Another inheritance one!

[Highlightagogo]

My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

No, no, no, this money was left to you, not to them. You are very kindly giving them a decent chunk of cash, they may get more when you die but after this, I would think long and hard about it.

Over the years my mother was left several inheritances and at no point did it occur to me to ask for a share and if she had offered, I would have said, no. Why? Because whoever had gifted her the cash wanted her to have it and enjoy it.

Did it ever occur to them that the reason you are not currently rolling in cash is because it is expensive to bring up three ungrateful children!

Don’t give the greedy little shits anything!!!!

Firstly, so sorry for your loss.

I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest. Its your inheritance to do with what you wish.

I guess my only question is
WHY are they expecting anything in the first place? Maybe they are just massively presumptuous and entitled but im wondering where this expectation of any inheritance has come from?

Had YOU previously said that you would share it with them? Or had your DM indicated this to them, even though it isnt written in the will?

I wonder if it is ultimately a miscommunication? If they think you or DM had previously said that they would be receiving such large chunks and now its come to it, youve changed what had been "informally agreed" I can see why they may be upset. Its still not legally wrong, but that's not the issue.

Wow, if any of my 3 adult children said that to me i’d be disgusted.

StockingsByTheFire

Are you one of the OP's kids? If so, you should be ashamed of yourself.

OP, sorry for your loss. Much more sorry about the attitude of your family. It seems it's time to start taking care of yourself now- you've done so much and are being more than taken for granted. Emotional blackmail would negate any supposed 'rights' for me.

Oh they can get to fuck!

I'd be sending each the same message:

'My original intention was to gift a small sum to you each, but on reflection, as Grandma left the money to me, and I have already spent a significant sum on each of you after you became independent adults, I have changed my mind.

As you have all pointed out my financial planning failures in the past, I will be paying off my debts and investing the rest to provide some security for my later years.'

WiddlinDiddlin, absolutely perfect response!

I'd be giving them nothing. Have they always been like this?
No-one is entitled to an inheritance.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. They have made a lot of assumptions about coming into money soon. A lot of people do.

Personally I think it would be reasonable to say
“I’m sorry <adult children> if you’ve been expecting money from grandma’s estate. A lot was spent on her care towards the end and ensuring she had a nice life and was comfortable. What’s left is split between me and DUncle, and as a single parent over the years I have worked hard but need to use the majority of the money to ensure my future, which is what Grandma wanted. I will be happy to gift you an equal amount of the remaining money at some point when I’ve got my affairs in order and have some remaining to share”

Maybe it was their shitty fathers attitude they’ve taken after not their mothers.

I agree with others that this is disgusting behaviour.

I wouldn't rush to make any decisions on what you will do with the money. Don't be bullied into deciding immediately.

I would be telling them how disgusted you are with their attitude and the way they have spoken to you. And I would tell them you are not making any decisions for now. Let that sink in and let them reflect for a while.

So they think they should have £120k of your total of £170k, leaving you with just £50k, which would be just enough to clear your mortgage and not leave you a huge amount left? How on earth do these monstrously entitled children get through life? Send them this thread with all the replies and then block them all for a month while you grieve and gather your thoughts. Absolutely do not be bounced into making a quick decision, and honestly, after that behavior, I'd not be giving them a penny. And if they're so good at managing money, why do they need the majority of what YOUR mum left you? Sorry for your loss, you don't need this on top.

He you’ve hit the nail on the head here… he always felt he was owed a living and rarely if ever supported me when they were growing up, a feckless man sadly

This.

You're doing them no favours if you pander to this behaviour.

Giving the smaller amount will look like you concede that they do have an entitlement.

I'd be so enraged by this I'd tell them not only would they not be getting a penny of this inheritance, they won't be inheriting anything from me either. Then I'd leave then to fucking sulk forever and find happiness elsewhere.

This 100%

OP, well at least they have exposed to you exactly who they are.

This is appalling and it tells you that it is highly likely that you will not see them for dust if you need them.

Give them a token one thousand to cover what you said, and if they refuse to see you, please do not be bullied.

They are like their father, despite all you have done.

It happens, even in the best of families, a child has all the DNA of an arsehole relative.

You 100% need to protect yourself financially for your future.
I'm so sorry.

There's not enough there for you to give them 40k each though? You will have to split it half with your brother, or is it to sort between yourselves? Surely split 50/50. Pay your mortgage off first, then the next worst things that have interest payable. Then maybe see what's left, and split it 3 ways but you don't have to. Unfortunately, 10k won't go that far depending on where you are in the country, but for me that would have paid the stamp duty and solicitors fees for our first home (no first time buyer discount where I live) and I'd have been grateful. Neither of our parents could help us, so it would have made a difference.

Poor you, i'd be absolutely livid. I'd be tempted to not even give them the £10 after that tbh

Honestly, you are just making things up to try and show OP in a bad light when it's her adult children who are being awful.

'Giving them something' is very different from splitting the inheritance equally between them.

Ahahhaha they can sod right off!! Take care of yourself! They'll have you in a home first chance they get!!

They have definitely discussed this amongst themselves, huh! is the £170k to share between you and your brother, or that figure each? If your children are refusing to speak to you over this, it says more about them than you, and I hope you feel strong enough to stand your ground.

Your kids are entitled cheeky fucks. Pay your mortgage off. Don't give the ungrateful shits anything.

Even if that was the case, which op has cleared up in later replies, is that a reason to not speak to your own mother?

@Highlightagogo the dcs that aren't speaking to you are using emotional blackmail hoping that the fear of losing contact with them will get them what they want.
For this reason alone I would be sadly reconsidering the relationships with them.

I've recently lost my mother and can't imagine my dcs turning on me like this, you have my sympathies.