To think DS and I are not in the wrong? Will related…

[IfIHadAHeart]

A relative of my exH died recently and has left a fairly substantial inheritance to my DCs. This has some as a complete surprise. One of my DCs is over 18 but the other is not.

The relative has not left anything to my DCs cousin. No idea why, or whether the will might even predate the cousin’s birth. If so, there were still many years in which to update the will if the relative had wanted to, and they were of sound mind throughout.

exMIL believes my DC should split their inheritance with the cousin. She believes my eldest DC should give the majority of their share to the cousin upon receiving the money, and that my youngest DC should then top up eldest when they turn 18 and can access the funds.

Eldest DC has said no, with my backing. I’m now getting rather unpleasant messages from my exH, MIL and SIL (parent of the excluded cousin) about the unfairness of it all and that my DC are selfish.

AIBU to support eldest DC to stand their ground?

It's sad that the cousin got excluded, but it's not for the IL's to demand a variation. If the cousin is the youngest, why should they get an inheritance sooner and before they're 18? What if your youngest DC decided at 18 that they don't want to top up their sibling? You can't force them to. As unfair as it may seem, it's for your DC to decide, as they are the beneficiaries.

I wonder if it was the other way around , and the cousin inherited, would the ex sister in law/mother in law, be willing to give to your two?

Exactly.

Of course they wouldn't!

Stand firm behind your children OP. I know you will. It's legally their money and no-one has the right to tell them what to do with it.

If relationships break down between your DC and their father's family, so be it. That will be entirely your ex's family's doing.

Given that these are your ex’s family and nothing much to do with you, I would say, no, sorry.

However, is your MIL a) spiteful, b) loaded and c) near to end of life and hence likely to exclude your DCs when the time comes?

It’s up to the adults surrounding the excluded DC to make this “fair”. Are they expecting your DS to bank transfer a wad of actual cash to a parent who - let’s be honest - may not even give it to the DC who as a young child will be ignorant of all the events. Money, sadly, can make even the nicest people turn bad. And it sounds like these relatives aren’t even nice.

Its a hard no from me.

Recieving unearned money really does bring out such basic greed in people.

If one of your children had been the excluded one I’m sure they’d feel there was an injustice, but as they are the ones to benefit it’s all mine mine mine.

Lovely.

Absolutely correct to stand by your 18 year old in deciding what he want to do with his inheritance.

if exh ex MIL are concerned about the cousins, they can make adjustments to their own wills

In general, I wouldn't ever give money to anyone who demands it.

Fuck 'em all. They sound like the type of people who wouldn't give you a pound if it was the other way around.

While it may seem unfair it’s up to your eldest dc. So not sure why you’re getting the messages. I hope they’re not also hassling your dc about it.

id be blocking your ex mil and SIL. And I’d be telling the ex that he’ll be getting blocked as well if he keeps it up.

Id support your dc and tell them it’s their choice and they shouldn’t feel pressured.

It depends if your DC had a relationship with them that would be the deciding factor

was it some childless distant relative who left it to your 2 because they had no one else I would share

also if the will was made before the cousin was born i would

If my mum pressured me at 18 to give away an inheritance I’d unexpectedly received I don’t think I’d ever forgive her. Tell your in laws to sod off. Please support your children in this. If they were happy to share then fine but the eldest isn’t (presumably because they can see the value in the money and what they can do with it for a head start in life) and the youngest isn’t old enough to decide.

What if you go along with exMIL plan and DS gives £33k with your other son planning to top him back up when he’s 18 but then at age 18 he decides no it’s my inheritance I want it all to do XYZ with? Then your oldest is left with the least amount. If exMIL is so concerned with the cousin getting a share she can take it from anything she was left.

