To not go to funeral?

[InteriorSummit]

My ex FIL passed away and his funeral is next Friday but I’m away the night before at a show with a friend (booked and paid for months ago, hotel and tickets etc…)

I liked him he was a lovely man and I still seen him on occasion due to my kids birthdays etc or events for them. I also get on well with his wife (not my ex’s mother) Ex and I get on well and I’ve been with my current partner for 10+ years for context.

I visited exFIL the week before he died 3 times at home with my DC (we know it was terminal) and I’m pleased I did. Ordinarily I’d absolutely go and if we’d just planned to go for a day out without having pre booked I would have cancelled but as I say it’s pre paid and non refundable (£250 between us) and that would mean my friend loosing her money too.

We’re going to a different city about 2 hour drive away or 1.5 hr on the train. Funeral is at 11am so for me to make that we’d have to be up and out by 8am if we drive and whilst ok I thinks it’s a bit rubbish for my friend who was looking forward to having a night away and it’s going to cut it short and she’s going to have to clock watch and be careful what she drinks, if she has to drive a few hours earlier than anticipated.

It feels like it impacts her experience the night before too, as we won’t be able to go for a drink after the show etc and I know she wanted to do that. If we have a couple of glasses of wine with a meal before hand then 1 or 2 wines at the show then one or two after it adds up. Yes she doesn’t need to drink, however she enjoys a nice meal and drinks. We live in different directions part of the way so one of us would drive the other to pick up their car and even if we get the train we’d have to leave at similar time.

The plan was to have lunch then leave as we didn’t need to get back until tea time. If it was a close friend or relative I would cancel but really that’s not the situation. So I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

I could make it back for the wake but again it’s still cutting her time short and tbh I won’t know most people there and the coupe of people I do know I don’t like.

What would you do?

I’ve already told his wife we’re away but I’ll try to make it and she was understanding tbf

Your last line is perfectly correct - the funeral is for those left behind with whom you don’t really have a relationship

I think some of these people can't have read your OP properly and have failed to realise that the deceased is no longer your FIL. The children can go to the funeral with their father. You're fine not to go. Ignore the people on here who enjoy shaming people for not being total doormats on any and every occasion.

Do not let strangers guilt you on the Internet.
I stand by my first post.
You have plans, it's unfortunate timing. Send apologies and go out with your friend 🧡

At the end of the day you don't want to go and prefer to spend the time with your friend. Your values and your choice. Do what you want. That's what's important right?

How come you keep posting at the OP aggressively? It's quite inappropriate.

I think it’s reasonable to ask opinions , see if there is something you haven’t thought about , because it’s not a trivial thing. There isn’t a perfect solution.

That's what you wanted then, to be told not to go and to choose having lunch out instead.

She's putting her friend, who is alive, ahead of her dead ex father-in-law.

She's also going to be out of town on the day of the funeral. She has plans that were made before he died

It's not her father. It's her ex-father-in-law and her ex-husband and at least one child will be there.

OP isn't available to attend the funeral.

She’s not putting her living mate over her dead ex in law. She’s putting her living mate over her kids. The funeral is for them more than it is for the dead guy.

My opinion is that the ceremonial summing up of someone’s life is more significant than a lunch.

You’re really going for the evening show and that isn’t impacted. Surely you can cut short the day after, without the fun trip being spoilt?

I’d be really sad if my daughter in law (or ex, but you say you got on well) put a lunch before my funeral. I’d be really surprised if your friend took offence at the trip being cut short.

Why don’t you go to all funerals then if it’s so important ? You know , get up , head off to the crem and attend them all?

What would it matter if you would be 'really sad'?! You'd be dead!

Her kids have a father, whose father it is who has died.

Don’t be obtuse.

If the kids’ father thought it was important, he should have checked she was available to attend

You don't need to go. You are divorced from your husband and his family. You no longer have to participate in their family rituals. They wouldn't invite you to a wedding or a christening or a family party. So you don't need to participate in the not so nice ceremonies either. And you already said you goodbyes to your Father in Law.

Your husband can take the children. Leave them to their family funeral. You go and do what you want.

I'm not. I would understand, although not fully agree with, the 'funerals are for the living' argument. But to talk about the point of view of the dead person is absurd because they're dead. OP said that she visited her ex FIL before his death, which was nice of her and far more meaningful than going to his funeral.

This 100%.

I wouldn’t feel obliged to go, you visited before he died which is much more important

this

Well that's fine if that's how OP views it, but by posting and asking for opinions she is not so sure herself.
I think we all understand that the man is dead. Her presence would maybe be comfort for the wider family. Only OP knows the strength of the relationship.

Maybe they wouldn’t be hurt, maybe they would, neither you nor I can say for sure either way as we don’t know them. OP is better placed to know this.

All and sundry coming to “pay their respects” is not always what the family wants anyway. At my Mum’s funeral there were people there who didn’t have much of a relationship with her or the immediate family, and that pissed me off actually.

Do you actually want to go. If you do then I'm sure your friend will understand. You don't need to drink lots to enjoy a night out.