Another inheritance one!

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My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

Firstly, so sorry for your loss, never easy losing a loved one.

I really hope this is a joke! How entitled can not just one, but all of your children be? For that type of behaviour, I would be tempted to take the money, go live my best life and let them whistle. What were your mother’s wishes? If it is all left to you, then the kids have no right to dictate what you do, however what you decide to do will ultimately have an impact on your relationship with the too entitled crew, so you have to think about what you’re willing to lose in exchange for this financial gain. That said, you also cannot be bullied into making a decision based on other people’s feelings or opinions. Hopefully they are decent people at heart and will come around.

Really winds me up when people don’t realise how lucky they are to be gifted a lump sum. Some of us will get nothing!

So sad that money divides families in such a way and brings out the worst in people. Sorry I can’t really help you, but wish you well in whatever you decide x

I’m so sorry u have shitty (adult) children. It’s your inheritance not theirs. I get that they may have thought u might give them something but they shouldn’t have even asked or demanded by the sounds of it! I’m embarrassed for them.
Pay off your own mortgage and debts and then decide what you want to do. Their behaviour would upset me so much.
Also you won’t even get enough to give them £40k each. Unless I’ve misunderstood and you are getting £170k to urself rather than split. Also £10k is not a token and don’t let them make u feel it is!

Outrageous behaviour OP, I think They should forfeit any gift in view of their greed. What do they think you should use for any care you should need when you are older or the costs of a house move? Come to that if you were my Mum I'd just want you to live confortably and to enjoy life more. Please stick to your guns.

That's kind of the point.

If I've got a cake and I tell John, Jane and Sue I'm going to share it with them, unless I specify, it's perfectly normal to think that I'll cut it into rough quarters.

It is not normal to then get said cake, and when John Jane and Sue say "can I have my quarter please?" to not only claim that they are greedy for feeling entitled to a quarter, but to act like they are greedy for even expecting something.

Before even know what the amount was, she told her kids she'd be sharing Nana's inheritance with them. And is apparently shocked that they are expecting her to share Nana's inheritance with them.

I’d give them a fiver in a gift card and tell them not to worry as I’ve sorted everything in my will (then leave the lot to my grand children in trust until each is 21 to ensure their parents can’t access it, but wouldn’t tell them, of course).

That a couple are not speaking to Op because of it shows how awful they are imo.

If they weren't your kids there would probably be no hesitation in thinking that they were never true friends then & you were obviously better off without them.

Hard to believe 3 adult children could be so coldhearted, greedy and selfish.

Don't give them a penny if that is how they want to play it. If they want to have the cheek again to say you should have handled your finances better then tell them, yes I should have kept all my bonuses and not helped you all out and kept everything to my self then. So ungrateful.

Your mother's money is for you to pay off your mortgage and secure yourself for your pensioner years. To enjoy life more without having to watch the pennies as much, it sounds like you deserve that from life now. They get their share when you go and can do the same with what is left.

Don't even consider leaving yourself short and giving in to their demands. You know they will not help you out in future if you need it. Also do you really see yourself having a lovely relationship with them after this even if they get their own way?

Ive just inherited as well. My children haven’t asked me for anything. I am sharing it with them but that is my choice.
My sister is keeping all of hers and not sharing it with her children as her circumstances are different and she needs it. Both of these options are fine.

The money has been left to you not them.

Its so cheeky of them to decide how much they have decided you will give them.

And who will be funding your care home fee?
10k each is generous.

Wow I'm absolutely shocked at that. What planet do they live on to think that's reasonable or an acceptable thing to do. Theyl inherit from you, that's the way it goes. They are shockingly grabby, I'm sure your mum would be disgusted. Had she wanted them to inherit 40k each, she'd have gave them it.

If I've got a cake and I tell John, Jane and Sue I'm going to share it with them, unless I specify, it's perfectly normal to think that I'll cut it into rough quarters.

She said she would give them something.

Most kids who have years ahead of them would take that to mean what she could afford after looking to herself first.

A lot of people would pay off their mortgage-not least if they might be near 60 & hoping to retire!

