Another inheritance one!

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My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

£170k inheritance I would clear essential debts like credit card etc. and keep a little back for a holiday and few treats but prioritise deposits to my kids in this economy. You can change three lives here and set them up. And still have £50k to clear mortgage and debts and for treats. If that’s not enough you should of course clear your debts but maybe you are irresponsible with money…

How did they ask you exactly? - you seem outraged they approached you about it at all- they clearly knew you wouldn’t be helping with a significant sum so they’ve asked.

on this site everyone is always like oh it’s yours, spend every penny and don’t worry about your kids…just enjoy the money you got for free from you parents…well I think that is pretty lousy tbh

Hi, I have always said I would give them something though I stressed the need to make myself financially secure first, I think they assumed Grandma would leave a lot more but it was swallowed up in care home fees.

Have they given any explanation as to why they think they are entitled to your money?

This is so off the wall that I feel there is some context we must be missing here.

This is awful, I’m sorry. Was it genuinely all of them or one leading the attack?
I think I’d be reflecting back to them what they have said to you; they’ve mismanaged their finances. I would also seriously be considering changing my will to make someone else / a charity the main beneficiary unless they apologise (and mean it).

What do they say when you point out that they have their careers ahead of them whereas you don’t? And that if granny had wanted them to have 40k she would have left it to them, not you? And how do they consider you should be looked after in your old age when you’ve mentioned that? I think we need a bit more context.

That is pretty horrible if your DCs but I am wondering how they all came to the conclusion the inheritance should be split essentially 4 ways.

Is it possible your DM led them to believe you would be sharing the money that way?

3x £40k = £120k. That would leave £50k for OP out of an £170k inheritance - I assume OP means that is the sum she and her brother will each receive.

To be honest their attitude would result in them not getting a penny. I would clear your mortgage then take yourself off on a fabulous holiday. They are an utter embarrassment and need a kick up the bum.

Jesus Christ, the greedy little shits!

This is shocking. Please make every effort to clear your mortgage & any debts. They can have their money when it's their time to inherit

I think they need to read this post. Unbelievable! I'm so sad for you.

Do they know the amount you are going to inherit? I thought the 10k was fair given their age and your financial situation, but I'd be inclined to give nothing now.
What is the relationship like otherwise up to this point?

Yes, I read it as 170 between the two, not each but realized after I misread it. Still shitty of the kids though!

Hopefully this a wind up and not real.

The entitled grasping of the adult children in this scenario fit with my concerns about the assisted dying bill, and that Zoopla visiting granny in her cottage advert about property valuation feaure. It's not a joke, some adult children have their eyes on their parent's property decades before that parents demise.

Do the children care more about their mother or more about money?

If the scenario is real it seems the adult children haven't appreciated what you've done for them and has led them to become dependent and expectant.

I'd agree with another poster in that it seems the children have teamed up and reminds me of having to bully others or be bullied yourself. It doesn't seem that far removed from group hate.

Give them nothing. Their expectations are outrageous. Pay off your mortgage and enjoy the money. They will inherit when you go. If they stop being such entitled little so and sos.

Ah, that explains it a bit. They had expectations.

My DM's estate will be split between her DGCs. I have not told my DCs they will inherit. Care Home fees are gobbling up the money at a rate of knots. They dont need to know their potential inheritence us dwindling by the day.

This. Wow! I cant believe what ive just read.
It's yours to do as you wish. ❤️
Ungrateful after all youve done for them and clearly worked hard. They dhould manage their finances better. I'd be fuming and wouldnt want to speak to them, but would feel hurt by their entitled behaviour. 😢

Oh my days, who the hell do they think they are?! When my parents' parents died the money obviously went to them and their siblings as an even split. I have lots of cousins on both sides. I didn't expect to receive anything major and was grateful for what was divvied up. I can't remember and not sure I know about how it was all worked out on one side but the other had an equal split to 3 siblings and each sibling had an equal chunk to divide between their children (me, my siblings and cousins).

As my parent has 4 kids, and their siblings have 2 and 3 apiece, this did end up meaning that my cousins ended up with more than me. I haven't got my knickers in a twist about this and I am very grateful for the sum I received (which has been used for essential work on my house so it's been invested into something that makes a difference to my family and I wouldn't have afforded without a big loan otherwise).

When my grandparents died, I didn't even think about inheritence. They all lived fairly stable but modest lives so it's not something I've ever taken into consideration. I was sad because I loved them and I wanted to support my parents as I love them and losing a parent is hard whatever age you are.

I'm so sad for you that your children sound avaricious and not at all empathetic. They've also been pretty bullyish in their approach to you. Do you have a close friend you can talk to about this? I feel like you need some solid support. Sorry for your loss too. x

OP - now you have given some context here it goes some way to explaining but not that it gives them the right to have a go at you and your finances.

I find young people really do not understand how much care home fees are (and adults too - unless you have sight of what the costs you you have NO idea of what they are!).

My Father's estate was quite significant but nearly one half was spend on his care and coupled with the fact that I am one of three it ends up being not as much as people think it was.

Wow this is awful! So greedy and grasping of them. I wouldn’t give them 10p let alone £10k after they pulled that stunt! As for what they think of your financial decisions, I am sure you did your best but even if not it’s your decision not theirs.

My gran died when my sister and I just had babies and I certainly was skint, although I did own (mortgage) not rent, my gran left her estate of £120k ish to my mum, my mum gave us £20k each which I never expected and was delighted with, so greedy of your kids to expect more. My mum and dad were still working and I was delighted they could have something to make their lives a bit easier.

Also one of my friends thought my Father's fees were £8k per year! She claimed I had told her that a while ago. I certainly hadnt. It was £8k per month!

She couldnt believe it was that much and thought I was being ripped off or had got the figures wrong!

Sorry you have lost your parent. Don’t give them anything it is your inheritance.

@Highlightagogowhat horrible entitled children, based upon my understanding of the facts.

Unless their grandmother promised them a set amount and that was validated in her will, they’re entitled to nothing and their attitude stinks.

Sorry you’re having to go through this

When my grandmother died I asked if I could have a ring of hers, because we share a birthstone and she'd always said she would leave it to me. I would never dream of asking for anything else.

I'm sorry for your loss OP and that you have this stress on top of it. Absolutely secure your own retirement and seriously rethink your plans to gift to them.