To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

Is the exclusion because the deceased was afraid that the unliked parent of the cousin would grab the money?

I think the only approach is to say "we are sticking to the terms of the will because it is very clearly what XX wanted." It is very hard for the ex family to deny this, as it is what was written down.

If the family had all been rather nicer about it and a little more reasonable, I might have asked my DC if they'd like to contribute a couple of £k each to give to cousin, but rudeness and demanding (added to what sounds like a really unpleasant parent to cousin) means that they have reaped what they have sown.

I am shocked by posters who don't seem to understand that a will is a legal document.

The money has not just been left in a pile for all the adults around to share as they think is fair!

The money will be distributed in accordance with the will. The only way to vary it is by a deed of variation (another legal document) and that will need to be done before distribution. Anyone under 18 can't give consent to this. That would explain ExMils request for 18 year old to give up so much of his inheritance.

The person who left the money would have made a decision and it's extremely disrespectful to put pressure on anyone to go against their wishes.

That's the whole point of a will.

What sort of % of the estate are your kids receiving? If the whole thing is coming to them, a small amount to the other cousin might not go amiss (definitely not the full share from your oldest now tho - from your numbers, maybe 5k to cousin?)
But if they have, say 10% each, the adults can find the money for the other cousin.

Don't let your eldest be bullied into this by ExH because when it comes to money it brings out the ugliest side in some people. A will is a will, it's not open to interpretation, they are bound by law and your DC could lose opportunities in life if they were to share, plus as pointed out younger DC might refuse to replenish older DCs money and then what?
Tell your DC do you think there would be this outrage and cousin expecting to share if it was your DC who had been missed out?

Money left to minors (under 18) is always in trust BUT you can have a clause, written into the will, which says something like ‘at the trustees discretion, the parent or guardian of the child can give a good receipt for the money’. Basically if you have 12 grandchildren and they’ve all been left £100, it’s a pain in the arse to set up trust accounts for each one. If this clause exists, the executors can discharge their duty by handing it over to their parent on the basis that they are going to hold it on trust for them. Usually that parent will open an account especially for the money.

It only applies if there is such a clause, and the executors could decide not to do it. It would normally only be used for fairly small sums of money. The person making the will would know the people concerned and whether they felt this was safe.

We did deed of variation, I think that makes it fair for all three.

OP has said that the relative knew they were dying, was organised and of sound mind. They had time to add this cousin but chose not to. Specifically naming the DC shows they were very clear about their intentions. So that's that.

It is not for anyone to override someone else’s will. No will should be considered to have been a mistake by any body else especially an aggrieved person. The will stands in law as it is.

What you describe is financial coercion and shouldn’t be tolerated let alone considered.

This demanding and meddling person has no business knowing what’s in the will let alone to interfere with the decisions laid out within it.

Your sons should not feel legally or morally obligated to split the money after receiving it and they definitely shouldn’t feel obligated to justify their financial decisions. They didn’t ask for the money. But they should respectfully receive it as part of the deceased person’s wishes.

If the meddling person continues to harass, your older child should ask a solicitor to send a letter asking her/him to stop with the financial coercion.

Just follow the Will, you know, as the deceased person intended.
The circling of vultures here is quite disgusting.

If one DC is left out then the adults who inherit can choose to give their money to that DC, that's their only option. I suspect the relative thoroughly disliked the cousin's DF and didn't trust him not to spend any money left to his DC.
It's legally your DS money, taking any of it is theft if he doesn't want to give it away.

No way and I can’t believe your exH.

What if your eldest gives all that money now and then your youngest refuses to?!

I was the only one to benefit from my mum's will. So I shared the proceeds with my brother. I couldn't have lived with myself if I hadn't. But I knew the background and knew that it was stunningly unfair.

The bizarre thing in this case is that the mil wants youngest cousin to get a third now, while his other cousins have to wait. And that the eldest is reliant on his brother complying with sharing his when he's 18.

