To not go to funeral?

[InteriorSummit]

My ex FIL passed away and his funeral is next Friday but I’m away the night before at a show with a friend (booked and paid for months ago, hotel and tickets etc…)

I liked him he was a lovely man and I still seen him on occasion due to my kids birthdays etc or events for them. I also get on well with his wife (not my ex’s mother) Ex and I get on well and I’ve been with my current partner for 10+ years for context.

I visited exFIL the week before he died 3 times at home with my DC (we know it was terminal) and I’m pleased I did. Ordinarily I’d absolutely go and if we’d just planned to go for a day out without having pre booked I would have cancelled but as I say it’s pre paid and non refundable (£250 between us) and that would mean my friend loosing her money too.

We’re going to a different city about 2 hour drive away or 1.5 hr on the train. Funeral is at 11am so for me to make that we’d have to be up and out by 8am if we drive and whilst ok I thinks it’s a bit rubbish for my friend who was looking forward to having a night away and it’s going to cut it short and she’s going to have to clock watch and be careful what she drinks, if she has to drive a few hours earlier than anticipated.

It feels like it impacts her experience the night before too, as we won’t be able to go for a drink after the show etc and I know she wanted to do that. If we have a couple of glasses of wine with a meal before hand then 1 or 2 wines at the show then one or two after it adds up. Yes she doesn’t need to drink, however she enjoys a nice meal and drinks. We live in different directions part of the way so one of us would drive the other to pick up their car and even if we get the train we’d have to leave at similar time.

The plan was to have lunch then leave as we didn’t need to get back until tea time. If it was a close friend or relative I would cancel but really that’s not the situation. So I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

I could make it back for the wake but again it’s still cutting her time short and tbh I won’t know most people there and the coupe of people I do know I don’t like.

What would you do?

I’ve already told his wife we’re away but I’ll try to make it and she was understanding tbf

I think ex has a cheek to even be miffed, and I'd imagine that that's why the OP is second guessing herself. That said, I completely agree that OP should enjoy the time with her friend. It speaks well to her character that she visited her ex FIL on his deathbed. A lot of exes wouldn't do that at all, which would be fair enough.

Personally I would wake up early and go to the funeral. You don’t need to get plastered to have a good night with your friend. You can leave earlier than her. I’m sure she would understand.

It sounds like you don’t want to go, which is fair enough, but I probably would.

If she's old enough to drive, surely she can go for lunch on her own. I love a nice quiet day on my own pottering around. Let her do that so she gets a full day and you go to the funeral.

I can't believe that someone close enough to see someone 3 times in the week before their death is not going to attend the funeral just because they'd have to get up early! For a lot of funerals, people travel from all over the country.

Ex was miffed when OP said she the funeral might clash with her booked event. Yeah, I’d be miffed if someone told me that in the midst of my grief. You generally keep those thoughts to yourself or tell someone other than the bereaved.

Well I know my children better than you and I can say that they aren’t overly emotional as that would be a different story. To never forgive someone sounds rather excessive and I know they wont see it that way.

Thank you, you’re absolutely spot on. Quite bizarre responses by some as we’re not even together and haven’t been for 10 years. They aren’t even a close family as ex and his dad didn’t have a close relationship. I only see them maybe twice a year, yet somehow it’s unbelievable that I don’t wish to get up at the crack of dawn and by default get her up, to get there and leave my friend to get herself home when she never gets out and is going through he own difficulties and she was looking forward to this.

Let the kids go with their dad. You aren't in town - send a card or some flowers, that would be a lovely gesture. Will the service be steamed for out of town family and friends? It's nice that you want to go support the family, but they are ex husband's priority at this point and people can't get mad at an ex spouse being absent at events like this.

I don’t think your family are unusual, I think some of the responses are OTT for sure. Those that think it’s “shocking”, I mean really…

They’re fine. Trust me. I should know.

This exactly. You seem to be coming up with every excuse you can think of not to go. Your friend is a grown adult so is perfectly able to cope with not going out for lunch with you. She's also presumably a half decent human so would completely understand the change of plan. In fact if you were my friend I would be mortified to think you were missing a funeral to accompany me to breakfast and sit having lunch with me whilst your children were at their grandparents funeral!! You absolutely should go to the funeral.

I’d probably have cancelled the trip tbh, I wouldn’t have missed my ex FIL’a funeral or not been with my kids beforehand for anything. Definitely go to the funeral. Would you really enjoy lunch and sightseeing knowing you were missing it?

I would get up early and go. You and your friend drive separately so she can have a lie in and head back when she wants to. Won't your kids need you there?

If you can get up early and get to the funeral I would go, you want to go. I’m sure your friend can sort herself in the morning

I would have been more than miffed if my ex had missed my dad’s funeral for a night away with a mate.

Then you are very entitled (unless he became an ex after your father died)

I understand why you’d think that so it was basically because I wanted to make sure the children had a chance to see him before it was too late.

This doesn’t make sense. We were both wondering when the funeral would be and I explained that we were away on xxx date so hopefully it won’t be that date. Lo and behold it was.

I wouldn’t go to the service, but I’d probably try to go along to whatever’s happening afterwards even if it’s just at the end to pick the kids up.

This. She can stay later and come back separately if she wants.

I have no idea why you even asked the question.

Fair enough. I know how my ex ILs would have felt if I’d voiced my hope that their deceased family member’s funeral didn’t clash with an day out with a friend.

Not sure why you bothered to start this thread. You clearly don’t want to go and want to go and have a boozy night, a lie and lunch with your friend. So just do that.

if you weren’t close and you won’t be missed then there’s no drama. Have a great night.

and sorry for your loss.