Another inheritance one!

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My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

If someone told me I would be getting “something” from my grandmother’s will I would expect anything from £1k to £10k, unless my grandmother was extremely wealthy and died before entering a care home…

I'd just spend it and make sure they knew I was.

Tbh it sounds like the only way you’ve possibly been U is being overly generous with them over the years!

Exactly- a few K, not £40k!

Their entitlement is disgusting. My kids would be getting nothing if they demanded money from me and then tried to emotionally manipulate me into giving it to them.

This. And in your shoes OP, I'd be leaving my entire estate to the local donkey sanctuary!

I’m sorry for your loss op 💐

Honestly, they wouldn’t be getting a penny, with that grabby attitude. How dare they?! The fact they expect the money isn’t the issue, because you had told them you’d planned on splitting, and it isn’t even the amount, because ‘splitting’ is vague and they may have got the wrong end of the stick/come to their own conclusions but to approach it the way they did and then threaten to cut contact over it is truly terrible.

Wow. They are so grabby and manipulative.

Id pay off mortgage and debts op. Id be looking at a holiday. Stuff them

That's appalling behaviour on their part.

We have just sold MIL's house and received around £200k. We are planning to spend some of the money on much needed improvements to.oir house, and then to give the DC £50k each for a house deposit. We are in our 60s and have paid off our mortgage so can afford to do that. They haven't once asked if they are going to get anything, and if they did we'd be very taken aback.

I think your original plan is a good one, You need to clear your mortgage and use the money for yourself. £10k is a generous amount and they should be grateful to get anything.

Frankly I'd keep the lot and leave it to charity.

They are greedy and their behavior towards you is awful. Don't give them a penny. You sacrificed to raise them and now you need to look after yourself. Maybe in a few years they'll mature and see how awful they are being right now.

I wouldn't be feeling in a very generous mood towards my kids if they had behaved like that. They certainly wouldn't be seeing the inside of my purse till they learned to behave themselves.
I'm so sorry your kids have turned out like this OP - I doubt they will be around to help out when you are older so make sure you don't give away what you'll need to see yourself comfortable.

I can’t imagine having gone to my Mum and demanded a chunk of her inheritance!! Shocking behaviour OP. Totally unacceptable.
Mil inherited quite a lot of money and she gave some to her children, but not the lion’s share, and neither of them asked her to do this.
I would write to each of them telling them how incredibly rude and grabby this is, that it’s YOUR money not theirs, and then decide what you want to do with it over time. It’s sensible for you to plan for your own old age, as my Mil has done.

@Highlightagogo keep every penny and tell them that they may get something when you think they’re behaviour has improved.
And write a will leaving everything you have to charity.

Lmao

Because OP told them she'd share her inheritance, and is now regretting that.

OP first let me send my condolences.

I want you to know that your children are behaving very badly. I would give them nothing and after paying off your mortgage and doing any essential maintenance I would start browsing cruises. You can get some nice solo cruises. You will be able to afford to treat yourself.

Have to say I think your original impulse to give 10k was the right thing but given their atrocious behaviour my view now is to give them nothing and let them
wait to inherit it (if there’s any left).

They are being awful and grabby. After that I’d be loathe to give them anything.

That said, my grandparents once said to my brother and I that they wanted to do what my grandfather’s father had done and to skip a generation. Their thinking was based on a few things:

• that our father (their only son) had received his grandfather’s inheritance when he died;
• that my father’s generation had benefited hugely from the housing market at the time while our generation were suffering from that; and,
• that my father was doing fine and while he might like the money he didn’t need it and, unlike us, it wouldn’t be a huge help in life.

I think those reasons are rather good. You, however, perhaps are not as cushioned as my father.

When my grandfather did die it turned out that, actually, he had left my brother and me £10k each and had left the house to our father. (There wasn’t anything beyond the house - not savings pot or anything). I shall never know what happened. Perhaps his will had been written when houses were 10s rather than 100s of thousands of pounds or perhaps he changed his mind. Either way it was hugely disappointing. We’d neither of us gotten into debt or been waiting for an inheritance, but it wouldn’t have meant that we each could have finally had deposits for houses and gotten onto the housing market. £10k was not to be sniffed at, but it was a huge difference than the £400k my father got from the house sale.

My father bought a second holiday home (as in his third house). He gave us nothing more than what we had been left and didn’t even think of using any of it to help us. It all felt rather cruel that we continued to struggle while my father had more disposable income. Crueler still, that he spent money on a third home while his children struggled to pay rent and try to save for a deposit. Though I’d never have dreamt of mentioning any of that to him. It was my grandparents’ decision and that’s that.

Yes. Absolutely.

But if me and two of my siblings all thought we'd be getting £40k gifted from our mum, from whatever she'd said to make us think that, that's not the same thing.

It's odd that all 3 have interpreted exactly the same thing.

OPs explanation is that they must have colluded together...

No because you think a "share" means 1/4 of the inheritance. If the OPs mum wanted that, she would have specified it. She didn't.

The sense of entitlement is shocking.10k is very generous. I'd be tempted to not leave anything in my will for them

Or give it to the cats home.

I agree with this so strongly. And don't let misplaced guilt compel you to offer them a bit more like 20k each or whatever. They're not entitled to anything, they've behaved disgustingly and if they really love you then they will have a relationship with you regardless of what you do with YOUR money that YOUR mother left to you. Make yourself comfortable and ignore them - there's nothing they can do and this is the last time in your whole life your mum can take care of you. Let her.

"You're right, children. I wish I'd been more careful with my money. I should have paid down my mortgage instead of giving you money for cars and holidays, or cash gifts.

And although I'm really hurt by your greedy and rude behaviour, I'm still planning to leave all of you my money when I die, just as my mother left me hers."

Heartbreaking.
You did your absolute best for them, one day they will hopefully see that.
The fact that they also criticised your financial decisions at a time when you have just lost your mother is disgraceful. Talk about kicking someone when they are down.