I think the date of the will is very important in this. If the youngest was around when the will was made, the relatives wishes are clear.

If your children want to give cousin a portion they should give it after DC2 is 18 (or 21 or whenever the trust runs until). Not appropriate to pressure DC1 into it now. If they don't then that's up to them. If one does and one doesn't then again that's up to them. Personally I would for a sibling unless there was financial disparity or drugs or something, but I'm not sure if I would do it for a cousin. Particularly if it seems intentional by the deceased.

I will try and answer some of the questions, if I can.

My DCs are the only named beneficiaries of the will. The rest of the estate has been left to charity. The deceased has a surviving sibling and hasn’t left them any money either.

My DCs had a good relationship with the deceased. My eldest was cutting their grass for them etc over the last year or so while they’ve been ill, and youngest would pop in after school sometimes for a cuppa. I don’t know what relationship the cousin had with them as I try to have very minimal contact with my ex and his family. The cousin is around 10/11, so of an age where any relationship would depend on their parents I suppose, but I don’t know what that was like.

The contents of the will were a surprise because A) the deceased has a sibling and B) is not a biologically close relative.

The figures I gave were just to simplify the maths. It’s not millions, or anywhere near. It is enough to go towards university fees or be a deposit for a house when they are older.

In terms of other inheritances, my parents are already dead and had no estate to leave. I’m likely to be in the same boat when my time comes. I don’t know what’s likely to happen on ex’s side.

My own feelings are that a will does express the persons wishes. If I had anything to leave, I’d be annoyed to think this was distributed in another way after my death to suit the adults.

I haven’t replied to any of the abusive messages. I have supported DC in agreeing that they are not legally obliged to do what is being asked.

It's nothing to do with the ex's side either though - the DC have been explicitly left some inheritance which is legally theirs. NOBODY should be coercing the DC to hand over any of their inheritance - especially in the way exmil is proposing. Good on op for protecting her DC - this is a life-changing sum of money for them!

They can't do this with DC2's share though as under 18s can't agree to a deed of variation.

Based on your posts, it is clear that your DC were the intended recipients and not all children of the family of their generation.
You have raised good boys and it has been recognised by the deceased.

i think your update gives the answer then: your DC were involved and helping out

I should add that any deed of variation or removing part of your younger DC’s share would result in them having a claim against whoever did that in the future

I repeat also, that it's nothing to do with the ex - the money has been willed to the DC and nothing op or her ex says can alter that fact.

Coercing adult DC would be absolutely wrong, and younger DC can't legally decide until they reach 18.

The law is explicit regarding inheritances.

I think all you can do is keep repeating that your children were specifically named in the will because they were close to the deceased.

They didn’t choose to leave money to every relative, just specifically to these two named people. Obviously their intention was to give money to your kids.

Any nastiness, just keep replying that your kids are honouring the deceased’s wishes; and that as they were close to the deceased it is very insensitive to keep dragging this out and bringing it up again.

This isn’t a situation where an elderly grandparent forgot to include the latest grandkid or something, this is a situation where your kids were the only named beneficiaries and obviously the money is intended for them.

Tbh I’d support both your kids in cutting off -anybody who is hassling them about this, at least for a while.

This. might seem unfair to the exH (clue there is ex) but the the deceased decided who got what. I wouldn't be negotiating with someone who quite likely wouldn't negotiate if they were on the receiving end

Reading the update it seems like the relative left the money to your DC because they visited him/her. Don't let exH or MIL manipulate them into giving away a gift that was intended for them to acknowledge their kindness.

I would suspect that it’s more to do with the obnoxious parent of the cousin than an error they were excluded…

And just in response to the PP who thinks I should keep my nose out, my nose isn’t in by choice 😂 DC asked my advice and I gave it. The messages then started, to me, from the family. I have not replied.

Ok, so you are basically estranged from your ex DH'd family snd your DC have no relationship with the cousin?

Leave it to your ex DH to communicate with his family and step out of it. Has your ex been in touch about this? If he doesn't care, why should you?