Another inheritance one!

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My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

Sounds to me that they are used to having their lifestyles subbed and built up an expectation that they were going to inherit a useful sum when your mother died.

Now that doesn't look like it is coming to pass then obviously they are probably, to put it mildly, upset.

Yes they are behaving badly. But you need to ask the question did you allow this expectation to build up over time, or were they always kept informed that the amount of money left over after the care home fees was likely to be limited ?

You told them that you would share with them, and they probably built up expectations that there would be a reasonable sum coming their way that they may have spent months planning what to do with in terms of say housing, now it is a kick in the guts that they may only get a small sum. This may be their only chance to get on the housing ladder, in a shitty country that makes it very difficult for people on average wages to make their way onto the housing ladder. If they are struggling financially any expectation of money, only to find out you are not getting it is a kick in the teeth.

Sure they should not have those expectations, but if it is seen as the only way out from a difficult financial situation you can at least understand why people might think that way, even if it isn't justified.

Obviously there are a whole bunch of other things that we don't know about that could also influence their decision. Maybe you have a partner. Maybe you live in a huge house and have a ton of money locked up in that. Maybe they help you out a lot. Maybe you have huge pension funds. Myabe a hundred other things. Without seeing your entire net worth and plans for the future it is impossible to know. You see plenty of threads on here where children complain about their (very) wealthy parents not helping them out.

None of the issues raised above make their behaviour morally right or acceptable, but might to some degree explain it.

My only change would be to change the tense of the last bit: ‘As you have all pointed out my financial planning failures in the past, I have taken that on board and paid off my debts and invested the rest to provide some security for my later years. I may live to 99 as well.”

No opening for them to argue with OP if the money has been spent/tied up already.

I would keep it, and they wouldn't be inheriting a penny on my death.

Well, aren't you unnecessarily snarky?

LOL.

They are disgusting. It is your inheritance. Nothing to do with them.

They would get nothing from me now. Pay off your mortgage and then blow the lot on frivolous things just to annoy them. Cruises and fancy shoes. And leave anything thats left to the local cats home!

Cheeky sods.

Why would anyone defend OP’s children? She’s made a kind, passing remark about giving then a few quid.
And they’ve got together, worked out a figure and gone on the attack in order to get it.
I always wonder why calculated people behave like that because there is a risk they will get nothing.
And if they go NC with their mum over it, they should be ashamed.
This is why a vulnerable parent can be blackmailed. They fear losing contact.

This is so weird. If my parents had inherited anything I would've expected to get it only when they were dead, if there was anything left.

they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives,

Id be inclined to tell them that I've thought about what they said and they're right. I have frittered away money I should have saved for my mortgage and retirement. So all this:

"I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc"

stops. You will now be managing your money much more carefully, investing it in your pension instead of wasting it on ungrateful brats.

echoing what many others have said here. They would not see a penny with this attitude. we are not talking millions, just enjoy your life and darling children will get whatever is left over after you go. But do your best to spend it all 😁

So they want to inherit directly from YOUR mother and you, THEIR mother….they have a double inheritance and you have a token amount.

How would they feel if you bypassed them in your will and left it to their children and not them? Is this what they expect as they are asking you to do this.

How unbelievably greedy. Such entitlement shows such little respect towards you. I am sorry that you are dealing with this.

I'm so sorry OP, this much feel devastating.

Unfortunately, I think there is an element of generational attitude.

I work for a company providing a service to people that means they can get something cheaper than the traditional route. I help people of different ages, but I find the 30 something the most expectant in terms of getting everything they can possibly get at no cost.

Of course, not all, not even the majority, but a definite difference with older and younger generations.

Ask them how they will feel when their kids start picking over their belongings and their money before they’ve even died. It’s sickening really.

By no measure was this "quite the drip feed". Are you one of the kids? If not, you might want to reflect on why you are being so nasty to someone you don't know.

It sounds like you have given them quite a bit of support and they have taken this for granted. It is rich of them to pick apart your financial situation when they not exactly millionaires. I would give them £1000 each and leave it at that. 10 k is a lot and would be very generous if you decided to give this but after that attitude I would not be inclined to.

I’m going to have to tone down my previous comments now that I’ve read this update from the OP :

“ I have always said I would give them something though I stressed the need to make myself financially secure first,“

If you’ve always said you’d give them something from grandma then that goes some way to explain the entitled behaviour (but not excuse the rudeness).

This is awful. How entitled. I would give them nothing

She was going to give them £10k though. That’s “something”.

Presumably you have explained this to them?

(the fact that most of her money went on paying for the care home?)

Do you mean £170k between you and your brother, or £170k each?

If it's between, why do they think your brother deserves only a small share?

Sorry OP, but what horrible children you have. Maybe you've spoilt them too much for them to be so entitled and greedy. I'd be tempted to hand them nothing with that attitude and make them wait til you've passed to get anything.
I'd stop giving so much help, even if for a while.

If my kids spoke to me like that they'd be waiting until I died for it, the legacy is to you, if it had been intended for your children it would have been given to them. Ungrateful brats.

Cheeky fuckers! Give them nothing!

I am so sorry you have lost your dear mum @Highlightagogo

As for your children....you may well have previously said that you will be giving them something from your DM's inheritance. However, for them to present you with a figure they expect really is entitled, bratty behaviour.

Tell them you haven't made any decisions yet with regards to YOUR inheritance money - and leave it at that. `

Ultimately, it is your decision - but if I was in your situation I really would consider not giving them a penny whilst I was still alive and kicking!

Because a poster came on here last week with a similar overly dramatic story and when questioned admitted it was part of an AI research project to determine peoples responses to certain situations, the more one sided they make the scenarios the more engagement, they are designed to whip people into a frenzy, they also admitted there were multiple scenarios being posted about at the same time on here, often from different angles to determine different responses, usually with some content that will have people up in arms, inheritance, step kids etc.

The fact that you are even here at all saying "my children are demanding money off me or they won't speak to me again, am I wrong to say no?" is ridiculous in itself, so no, it's not cynical to think your 'scenario' is utter tosh to be honest.

You're getting good engagement though, so enjoy!

I would give them 1k each and tell them more will follow if it's not all eaten up in care fees, because I would trust any one of them to be there for you OP.

Sadly, they have cared more about what they are getting, rather than your grief and loss, so I would distance myself from them as they sound like selfish, grabby fucks