To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

The young one can't make that decision before he is 18.

No it isn't. He has no right to decide that his children will give away money that was left to them.

If the shoe was on the other foot and it all went to the cousin, how would you feel?
If your standing your hrou d just block them, it's none of their.busines

Your MIL has got it into your head that the money left to your DC was somehow a fund left to that generation, which is why she wants them to share it. Presumably there was more of the estate bequeathed elsewhere, so why doesn’t she pursue those beneficiaries and ask them to surrender the same amount as was given to each of your DCs? (Presumably because she thinks it’s easier to bully your boys).
Stand firm in support of your sons - and point out to ex-DH that he should do so too.

Nope. I say this as a Wills lawyer. Strictly speaking, the wishes of that deceased person were set out in his/her Will. If other relatives have an issue with it they should consider taking it up with them in the afterlife.

If your DC want to split then that’s fine. They should not be bullied or cojoled into doing so - this wasn’t their fault. Your younger DC will technically have their amount held on trust for them but assuming it’s not a crazy amount and the executors will want to close the estate and have the requisite powers to do so, they will most likely give the funds to you or ex DH to hold on your minor DCs behalf until they come of age and call that good receipt. The issue is if ex DH is the one holding the funds whether his mother will guilt him into giving some to his nieces and nephews (illegally I might add). Have a talk with your ex and try to get a consensus on what to do.

If your son and you decide that you did want to share and the cousin is the youngest.
Could your son put $17k into an account for his youngest brother and keep his $33k share and then when your younger son turns 18 (at or around the same time as the youngest cousin asking for her share), he can gift the $33k from his and then he’ll have the $17k to top his up.
God I hope that makes sense

I repeat...it is nothing whatsoever to do with the OP. It's not her family money, it's her ex's. They're divorced, he's the only one with any say. She should keep her nose out of it.

Its sounds very dodgy that they want the 3rd of the money now.
Especially when it is in no way protected for the child that you have said is the youngest of the 3.

It’s not ‘his family’s money’ - it’s her sons’ money. It’s been left to them not to ExH and as their parent it’s up to her to support them.

Eldest son is an adult. This is going to be a tough life lesson, it may mean a rift with his cousin and his grandmother, but once you give in to blackmail you have set a precedent. I think you said, OP, that this came as a complete surprise so it’s not as if cousin/cousin’s parents were expecting an inheritance or counting on it to pay school fees for example. If Uncle Fred had left everything to charity they might never have known about it.

Does your DS feel bad for his cousin? It does seem very harsh to the left out cousin. I would hope that MIL would even it up in her will and presumably you wouldn't raise any objections about that as that would be very wrong.

He doesn’t get a say though? The 18 year old is an adult - no one can tell him what to do with his own money.

The legal terms of the will for the child are unclear - but from the information available the family can’t force anything on him either.

its not family money - it’s money belonging to these two young people. Unless the husband has some legal role in managing the younger child money which he doesn’t seem to.

this almost feels like financial abuse.

It sounds as if the will was badly worded, naming individuals rather than relationships. Then the person never thought to change it when more children were born. Or else they didn't want anything to go to the cousins for some reason. Nobody knows which.
However , the expectation about dividing the money expressed by the cousins is completely unreasonable and I would be inclined to refuse and let the fallout happen .

The writer of the Will is the one who decides not everyone afyer their death.

YANBU.

Frankly if SIL agressive H starts call the police. Obviously this may drive a wedge in the family, but if all the rest of the family are focussed on is £, more fool them. Had SIL spent time with the relative, the will would likely have been split.

Vultures.

This is a bit worrying. I thought held in trust means to be held in trust.
Surprised to read that it is not actually secure, it could be given to ExH to hold for youngest son in order to close the estate!

What does your ex husband think of this?

I do think it’s unfair to the cousin but also unfair on your child to be pushed into giving away their money or your youngests share being promised to someone else.

Why was it surprising they left your children this money, where else could it have gone?

Did you know the person who died well? Would they be upset to have caused a family rift? Or perhaps this was their intention?

This seems strange. We had a very complex issue where my grandparents left myself and my brother money in trust but it had been worded badly and would only become
available on my mother’s death rather than at a set age point, and my mom knew they had wanted it to fund (support) our university educations. It took quite a lot of legal untangling to get it released at 18 instead.

@IfIHadAHeart Tell everyone that your family will respect the deceased's last wishes as per his will and tell them they should respect that as well.

🤔 I wonder if it was the other way around , and the cousin inherited, would the ex sister in law/ mother in law, be willing to give to your two?

People like your ex and his family never consider how disrespectful they are being to the deceased. They are effectively saying that he might have wanted his estate distributed in the way he chose, but fuck him and his wishes.

Other than telling them once to speak with the executors of the will, I wouldn’t engage with them at all and would advise my son to do the same. Block them on your phones and forward anything they send in writing to the solicitor who may well give them some free advice about harassment.

The will leaves money to two named individuals who were not blood relatives of the deceased. It seems crystal clear that the deceased didn't want the cousin to get anything. If the OP's sons were to inherit from a relative of hers or a friend, or win the Lottery, would MIL be asking them to hand over some of that too?

If it were my children, I would probably encourage them to share if I thought it was an oversight (e.g. not updating the will). Not for the parents/MIL, but for the child's sake.

But no one should pressure you/your child to share if they don't want to. It's their decision and should remain that way.

This! 100% The whole point of a Will is to leave your estate to whoever you wish. It is a legal document and that is what the deceased person wanted to do with their money. End of discussion.

Indeed!! I'm not sure how far into correspondence you are with this OP but there are some excellent phrases in the responses here. Like -

What is the point if a Will if afterwards others get to say "No, we don't like that, let's do this" ? And as a pp said a Will doesn't have to align with someone else's idea of "fairness" . The Will was written as the deceased requested, nobody gets to "police" that and "correct it" post mortem. 🙄

From your update about one parent of the cousin I would say the Will was absolutely a definite choice on the part of the deceased. From that point alone I would hold firm - with a solicitor's letter if need be. They trusted and honoured your DC with an inheritance, honour their wishes. Good luck.

I really hate it when people think they have the right to ignore the wishes of the deceased.

I would consider what the deceased person would have wanted - I understand they didn't update their will but in real life lots of people don't, it becomes a 'when I get round to it ' thing and with a new child being born it is possible they never got around to it but it would be obvious it would have been their wishes. If there is no obvious reason that would have been their wishes though then no. Ultimately it is up to your children. Do they have any relationship with this cousin?

We had a similar situation in our family but the money WAS shared because it was very clear to the whole family that that would have been the deceased wishes but life got in the way of them updating their will. That won't always be the case though.