Then you sound like the adult children.

Tbh though if I was promised a share of a cake & given none or less than I wanted I'd just go & buy my own.

@StockingsByTheFire f I've got a cake and I tell John, Jane and Sue I'm going to share it with them, unless I specify, it's perfectly normal to think that I'll cut it into rough quarters

On what planet is it normal to think that? Sharing something can mean anything from giving the whole of something to someone right through to a small portion. It does not, and has never, meant an equal division. So, with your example, it could mean you give the entire cake to John/Jane/Sue (who then battle it out), you give half to John/Jane/Sue to share as they want, you share it equally with John/Jane/Sue, or you give them a quarter to share as they want. There is no presumption at all as to what ‘share’ means until it happens or it’s specifically defined.

The problem seems to be that you are using a definition that is not recognised or accepted universally.

Hi OP,

For context, I am a 40 YO "DC" with a job, mortgage, the usual responsibilities (bar kids). Both my sibling and I have received financial support from our parents for big projects and emergencies.

When the inheritance conversation comes up, it goes "sell up and fritter the cash away on cruises if you want to, neither of us is counting on your eventual demise."

Obviously our parents have put a mildly more sensible written plan in place because they are thinking about their eventual, potential care needs.

The point being, that their money is their money. My sibling and I are gainfully employed, educated and housed adults with the ability to look after ourselves and take financial responsibility for ourselves.

As they say on MN, put your own oxygen mask on first.

I'd be mortified to speak to my parents as your DCs have apparently spoken to you. You have already spent their entire lifetime supporting them, providing for them, and were apparently intending to continue this support through a very generous 10k. I cannot imagine what the appropriate response to that is, aside from "thank you".

Not only would I not give them a penny, I would be tempted to leave all my money to charity. How dare they assume?!

I wouldnt give them anything. They are entitled brats.

My parents were talking about selling their house to release money and feeling bad about it. I told them its their money to spend as the choose. I want them to have a comfortable life.

YABU would reward them for their behaviour and treatment of you.

I think YABU wouldn't be helpful if you're expecting or relying on them to look after you in later life as you've looked after them well into adulthood.

When are your adult children going to start thinking it's their turn to look after you and start to repay all that you've done for them or are they going to look at you as a provider and source until your last breath?

'I am alright Jack' 'What's in it for me?'

"Loves - granny gave to me when dead. I will give to you when dead. Meantime, happy days, you get to be grown ups and make better financial decisions than I did."

So sorry to hear how your children are behaving towards you OP.

If your Mum had wanted your children to have some money, she would have gifted it to them directly. She didn't, she left it to you.
Your children sound really entitled.

It's your inheritance and your children are not entitled to anything. My brother and I inherited a sum in that ball park each when our parents died. Kids got £10k each from me and DH and £5k each from B and SIL. Older one had a new kitchen, younger one had a flat deposit. They were chuffed.

We retired and helped with childcare for 3 years. Everyone benefited.

Keep your money, give them a gift if you feel like it but frankly I'm not sure they deserve it.

Give their terrible, selfish attitudes and their demand for your money that you need to pay the mortgage because of the sacrifices you made when they were kids I would spend all my cash on me (including having a reverse mortgage when the
mortgage is paid) and exclude them from my will completely.

No one is entitled to an inheritance and your kids sound horribly ungrateful I’m sorry to say. I’m shocked they’ve come to you and demanded a specific amount of £!

Well they don’t sound like they will be there for you in a crisis, so their behaviour should confirm the importance of making sure you pay off your mortgage and other debts and set money aside for care in your old age.

£10,000 is very generous. Set it aside but don’t give it until their manners improve.

This really!

OP, this is appalling of them.

They think they should have the lion’s share of your inheritance? Why? That’s not normal at all.

Why do they get to say your financial decisions are wrong? What about theirs?! Why should they get a massive deposit on a place when they haven’t earned it?

And would they really want to leave you in debt in order to improve their own finances? How selfish of them.

I agree with only giving the one who is speaking to you the £10k and giving nothing to the others until they apologise.

Also £10k is huge - it’s very far from token!