Only child says he doesn’t want a sibling – would this influence your decision?

[NorthernDaydreamer]

My DS is 8 and an only child. Recently, myself and his dad have started considering whether we might want a second child, although we’re very much undecided at the moment.
I asked him how he would feel about having a brother or sister, and he was very clear that he doesn’t want one. He even said that if I had a baby, he would want me to have it adopted!
Obviously, I know he’s only 8 and this isn’t his decision to make, but it’s made me think about how a second child would affect him and whether it’s fair to change the family dynamic when he’s so happy as an only child.
He’s used to having our attention and being the only child in the family, and I wonder whether he’d struggle with sharing us, particularly given that he’d be quite a bit older than a new baby.
At the same time, I know children can feel differently once a sibling actually arrives, and I’m not expecting him to make this decision for us.

I’m interested to hear from other parents of only children. If you considered having a second, did your child’s feelings influence your decision at all? And if you went on to have another, how did your older child adjust?

He’s awaiting an AUDHD diagnosis if that’s relevant.

My cousin had a son when her daughter was 10. Her daughter was jealous of her brother, and him coming along made her insecure and to a degree to feel that she 'wasn't enough'. A much younger child, would have likely adapted much quicker to having a new sibling, whereas it took her much longer.

Yes, they grew up in the same household, but due to the age difference, they were poles apart in everything else. By the time the son reached aged 10, she was a 20 year old adult, leading her own life.

You need to be aware that the potential age difference, will impact both children. The sibling bond may take longer to develop, and it might not really take shape until the youngest is in their late teens.

My cousin's daughter is now 41, and her brother 31. They're close now, more so as he's become a Dad for the second time recently.

I know an adult who doesn’t have siblings because she didn’t want them and her parents listened to her. She now has a lot of regret and her mum puts pressure on her to do a lot and there are no siblings to help.

My son's feelings would have no bearing on my decision to go ahead or not. How much time has he actually spent with babies to know what they are like? And even so, they are only babies for such a short period of time. He's had 8 years of your undivided attention and will be becoming more independent when you have a toddler so I wouldn't be worried about them not having the same interests. Also, an 8 year old wouldn't be dictating my life choices.

Aside from asking him (which would only give you more problems), I would not consider having another child if I knew my first was AuDHD. Genetics means the second could have more severe challenges than the first (and would certainly present severe challenges to the first). Plus you would be prolonging your ties to the school year in terms of holidays, GCSEs, mock exams, etc. by 8+ years!

My sister is 10yrs older than me and left home at 17. I really don’t remember living with her at all. We’re not close in any way

I don't think you should have asked him. But since you did he's made his feelings clear so I think you should leave things as they are.

Why did you leave it so long to "start" thinking about a second child? This is quite a big age gap.

There's 8 years between me and my younger brother, and apparently I was furious about it. I wouldn't help, I tried to put him in the bin etc etc. I don't remember any of this, but it was clearly extremely disruptive!

To answer your question, no, a person with an immature brain does not get to have any input into my family planning.

There is a 12 & 13 year age gap between my eldest 2 DC and DC3.

They worship the ground he walks on.

We didnt tell them until I was 20 weeks pregnant incase of issues as they were old enough to understand if something went wrong & we wanted to spare them any pain if we had to terminate for medical reasons but they were so happy when we told them.

We never spoke to them about having another sibling before we started trying but I imagine they wouldn't have been that impressed.

I wouldnt listen to much your ds says about this right now as the constantly change their mind about everything at his age & my oldest DC could not do more for their sibling if they tried. Despite having such a big age gap they genuinely cant remember life without him (he is 8 now) & they wouldnt change a thing.

DC1 has already said that when he moves out he will be having a bedroom just for DC3 for when he visits & stays over (luckily DC1's partner loves DC3 too & agrees!).

Why did you leave it so long to "start" thinking about a second child? This is quite a big age gap.

What an odd question. There aren't rules on when you should have children.

I had three ,then a ten year gap and another
Definitely didn't ask the children if they wanted a sibling..they would all of absolutely said no ...I think most children would say no
When's he's an adult.. hopefully they have a good relationship together
It's got be what you ,his parents want
You giving him to much power there ..it's definitely not his decision to make

It's a big age gap, the only experience I have of this is my Mum and her sister- there was 8 years between them, and my Mum really resented having to help look after her and the way it affected her relationship with her Mum, on the other hand later in life they were very close and relied on each other a lot.

