Only child says he doesn’t want a sibling – would this influence your decision?

[NorthernDaydreamer]

My DS is 8 and an only child. Recently, myself and his dad have started considering whether we might want a second child, although we’re very much undecided at the moment.
I asked him how he would feel about having a brother or sister, and he was very clear that he doesn’t want one. He even said that if I had a baby, he would want me to have it adopted!
Obviously, I know he’s only 8 and this isn’t his decision to make, but it’s made me think about how a second child would affect him and whether it’s fair to change the family dynamic when he’s so happy as an only child.
He’s used to having our attention and being the only child in the family, and I wonder whether he’d struggle with sharing us, particularly given that he’d be quite a bit older than a new baby.
At the same time, I know children can feel differently once a sibling actually arrives, and I’m not expecting him to make this decision for us.

I’m interested to hear from other parents of only children. If you considered having a second, did your child’s feelings influence your decision at all? And if you went on to have another, how did your older child adjust?

He’s awaiting an AUDHD diagnosis if that’s relevant.

Of course his potential diagnosis is relevant! You’re asking a probably autistic 8 year old how they feel about a hypothetical scenario they have no lived experience of and that effectively involves imagining being someone else. It also involves considerable change and upheaval in the life of someone who probably relies on routine. What kind of helpful response were you anticipating?!

I think you were very unwise to even ask him because now you’ve given him the impression his opinion matters when really this should be a decision between two adults - I wouldn’t have told him anything at all until I’d had a 12 week pregnancy scan.

My (autistic) DD has always said she doesnt want a brother or sister from being very young. We didn't want another one anyway for various reasons, but I suppose it did add to our decision a bit

My advice would be not to give the power of making fundamental decisions about your life to your 8 year old! There’s a danger sometimes with only children that they begin to regard themselves as the fulcrum on which everything and everyone else balances - the most important person in the family. The responsibility is too much for a child to carry, and not healthy, if that is what happens. (I speak from experience as an only child, btw!)

I know a family with that kind of age gap, it has always been a nightmare planning family activities, and even now they are older, they have no interest in each other. And, in arguments, the older child has said the younger one ruined her life. It was said in the heat of the moment, but I'll bet she actually felt that to be true.

Immature response, the child is 8. He is a only who has never known anything else. He was asked a question and he gave a honest reply. Calling him Immature and entitled is nasty.
I would not have asked the question in the first place, as I would not let him dictate. It will change your life and his though.

I've not got any comments on your question OP but I noticed you said "myself and his dad" and I've noticed people saying myself instead of I or me absolutely everywhere. When did this start to become usual speech?

Anyway don't want to derail the thread and this isn't Pedants Corner, but to add there's 8 years between me and my brother and no issues there at all. Good luck.

Also do bear in mind, as I’m sure you have, that if your first child is autistic, it may well be the case for the second one also. There are many families on MN, and elsewhere, where there are two or more autistic children, often with quite different profiles and needs. You may be fine with that, but do go into this next stage of life with your eyes open.

I have had 3 close extensive friendships or relationships with ''only childs'' as adults. My opinion is they are ''different'' from people who have had siblings - and not in a good way generally - they are very self centred and even entitled - as would be expected!

I hate posts like these. There will always be either a cow or well meant twat that comes along and makes reference to 'only' children being over endulged self centered horror. Ffs. Yes, some are, but having siblings DOESN'T guarantee that your child will be sweetness and light. My dd is an 'only', not through choice and us poor bastards with secondary infertility have to read/listen to this insensitive, smug bullshit. Oddly enough, my dd never wanted a sibling which was just as well as i couldn't give her one. She's lovely, kind and generous, sociable too! Have a nice day, you know who you are

So the child needs to be told you are having a sibling you just have to put up with it?

Its a difficult age gap. Hes going to have nothing in common with the baby & you will constantly be struggling to find age appropriate activities they can both enjoy.

But him not wanting to share you? Irrelevant, selfishness is a trait you want to work on reducing anyway!

Yeah thats life!!

Yes.
The entire world does not run to the wishes on a child.

im sorry, but in my world, an 8 year old would not get to rule over big life decisions. I would take it into account but it would not be my deciding factor.

a friend of mine told me that she’d issued her dad and his new wife an ultimatum at a similar age that if they had children she would cut off contact. I found that manipulative and quite unpleasant. Yes, I know she was a child but too much power??

Thats way to big of an age gap. He will be ten when baby is here. Sorry op but this is a terrible idea.

I wouldn't have another, no. For many reasons, not least the planet is screwed and the future is so bleak. Stick with one. Don't ruin the life he has, by an unknown.

That's not unusual.

I have an only child, also 8, and yes I would consider her opinion. We have a lovely life, she has a lovely life and it would all be massively disrupted by another child. Honestly, I don't really understand why people do it. I know a handful of people who have good relationships with their siblings, but most people I know don't

Well that sounds very much like you don't put your family first- not your kid anyway- desiring a baby when your only child is 8 is purely an adult want, it's not for the benefit of the existing child

Starting high school can be a big deal for many kids- this boy could do it against the chaos of a toddler at home. Not good.

Regardless of his opinion, I think that would be a big gap and tricky to manage with two neurotypical children and a first-born who was keen for a sibling. I have to say, in view of his likely/potential AuDHD, I personally wouldn’t.

My oldest probably has this (diagnosed ASD, suspected ADHD). We didn’t know this at the point where we decided to have a second DC (almost 5 years between them), although we had concerns about DC1 then. Having a second has been wonderful for us as parents, and I think it has done DC1 good in a lot of ways.

While I don’t regret our decision, life would definitely have been easier if we’d stuck with DC1 and it is getting increasingly difficult to meet both their needs as DC1 needs so much time and support from us. AuDHD can put a lot of strain on family life.

And some of it is thinking about life beyond the baby stage - how will you manage on a wet Saturday when only one of you is available and one child wants to do something that doesn’t work for the other? How will you manage two different schools and sets of activities with what will be effectively a 9 year age gap? What will you do if DC2 has a similar condition or a higher level of need?

Who cares what he wants? Seriously this has nothing to do with him!

I totally agree with the poster that said that children are for us not each other. Some siblings get on brilliantly, some don't. Some only children are selfish, some aren't. Some youngest children are selfish and some aren't. It will totally change his life though so I can see why he has an opinion. He probably would have done, even if you hadn't asked because (in my experience anyway) it is something that kids ponder.

Are you older parents? Have you considered the risk of another DC with additional needs (poss more severe) and how this would affect your current DC? If it were me I wouldn’t.

I simply cannot believe that you flat out asked him. Could you not have chatted about friends of his and their siblings? Whatever you choose to do, eight years is a big difference but it can be done.

And the other way around. Having a teenage boy, with friends, noisy music, gaming, staying up later while trying to get a 4-5 year old to bed early would be not great either. 10 years is a large age gap and their needs vastly different.