To not go to funeral?

[InteriorSummit]

My ex FIL passed away and his funeral is next Friday but I’m away the night before at a show with a friend (booked and paid for months ago, hotel and tickets etc…)

I liked him he was a lovely man and I still seen him on occasion due to my kids birthdays etc or events for them. I also get on well with his wife (not my ex’s mother) Ex and I get on well and I’ve been with my current partner for 10+ years for context.

I visited exFIL the week before he died 3 times at home with my DC (we know it was terminal) and I’m pleased I did. Ordinarily I’d absolutely go and if we’d just planned to go for a day out without having pre booked I would have cancelled but as I say it’s pre paid and non refundable (£250 between us) and that would mean my friend loosing her money too.

We’re going to a different city about 2 hour drive away or 1.5 hr on the train. Funeral is at 11am so for me to make that we’d have to be up and out by 8am if we drive and whilst ok I thinks it’s a bit rubbish for my friend who was looking forward to having a night away and it’s going to cut it short and she’s going to have to clock watch and be careful what she drinks, if she has to drive a few hours earlier than anticipated.

It feels like it impacts her experience the night before too, as we won’t be able to go for a drink after the show etc and I know she wanted to do that. If we have a couple of glasses of wine with a meal before hand then 1 or 2 wines at the show then one or two after it adds up. Yes she doesn’t need to drink, however she enjoys a nice meal and drinks. We live in different directions part of the way so one of us would drive the other to pick up their car and even if we get the train we’d have to leave at similar time.

The plan was to have lunch then leave as we didn’t need to get back until tea time. If it was a close friend or relative I would cancel but really that’s not the situation. So I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

I could make it back for the wake but again it’s still cutting her time short and tbh I won’t know most people there and the coupe of people I do know I don’t like.

What would you do?

I’ve already told his wife we’re away but I’ll try to make it and she was understanding tbf

Yes I think I’d try to do this if getting up at 8 was too tricky. Nice to show support especially as your kids are there. I’d feel guilty having a nice time knowing they’re at a funeral and wake.

Your children must be very very close to their grandparents and be devastated by the loss but the truth is that’s not the same situation for my children. They didn’t see them very often.

That’s not normal though, as plenty of people don’t have any contact with their ex in laws, so it would be highly unusual to demand an ex partner attend their funeral.

OP was clearly never going to go so why ask?

Not just an ex partner. The grandchildren’s other parent. And one who was close enough to visit several times in the week before death

You know your children best of course.

Both my children’s grandfathers have died. One they were very close to. The other they didn’t see often. They needed support at both funerals. Of course, that may depend how old they are.

I’ve managed to read all the posts so thank you to those who have shown understanding and been supportive, very much appreciated.

Even the ones that think I should go, most were respectful. Of course as per MN there were a fair few OTT responses to be expected. A handful that seemed quite nasty but one poster in particular @Summerstuff seemed to be way too invested and who knows what they’d said to get a post deleted, I didn’t see it but I can only imagine judging by their constant posting. FYI Summer, I was making dinner when you were demanding answers to your post. If only I had the time to be glued to my phone all night.

On that note, I’m away to bed. Have fun all and thanks again to the supportive people out there.

I’ve just seen some more deleted posts, must have been off the supportive posters….. not!

Waste of a thread. Was always going to pick a lunch over the funeral.

Why so invested? How bizzare.

You don’t know what I’m going to do becase I still don’t know what I’m going to do!!!

What? That's how threads work. It's extremely obvious it was always going to be a no.

I had a funeral a few years ago I should have gone to but had made other arrangements several months prior to my friend's wife's death. In the end, I apologised and offered to take him out for lunch two or three weeks further down the line. He appreciated that and my conscience was clear that I'd not attended the funeral. I also sent a card with a donation to the charity he had chosen instead of flowers.

💐💐💐 I’m so sorry you’ve had so many shitty answers!

Sorry if this is silly question but have you checked if the service will be streamed live online? I’m sure it would’ve been mentioned to you if so but might be worth making sure. I “attended” a service this way a couple of years ago and it was so helpful for me and a lot of people who weren’t able travel.

Regardless of what you do, here’s to happy memories. I’m sorry for your loss.

You might be able to watch it later if it is streamed from the crem. They usually have them available to re-watch for about a month - if you decide not to go that is.

Well you obviously just wanted people to agree with you so I am glad you feel you got the validation you wanted for a decision you had already made.

@InteriorSummit

have you tried to change the dates of the tickets and the hotel??

This would've been my first step.