To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

If MIL is so bothered then she can adjust for this in her own will. Leaving the cousin +33k compared to other grandchildren.

I think your dc have been named and it was ‘willful’ therefore should be honoured.

If the situation was that older son and cousin had both put time and energy into visiting this older family connection and helping him in his later years, but the younger son hadn't done that, then yes, I'd expect the younger son not to be upset that he didn't get the same windfall as his brother and cousin.

I don't think it would have any CGT consequences, by the way, but I am not a tax expert. I suspect the only tax involved would be inheritance tax, but given the age of those involved that's probably not much of a concern.

Can you ask to see a copy of the will? (Are theyonline somewhere?) I think the date it was made is the crucial point. If it was written before the cousin was born, it might be that the relation just never thought to update it to include them (a decent solicitor / will writer would have worded it to include children as yet unborn, but maybe the relation did a "write your own" will). In that case I can see the unfairness to the cousin and might encourage your DC to give them something, though not in the way that has been suggested and it is not an obligation,

If, however, the will was made after the birth of the cousin (and the relation was aware of that birth), then it was the relation's deliberate intention to leave them out, for whatever reason. Perhaps the relation disliked the cousin's parents, or thought your own DC would get more benefit from the money. Perhaps they wanted to show their gratitude to your DC for the grass-cutting and visits - not the cousin's fault for not having a relationship with the relation, as they are a child, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles. It was the relation's decision, they were entitled to leave their money however they chose, and your DC have absolutely no responsibility to change that.

What's the point of a will, if people think others should feel obliged to alter its stated wishes after the writer’s death, to suit their own ideas of "fairness"?

It sounds like you have a couple of nice, polite children who went round to an elderly sick extended member of family and helped out, and this relative ended up having a soft spot for them. Their good deed has been recognised.

The relative left it mostly to charity because they probably saw your in-laws for what they are and felt they didn’t deserve it. They did however feel your DC deserve it.

If it was your exFIL or MIL leaving the money I might think differently, but it’s not. It’s extended in law family. It might as well be your elderly neighbour who you’ve been nice to.

Making your eldest hand over the bulk now is an absolute NO.

Personally I think it’s a big fat NO. You don’t have the funds to bung your DC money to help in the future and this is perhaps their one chance to get on the property ladder. Your ex should be sticking up for them.

It’s actually non of their business.

This.
The deceased decided who they wanted their money to go to. It was absolutely their right to do that, and no-one gets to override it after their death.
Your MIL might not like it, but it's not her will and not her money.

Surely in asking for a share of the money on the grounds of fairness for the cousin, somebody in the family must have mentioned when the will was actually written?

If it was written before the birth if the cousin, they may have a point I suppose, as lots of people forget to update wills. But if it was written if updated recently, then that is very explicit.

I’ve changed my mind having read you updated
the fact your kids cut the grass for them and pop into see them does change it for me
and the fact they left there sibling nothing and rest to charity does indicate they knew exactly what they were doing rather than leaving money to some distant relative who left because they had no one else

I have 2 cousins on my Mum's side of the family. I was left money by my grandmother's cousin, in her Will but my 2 cousins weren't. My parents would take me to visit my grandmother's cousin, as she lived a few doors down from my grandmother on the same street. My cousin's parents on the other hand, never bothered with my grandmother's cousin, and didn't take their children to visit her.

My grandmother's cousin clearly appreciated my parents visiting and taking me with them. My grandmother received a small monetary inheritance, as did my Mum and my Dad a picture from the cousin as well, the rest went to charity.

Your children OP, were clearly thought of well by the person who passed away. They appreciated what your children chose to do for them. The other cousin's contact with this person, would have wholly depended on their parents, taking her/him to see this person. We can only concluded, that the parents didn't bother, as in my cousin's case.

