To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

Why the majority?

I did share a recent inheritance with family members who weren’t in the will, but I believe the person who wrote the will had an inkling that I would, and would’ve been perfectly ok with that.

Your son is an adult and it is his money, If he doesn’t want to gift money to his cousin he absolutely doesn’t have to. It is unfair of his relatives to pressure him. All they will do is destroy any relationship they have with him.

It is awful to emotionally blackmail him in this way - they should be ashamed. You are absolutely correct to support your son. Take legal advice if it continues - would he go as far as a cease and desist letter if the harassment gets too much?

YANBU. A will does not have to meet anyone standards of ‘fairness’. The cousin isn’t entitled to a share of money that was never hers. Your relative decided who she wanted her assets to go to, and it was to your children.

Let your former in laws whine amongst themselves. Neither you nor your DC need to indulge them.

These aren’t the figures, but imagine my DCs have inherited £50k each, so ex in laws want £100k splitting three ways instead of two. Only eldest DC will be able to access their inheritance straight away, as youngest DC will be put into trust and the law is very clear that this cannot be interfered with in any way. So exMIL wants my eldest to give the cousin £33K now, leaving them £17k, and my youngest to then top my eldest back up to £33k when they turn 18. Which is not for quite a few years.

The excluded cousin is the youngest of all involved DC.

This happened in my family. 6 cousins. 7th born after the relative died but before the will was distributed. I asked that we share with the 7th cousin and my parents and her parents confirmed that her parents would be matching our amounts out of their share so that we were all the same. I'm the eldest and had a house at the time and I. Hindsight appreciate it's much easier for me to give up some of my share when I'm established by comparison to everyone else.

MiL thinks that your DS should give cousin the majority of his share, and then get topped by younger DS when they reach 18? Even if your DC both wanted to share the inheritance, why should cousin get a full share now while your DS has to wait?
I don't think there's a world in which MiL or anyone else can dispose of the younger child's share without their consent, and they can't consent until they are 18. What if elder DS gave his share to cousin and then younger DS decided he didn't want to share? Elder DS would then be shafted. Their suggestion is just wrong on so many levels.
I can see why MiL might prefer for the cousins all to be treated equally, but why would ExH want his children to give up their inheritance?
Personally, I think that if the donor had wanted the cousin to inherit, they could have actioned that. I might add, that if leaving £ to the children/grandchildren of a sibling ( which I am assuming is what has happened here, that this would be a sibling of EXH's parents) the usual phrasing in a will would refer to all the issue, whether or not they were born at the time the will was made. So the implication ( to me) is that SiL and her children were deliberately excluded. I bet there is back story, even if you don't know it, `OP.

In the interests of fairness I would split it the three ways if it were me. I’d feel extremely uncomfortable knowing one cousin had nothing. But then I like to think I’m a good person.

The relative is actually an in law of my ex PIL - their spouse died many years ago and they remained close afterwards.

My DCs were explicitly named in the will, rather than x% split between any great nieces / nephews. They have had many years to update the will to include the cousin if they had wanted to. The death was not sudden and they were of sound mind, with plenty of time to get their affairs in order. I haven’t seen the will, so I don’t know when it was written - it could already be very recent.

The family dynamics are complicated - the entire family is terrified of one of the parents of the cousin, and they will kick up a stink.

Who was the relative? If it's the grandparent of all 3, and no one had gone no contact or anything, I think sharing would be fair (though maybe not in the way they are suggesting). If it's a more distant relative then they might just have picked the young people they had a relationship with.

ExMIL can redress the balance from her own will
if she feels so strongly.

I would suggest that and not be drawn in further on the matter.

Your children were left the money and that is that. There is no need to give any money to the cousin and they should in no way feel obliged or pressurized to do so.

Na fuck them your mil doesn't get to overrule the deceased persons wishes for their estate. If they wanted the cousin in the will they'd have put them in it. Stand firm on that.

If your DS were to agree to your MIL's demands and give most of his inheritance to his cousin now and then your youngest balances it out with your eldest when he reaches 18 - what happens if your youngest were to refuse to give his brother anything at that stage. It's a ridiculous idea. Strongly encourage your DS to stick to his guns.

I wouldn’t share.
You think that this relative forgot to update their will but it could have been their intention all along. So it’s on them. Maybe this relative felt for your kids being without dad. Maybe SIL disappointed them with their life choices. We don’t know. Your ex and Ex MIL can update their wills accordingly but they can’t do anything about this will, you can’t make this decision for your youngest and your eldest doesn’t want to share ( and imo rightly so)
Cousin and their parents have free lifelong pass to slag the dead relative as much as they can but that’s all they can get.

You can’t guarantee that youngest will cooperate and compensate the older brother. If the adults want to make this “fair” they need to find the money out of their own pockets.

People do forget to update their wills.

In the interests of fairness, I’d try to sort something (probably not what they’ve asked though, as that is unfair to your eldest.

After this^ update I wonder if the deceased just wanted to show their middle finger to the standard family dynamics and deliberately excluded this cousin.

The will should be followed.
It is not up to you or Mil to interfere or put pressure on your children.
If she attempts to coerce your children, report her.
She can gift the cousin if she wishes, but the will was clear.

It happened in our house. My husbands uncle left our eldest two money before the youngest was born.

We put an equal amount into the youngest account and have never mentioned it again.
These things happen.

The idea that we would have asked the other cousins to add in our youngest and re-divide the money left to them, would simply never have occurred to us.

How old is the cousin?

They have had many years to update the will to include the cousin if they had wanted to.

The Will is a legal document that must be followed. If the MIL thinks it's unfair then she can change her own Will to give more of her own money to the cousin if she wants. Don't let them coerce your children into giving up what is legally theirs. Coercion is a crime.

As executor, I redistributed an amount of my husband's estate, but the difference is that he told me what amount of money he wanted to go to his grandchild (not born when the will was written) and specifically said "You might give [grandchild] X amount," so that's what I did.

The grandchild was an adult, so I sent the cheque the same time as I sent the others. (I had no need to organise a deed of variation, since I took the money out of my portion.)

As others have said, in this case the deceased had plenty of time to make their wishes known and they did: they wrote a will and didn't make an amendment either as a codicil or as a verbal wish.

Moreover, the deceased seems to have been careful to put the inheritance of the younger child in trust in order to prevent it being squandered. Therefore, I'd say that they'd have done the same for the cousin if they'd wanted them to inherit as well.

Your in laws sound grabby. If the cousin is the youngest of the three why should your eldest give them the full amount now? Hmm so the parents can spend it no doubt as its not like it will be in trust.

Your elder son is 18 just starting life so the money will be useful to him. Stand your ground and make sure your son’s keep their full inheritance. Also block the MIL & SIL, exH can deal with them, they aren’t your problem

If my mum gave away £17k of my money I wouldn’t think she was being ‘a good person’ lol

As I've already said on another Will related thread, what is the point of even making one if people are going to make changes to the deceased's wishes?

Do not give in to your ILs pressure OP.

It doesn’t matter whether they think it’s unfair or not: there’s a will and whatever the will says, goes. That’s the point of wills, really.