I would follow that persons wishes, they obviously like your children and wanted to leave it to them, otherwise they would have said to all nieces and nephews. Don’t risk falling out with your son by passing on what mil said anymore. Tell husband to tell mil that person clearly did not want to leave anything to x otherwise they would have been included and it’s not being shared. Then Ignore mil and if that child’s parents come over, do not open the door or let them in. Especially as you know they have form for not being nice. I feel sorry for your son who is being pressured.

Can I just say that your DD is being very sensible to not be bullied by people.
I am not sure also why anyone is texting you. I'd persinally be replying to all ex relatives saying they can speak to your ExH and stop contacting you on this matter. It really nothing to do with you.
If the cousins were close then I can see how this may be something to consider. But not at all in the way proposed. And of course no one can make younger DC do anything at this point. So if anything were to happen I'd propose it would be done when both DC are of an age to make the decision together.
But it doesn't sound like they are particularly close. So if DS doesn't want to do it then that's absolutely fine. As PP have said people can level it out in other wills

Wills are not about being fair - it’s about the deceased’s wishes. Otherwise there would be no need for a Will - it could just be managed by the laws of intestacy.

It certainly doesn’t automatically make you a good person to split the Will against the deceased’s wishes. Easily manipulated and pressured perhaps. Of course, there may be instances when it would be the right thing to do.

But your youngest wasn’t born yet, which is different. Wills would normally stipulate ‘all’ grandchildren for example at time of death rather than naming them individually to save wills having to be updated every time new grandchild is born

@IfIHadAHeart do you know why your DC were specifically named?

The point of a will is to follow-through the wishes of the deceased.

It may not be to everyone's else wishes, but that's the point it is not suppose to be.

Would you tell your children to share with your own nephew/niece?

This is true, esp if written by a professional, but perhaps could be overlooked if not.
Or it could be intentional with the deceased only wanting it to go to OP’s children whether written by a solicitor or not. And so the Will should be followed.

Obviously the date of the Will would make a difference if written after the excluded cousin was born.

Did your ex properly financially support you and the children after you split? And if not could this be why the relative decided to redress your ex husband's previous treatment of your family?

In any event your children are not obliged to give their inheritance away.

That's us not enough info here to know if YABU - e.g:

Is the cousin close to your DC?

Do you ever see your ex's family anymore?

What is the situation - are you remarried? Does your ex have more kids?

How old is the cousin?

What relationship do your DC want with this cousin going forwards?

When was the will written? You say you don't actually know this. I would have thought this was quite key!

E.g if the cousin is 15 and the will was written a couple of years ago, then it would seem that the relative has specifically left the cousin out and you probably have to respect that decision.

But if the cousin is a baby or very young child and the will written years ago, it's reasonable to assume the relative just forgot to update the will.

I assume these are the only 3 cousins in the family?

Whst does your ex husband have to say about all this? It's his relatives after all!

Same for me - I would find a way to split 3 ways. Presuming all 3 DCs had a similar relationship with the relative and all were decent.
It isn’t a fair world but sometimes we get a chance to make things more fair.
however it is your DCs choice

There is likely to be a reason for the exclusion that you’re not aware of

It's your children's money, your elder child is not willing to share and the younger one can't touch his and why should he share? They were specifically named it wasn't left to all grandchildren or whatever the relationship is (too complicated for me) it sounds like it was very deliberately left to your children, just ignore the ex relations.

Do not split it as it’s not your decision as not your money. There’s a reason people were excluded.

Where is the ex/father in all of this?

Of course the will should be honoured.

Otherwise what’s the point of writing one?

I would make an exception for cases where, for example, a dependent is left in hardship. There is an option to contest a will in those situations, but I’d hope beneficiaries would be compassionate in cases where someone who really should have been provided for has been overlooked.

But in general it’s not for the family ‘elders’ to make posthumous decisions based on their values and opinions.

My parents made me do something similar at that age, I never knew the amounts involved , it felt like the right decision at the time but ultimately I wish I had been consulted a bit more as I don't have a relationship with that side of the family now anyway and have not had any help on the money front at all since despite having a few sticky moments when it would have been helpful!