Some years back, my husband's ex's partner died. DH's son-in-law had a few drinks and then began to complain bitterly to me that the partner hadn't left anything to the the son-in-law's child: 'He left it all to [ex] and he should have left something to [child] because they called him "Grandad".'

It so happens that the partner was very generous to her children in handing over the unexpected inheritance - she and the partner didn't live together full-time - but I did wonder at the temerity of the SIL being so entitled.

When my grandparents passed I was an adult and I never expected to receive a penny, and would never have dreamed of even asking my parents!! As far as I'm concerned it was their long awaited inheritance, and one day I'll be in that same boat; not that I expect to necessarily receive anything.
Your children do not sound like adults at all.

The inheritance is income.

Stockingsbythefire, where does the OP say she would share the inheritance EQUALLY...she was thinking 10,000 pounds each, leaving her 140,000 to pay her in mortgage off, then the remaining 100,000 for her pension and own future care.

The kids want her to have 50,000 pounds for mortgage and savings. Greedy, entitled brats!

I would pay off your own debts first.

Put some aside for the DC - perhaps the 10k each you had intended. But only give it to them if they remember their manners and start to treat you with respect and care.

I am fortunate that I still have both of my parents, but DH died last month and our jointly-accumulated funds and property leave me extremely well provided for. DH gifted his brother nearly 40k a few months earlier, and I will give my DD (who is not his) at least 50k towards her first property purchase. It hasn't crossed anyone's mind that they are entitled to anything at all. I am in my 50s and unlike DH who was taken far too soon, I hope to live many more years in style and comfort. DD can have what's left when the time comes and whatever I choose to give her in the meantime.

Where on earth do you get that OP told them she was splitting it with them? It seems she said she would give them something, which is completely different to splitting and indeed sharing (as in ‘I’ll share some with you’ also does not mean equal splitting!).

So, yes, they are entitled, cheeky, grabby CF’ers.

I wouldn't give them anything at all. And I'd leave everything to a charity in my Will. How greedy and grabby of them. Can guarantee they wouldn't be there to support you in older age if you needed it.

Tell them to make their own financial decisions without expecting handouts. You must absolutely prioritise your own debt, your own retirement, and your own life. I wouldn’t give them anything. Maybe £1k at Christmas.

It isn't deprivation of assets for care assesments if at the time of giving the money away the OP is fit, healthy and has no reason to believe she will need care in the near future.

It would, however be counted for inheritance tax (if her estate is large enough).