Another inheritance one!

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My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

Maybe I’m just in a pissed off mood this morning but WTAF is up with so many women on MN today being so weak. You must know when typing this that it’s batshit. Or do you really think they are deserving of the funds. To be harsh (again, just sick of so many posts like this) you’ve brought them up and indulged them and helped to create this but you absolutely have the power to say no and change it. To be blunt, get a grip.

Cheeky grabby buggers. Keep all the inheritance and when you pass, everything will then go to them.

I would give the one who is still speaking to you their 10K plus the 20K that the others would have got if they had not been so entitled and greedy. YANBU at all!

OP, condolences on the death of your DM.
It makes no difference if your DM left millions: it’s left to you to dispose of as you see fit. I’d point out to my (grabby) DC that you waited for your inheritance, and that you’ll secure your own finances before giving them handouts. The cheek of it - and to tell you as well that “you should have managed your money better” - tell them, yes you should have done, so you’re taking their advice and sadly it means you win’t be giving them anything for now. As for two of them refusing to speak to you, I’d tell them in no uncertain terms that you’re not buying their filial loyalty and if they choose not to give it, that’s entirely up to them. I’m shocked, OP, and I feel for you - but do not allow yourself to be blackmailed by your DC.

Presumably you are at least 60 going from your kids and mother’s ages? Do they have a point about you being financially irresponsible? If so this is your chance to get your house in order, pay off debts and look to your retirement. You obviously have good genes if your mum got to 99 so you’ll possibly be heading to a long expensive retirement so you need to plan…I say this as someone with a MIL who if you handed her 170k, it’d be gone by Christmas with not a thing to show for it, so I do know how frustrating it is watching someone make poor financial decisions, but ultimately it would be hers (and yours) to do as you wish with - even if thats spending it all on gin and Bon Bon’s.
Definitely get rid of your own debts first before you contemplate what to do with the rest.

I agree. Nasty, greedy and grabbing.

It's YOUR inheritance. Not theirs.

I'd also tell them that if their attitudes don't change there won't be any inheritance from you to them either.

No one is owed anything in a will or from an inheritance. If it happens, it's very helpful. But it's never an expectation.

She was a single mum with 3 kids. She owns her home. I’d say she didn’t do badly.

And there we have it. They assumed.

My grandparents talked about how they were going to give us our inheritance. I didn't get a penny. I don't blame my grandparents.

That's why it is so important to make a will and a Lasting Power of Attorney these days as you are getting older. In my own experience generally, the usual practice was for parents to divide their assets equally between all their children on the assumption that they in turn would do the same for their own children . However, things have changed today with credit cards, car finance, massive mortgages and house deposits, lack of social housing so expensive private rentals, costs of getting married, student loans to be repaid, expensive nursery and childcare fees, the addiction to foreign holidays, uber eats and takeaways, plus £4 morning coffees plus the job market being so unpredictable and interest on savings being so low and taxable, so it's unlikely our grandchildren will receive much from their own parents so it is worth taking this into consideration when making our wills and possibly including them. Though I agree with OP, NO ONE should feel entitled to a percentage of someone elses inheritance and should not be bullying or trying to make others feel guilty on what they choose to spend their money on.

To be honest OP, this sounds like a dysfunctional relationship about money just moving onto a new tangent.
they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.
It would appear your children (I’m guessing boys, might be unfair) have grown quite accustomed to your income supporting them and you have pandered to that expectation - including offering up money from your inheritance in advance.
I’d give them the £10k you had planned, tell them you are incredibly disappointed in how they have behaved and state as a result you never want to discuss money with them again - and do so. No more money ever before you die, no more making them aware of your financial decisions they can then pick apart. They may well choose not to speak to you as a result of not getting ‘their’ £40k. Unfortunately that is the outcome years of dysfunctional behaviour has produced and there is not much I think you can do about it. At least you will have money to support yourself in retirement and pay for the care you need.

Clearly they hadn’t factored in care costs and had been busily sat mentally spending what they thought would be a significant amount of cash -my husband and his brother received zilch when their mum died in her mid 60s, my father in law who is lovely just rolled the lot into his assets -no idea if there was will, we’ve never asked - inheritance can be a very welcome gift , often when you are at a point when it can help make your life easier, it certainly isn’t a right !! Their attitude totally stinks - I would in all honesty not give them a penny and would see if they come round too before putting them in your will - love shouldn’t be conditional on being handed free cash

Don't give them a bean. That is disgusting. You must be so disappointed, OP, and I am really sorry.

Clear your debts. Not a penny to anyone threatening to cut you off.
Cancer Research, Dog Homes, Homeless Charity are all good options to leave your money to.

Thank you this is so touching x

I have no words. When my mum inherited from her mother, she didn't give my sister or me anything, and we were okay with it because it was her money.

In your position, I think I'd decrease my financial gift to £0 or maybe a token £1k each, and would be VERY clear it was because of their unforgiveable attitudes.

OP I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this and at such a sad time.

Your children are behaving absolutely appallingly, you must be so disappointed at their behaviour and entitlement.

If I were you I'd write to them explaining why you won't be going along with their plans for YOUR inheritance and advising them that their behaviour has made you change your mind about gifting them anything at all, as bullying and coercion should never be rewarded. And make no mistake they are bullying you into compliance. I'd also be rewriting my will and leaving my estate to charity.

I realise that this will result in a huge backlash from them, but if 2 are already not speaking to you, then it can't get much worse anyway. I also wouldn't be happy knowing the only way to keep my DC in my life was to effectively dole out whatever cash they requested.

It is disgraceful after all you have done for your kids that they are treating you like this.

Don’t do it, sort yourself out how ridiculous. 2 of them have shown their true colours! I’m sorry

tell them they can have nothing then. They can wait to inherit from you.

Okay...this is a more balanced approach then my suggestion. But do keep the money for your future.

That reads like you're another parent who puts everyone else before themselves which can unfortunately lead to being taken advantage of and exploited.

Unfortunately informing them they'll get some of your inheritance now has contributed to this situation.

An adult child no longer speaking to you because they've already spent their £40K from their grandparent seems like the silent treatment in coercive control and domestic abuse situations. I don't think that's in anyway acceptable. It's basically emotional blackmail. How will they be when you're in the 80s and 90s?

In the situation that this scenario reminds me off an adult spouse of an adult child who had their eyes on their widowed parents house decades before their parents death is unlikely to receive any inheritance from their own parent.

Bottom line, it's all about money and it's deeply depressing.

Sorry your children are behaving as they are.

I would be so hurt OP.

I'm sorry you lost your mum.

I'm their age, but wouldn't dream of assuming I would inherit from grandparents.

FWIW I had a childfree great aunt die and divvy up her estate equally between all surviving nieces, nephews and great nieces and great nephews. My mother's nose was quite put out of joint...

This is real why are you cynical?
I could put many further details in but don’t wish to be identified. I think my children colluded together and cooked up that figure.

I could never imagine saying this to my Mum. I can't believe they are emotionally blackmailing you with no contact too.

I would give them zero now OP for the bullying. I think the 10k each was very reasonable considering their ages and the fact you have a mortgage and debts. Also you might need some money yourself for a bit if retirement fund as my own single Mum never managed fo accumulate much of a private pension because she spent most of her prime earning years working part time and looking after us. I never inherited anything from my Grandparents, my parents did as you did and paid off their mortgages. The first time I inherited was 5 figures when my Dad passed away.

Out of curiosity how involved were they with your Mums care and visiting her for them to expect an equal share?

I would tell them I had planned to give them £10k each but now they will be getting nothing.