To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

Well luckily it’s an ex’s family member so I’m guessing there is no need for your kids to have any contact with these people unless they choose to. Respect the person’s will and tell the others to jog on. I would also make it very clear to your kids that you will support them and any attempts to blackmail them emotionally will be firmly rebutted by you.

From all the OP's responses about there being plenty of time for the deceased to alter their will after the cousin's birth, I do wonder if there was some doubt that the cousin is a blood relative? Maybe I'm way off base, but that's one reason this situation arises. Also MIL and co would want it hushed up to avoid embarrassment.

“the entire family is terrified of one of the parents of the cousin, and they will kick up a stink.”

I’m guessing this is why the cousin was excluded- the deceased did not like that part of the family.

So what if they kick up a stink - let them! Sometimes life isn’t fair and very often people are removed from wills or given less for a valid reason and instead of kicking up a stink maybe they should be reflective in how they treat family.

Block them and back your DC and help them set them up for their future.

Maybe tell them if it WAS to be done, the youngest cousin wouldn’t be given anything until they turned 18, as how is it possibly fair the other two have to wait til they can access their full shares but they don’t, especially when the favour would be done completely for their benefit? See what their reaction is - I’m guessing that wouldn’t wash - in that case you can feel entirely justified in not giving in to their demands as the MIL mad SIL clearly don’t give a shit about your two.

Stick with what the Will says. We had something similar in our wider family. Never knew why certain decisions were made, but assumed it was likely (in our case), that the deceased had assisted the other parties financially during their lifetime.

I have to agree with this. I think it’s unfair. I wouldn’t do it. In my personal circumstances.

But at the end of the day we really don’t know the dynamics. And as the person has died we can’t ask about intentions so not only the law says we must do as the will states, I think ethically it’s also the correct thing to do. I would make sure my children would stick to no thank you.

Agree with this. This was (I am inferring) an aunt/great aunt or uncle on the exH’s side and they chose to leave this money explicitly to your DCs.

The cousin and their family may want to think on how being kind and fostering good relationships - rather than kicking up a stick - might have benefited them and consider changing their ways going forward.

Take comfort in the fact that after all the dust settles, you’ll never need to feel obliged to invite any of them to your DC’s weddings. Result!

Can you not just say the amount??

@IfIHadAHeart If probate is in England or Wales you can get a copy of the will Without anyone knowing. www.gov.uk/search-will-probate

To satisfy your nosiness? Behave!

It's nothing to do with the child if they are younger than your children, they wouldn't have been getting any inheritance until they turned 18 if they were left anything anyway.
This is greedy adults who could take the money and not give it to the child at all because they would not be legally bound by a will to do so.

Block and ignore them all. Use a parenting app to communicate with your exh regarding your children and any attempts to blackmail you and your children will be in writing.

Good on your son to refuse to to deprive himself of the unexpected financial security. Hopefully he will invest wisely until he needs to buy a house and maximise his inheritance with help from the government.

But then I like to think I’m a good person.

Yet people pleasers never seem to have a problem with upsetting the people closest to them. Taking money that doesn't belong to you from your own child, to give to an ex in laws child is not being a good person FYI. It's just a desperate need you have to be liked.

The money was willed to your children @IfIHadAHeart it should simply stay with them. MIL is free to even it out in her will. I'm sensing a golden child dynamic at play here though due to you exh agreeing with his Mother and sister and the way they want it distributed. I doubt your children would have received anything from mil anyway.

How old are is your youngest and the cousin? The fact yours are named specifically rather than 100k to be shared by all nieces/nephews etc, suggests it was deliberate.

I do wish people would add little notes explaining why 1 child, 1 sibling etc is left out of a will. Would certainly make things easier for the surviving family.

Haha WTF? Not grabby at all.

In US they do often write something explicit to ensure it is more difficult to contest the intent. Also sometimes they just leave the person they want to omit $1 or similar.

In the OPs children’s situation I do not feel there is a moral or ethical reason they must share with the cousin. This was a married in Uncle, not a grandparent. It sounds like his intent was for the OPs children to inherit.

I think the inference was that the amount may factor into advice given or help give context to the reaction of the family - I mean, if they are squabbling over a share of 20k, it seems petty. But if it’s closer to a million? A large amount explains why cousin’s family are kicking off - but it doesn’t change the fact that the money was left knowingly and explicitly to OP’s DCs, so even if it’s £10m, it’s tough. It’s what the giftor wanted.

Might be different if only 2 of her 3 children had inherited, but not a cousin.

Your son is quite right, as are you. The will is the wishes of the deceased and should be followed, especially with the family dynamics here. You can see from the awful attempts to put pressure on your DC why the deceased made that decision!

i think you stay out of it...nothing to do with you. It's your ex's job to decide.

I think it would be kind to gift something, but not the majority. The person who has left this money has been very irresponsible and put your kids in a difficult situation now in terms of family relationships. I think it would be kind to give something, even if it’s a token amount.

in your shoes I wouldn’t have said anything and I would have tried to keep it all completely under the radar to preserve the family relationships.

Agree aswell that it’s your ExH side of the family that actually you don’t really need to do anything if you are separated! X

Let them? They have no rights. I would be happy to share if I thought it was reasonable but I won't be bullied into it. No way.

It depends. Are they likely to inherit more from MIL if they do what she wants?

If the will is explicit, the money belongs to your children. No one else should have a say.

That money belongs to your children, it’s not up to you to even it all out. Your eldest has said he wants to keep the full amount so you stand with him. Block ex’s family and make sure your children aren’t coerced into anything they don’t want to do. If ex’s family all turn on each other so be it as it’s not your problem.

Splitting the inheritance three ways seems fair. But not with your eldest paying out now. A trust fund needs setting up for the cousin, your 18 year old transfers the amount he needs to give and your youngest does the same when he is 18.