Not really, and it makes a lot of assumptions. Firstly that the decision to share or not share has anything to do with the OP. It doesn’t, the money is bequeathed to the OPs children, not the OP.And the OP makes it clear that she abides by her childrens decisions, whatever they might be.

that the cousins are willing to share, and share equally

that they would all stick to the agreement

that nothing will happen to any of the cousins before any money was distributed, eg incapacitating illness, or even death.

And supposing in the meantime the pushy parent of the youngest cousin has another child, will they then expect the money to be split four ways? They sound crazy enough to suggest it!

I did.

but if these were my boys I would encourage them to share their totally unexpected good fortune with their cousin, in the way I have described.
That would be classed as financial coercion/abuse and is a crime.

Neither the OP's children nor the younger cousin are blood relatives of the deceased as this is a relative by marriage. It's obvious that OP's children were included in the will because they maintained a relationship with this relative and helped them when they were ill.

The deceased was obviously fond of OP's children and the fact that the rest of the estate went to charity is a very clear sign that they disliked the rest of the family and actively did not want them to benefit from their will.

What is this weird vestment scheme of inheritance that you ex MIL has proposed?! It’s like a Ponzi scheme.

Anyway, none of her business and it is your child’s money. Go no contact with them. Doesn’t sound like it would be much of a loss.

Hope your children make good use of the money.

I don’t know the answers to some of this eg what relationship the deceased had with the cousin/cousin’s parents. One of the parents is a nutter - think physically assaulting me in a bar because I was seen talking to a man whilst still married (innocently, not that it actually matters). I don’t see them as the caring, visiting type but I’ve thankfully been divorced long enough not to have much understanding of current family dynamics.

Ex PIL don’t favour the cousin, to my knowledge. It’s certainly not a worry my DC have ever mentioned. They are younger and so ex PIL do still assist with childcare I think whereas obviously my DC are older and don’t need it.

Absolutely bloody no! The will was specific. The key here is the “EX”…EXH, EXMIL etc. All your exH will do is alienate his own kids, so stand firm - I agree with another commenter, there will be more to the deceased’s decision making than there seems. Don’t back down!

I agree with the PP who put the MiL can redress the balance in her own will . You can even prewarn your DC that this may well happen and thats fine hopefully its well in the future and your DC will be established by then ..

I find this tricky.
I don't think MIL should be pressuring your eldest to give his cousin the majority of his inheritance.

If all the cousins were over 18 and there was no obvious reason to anyone why the youngest cousin had been excluded, and all cousins had good relationships, then I think rebalancing would be the best.

However that's not the situation and expecting the eldest DC to make everything square while waiting years on the expectation that his sibling will give him more money is too convoluted and fraught with potential ways for it to go wrong and leave your eldest in an unfair position.

I think that eldest could choose to gift cousin a portion (say £10k of their £50k). And when youngest turns 18 they could choose to do the same. Or MIL could be told that if she feels so strongly about youngest cousin being left without that she can gift them £50k herself (either now or in her will).

A will is a will. I’d block the ex’s family.

The DCs inheriting and the cousin are related to the deceased - it is a great aunt or uncle situation.

It is the OP who is the in-law.

@IfIHadAHeart have you not seen this will?

Why are you avoiding mentioning the date it was written?

OP has said

'The relative is actually an in law of my ex PIL - their spouse died many years ago and they remained close afterwards.'

So OP's DC and the cousin aren't blood relatives of the deceased.

I’m not avoiding anything - I expressly said I don’t know when the will was written. The deceased only passed away a matter of days ago. I am not close enough to the family to have seen it, I have only been told of the contents by my exH. Probate has not yet been granted, obviously, and so I cannot search for the will online.

Not sure if anyone’s said this but I would want to know when the will was written. If it was before the cousin was born I think I’d share, if after then no.
I know the person had time to update it but they may have thought it was to be shared among that family later without naming specifically.

The deceased was married to FILs brother, who passed away many years ago.

But clearly it’s not up to OP anyway. But yeah that would be the advice I’d give to my children

Ah sorry