I may as well have been an only for all the help and support I got caring and then arranging my parents funerals. I have 1 sibling who lives a 2 minute walk away that I haven't seen or spoken to for a year and 1 that lives overseas and I very rarely get in contact with. I don't miss either of them if I'm honest.

My son was 9 and a half when we had his baby brother.
He wasn't thrilled about the possibility of having a sibling initially, however we included him in the pregnancy by taking him to scans etc and always being positive and reassuring him that the baby wasn't going to replace him.
He did struggle a bit when the baby was first born and took up a lot of our time whilst we adapted, but we made sure to always make time for him and to keep things going the same as usual as much as possible. He now loves having a baby brother and is so proud, always showing him off to his friends and checking on him, he is the best big brother and it is lovely to see 🧡

I think an 8+ year age gap between siblings is too great. My DH is 5 and 7 years younger than his sisters and he is at completely different life stages than them, so a relationship has never been easy. I myself was 17 when my little brother was born. I would not recommend it.

How is 5 yrs older a different life stage , it may be when they are children but once you hit adulthood it’s nothing at all . My eldest sister is 4.5 yrs older than me and we do loads together . If you aren’t going to get along with your siblings age gap has very little to do with it .

They get along, just always at different life stages, eg by the time we had kids theirs were much older and they weren't interested in babies anymore. It could also be the different genders.

There is a six year and a twelve year gap between me and my two siblings. I wasn’t particularly close to either when I was a child; they are my best friends now. How you feel at 8 isn’t necessarily, or even likely, to last. Whatever you decide, it shouldn’t be up to an 8 year old who cannot really imagine their future.

If you need a child to make your mind up probably best to stay on the pill.

I also think 8 years is too old to start “thinking” about it - he’d be nearer 10 when a sibling might be born.

Honestly what’s the point at that stage - the whole point and benefit of siblings is to grow up together - a 10 year old is just starting to become independent and looking for life experiences away from their parents he isn’t going to want to play with a baby. You aren’t going to have days out or holidays as a family. You will have children at completely different stages of their lives

So much judgement about the OP not having had a second child earlier.

It hasn't been easy over the past few years - the pandemic affected so much in 2020-2021, and people have had a lot more job insecurity and housing insecurity than they might have expected. Nursery fees have gone up by so much. Maybe they just haven't been in a position to have a second child until now.

Yes, I would take current children's feelings into account. How everyone in the household feels about another baby would be a big part of the decision.

I wouldn't have asked such a direct question though, because now, if you do have a child it will feel to him like you don't care what he thinks. I think it's better to gauge how they feel in less direct ways and with questions that generate less black and white responses. Partly to make it a much less concrete idea in their mind and also to get a better picture to their reactions to all the nuances of what a sibling would mean.

I think a lot of people are responding to the age gap, which isn’t what you asked about. Nor is it relevant if others told their child they were pregnant and their older child “wasn’t thrilled”. For the record, I don’t think the age gap is too great: but your son actively doesn’t want a sibling and has said some fairly extreme things to show how much he doesn’t want one.

Is there some particular reason you want another baby so badly? I haven’t seen you mention it.

omg! My boys got on brilliantly when they were younger. Giving them siblings was definitely a gift for them. They’re 18-24 now and having 2 other brothers definitely gives them some sense of security and “fall back”. They argue sometimes but if anyone else criticises a bro they get torn down.

@NorthernDaydreamer you and H need to decide if you’d like another child. That’s all.

That's a bit harsh - 8 is old enough to understand what a having a baby around would mean. When they're young you can fluff it up for them and they'll probably be quite close or at least have an over lap in interests or age appropriate activities. Almost 10 and a newborn?? Not so much.

I'm 38 and my parents still remind me how much I hated being around babies and young kids from as young as @NorthernDaydreamer son is, right up until my mid 20s. I wasn't an only child either and I wasn't unpleasant or spoilt - if anything I was a "people pleaser" but I wouldn't have coped with a much younger sibling at that age I don't think.