Only child says he doesn’t want a sibling – would this influence your decision?

[NorthernDaydreamer]

My DS is 8 and an only child. Recently, myself and his dad have started considering whether we might want a second child, although we’re very much undecided at the moment.
I asked him how he would feel about having a brother or sister, and he was very clear that he doesn’t want one. He even said that if I had a baby, he would want me to have it adopted!
Obviously, I know he’s only 8 and this isn’t his decision to make, but it’s made me think about how a second child would affect him and whether it’s fair to change the family dynamic when he’s so happy as an only child.
He’s used to having our attention and being the only child in the family, and I wonder whether he’d struggle with sharing us, particularly given that he’d be quite a bit older than a new baby.
At the same time, I know children can feel differently once a sibling actually arrives, and I’m not expecting him to make this decision for us.

I’m interested to hear from other parents of only children. If you considered having a second, did your child’s feelings influence your decision at all? And if you went on to have another, how did your older child adjust?

He’s awaiting an AUDHD diagnosis if that’s relevant.

I’m not sure I would at that age, he could be 10 when the baby arrives and that’s a big age gap that will completely change family dynamics. They won’t be in to the same days out and holidays, he’ll be too old for toddler suitable activities but younger child will be too young for things he’d enjoy.

Agree with above. In theory it isnt up to him and he doesnt understand life decisions in the way you do. However with that age gap it would alter all of your lives more than a smaller age gap. Activities, holidays, everything.

Sorry OP I think it was a bit of a mistake to ask him, as it will be bad if you ask him and then effectively ignore his response, he will feel worse than if you'd not asked him at all.

I'd think with his diagnosis he will find things harder than a NT big sibling as well- he may struggle with the change more I imagine he won't like the loud crying etc.

I agree it’s not up to him, that said it’s a big gap so I doubt I’d be arsed. He does sound quite spoiled and unpleasant though so perhaps the world not revolving around him wouldn’t be a bad thing ultimately

Here is my view which is not very popular on here.

I think children are for us. Not their siblings. When you have a child you split resources, time and money. No baby should be born as some sort of ‘gift’ to the other child or children. Some siblings get on but others really don’t and it is pot luck.

So in short, no!

Why ask your child this question? I mean he's had his entire life without a sibling and so he can't probably imagine it.
I hate my sister when she was born (slightly smaller age gap). Then she was ok for a few years then a PITA as a teen and now we are best friends ! You just cannot make these decisions as a kid

I wouldn’t have had that discussion in the first place I’m afraid. Yes, I know it’s too late know, but I think it’s an adult decision, not one to run past an 8 year old who won’t be able to think it through logically. What are you going to do if they say no but you’ve already decided yes ?
My brother has an 11 year old and an 18 year old, they adore each other .

I think a sibling is what he needs.
He is sounding selfish and entitled.

God no, why would you leave a life decision up to a child.
Bloody hell.

I think now that you have asked him you have to take his opinion into consideration. If you are just going to ignore his opinion then you should never have asked him.

I think he's probably right, that a new baby is going to make his life a fair bit worse and not be especially rewarding as there's too big an age gap.

It's not that I'd let an 8yo make major life decisions for the family, but I would always consider the well-being of the dc I had before the dc I didn't have.

Honestly, I feel like you've probably missed the boat for a traditional sibling relationship here. All that's going to happen is that you'll start again with the baby and your elder dc will get less from you.

Agree completely with this. I understand you wanted to take his feelings into consideration but he's not old enough to understand "we did consider your feelings but we decided to go against them because of XYZ."

It is a big gap but not as big as the one between my eldest and youngest (nearly 14 years) although I did have another one in between.
It does change the family, obviously, but ultimately it is your and your husband's decision to make. I don't really understand why you asked your son what he wanted when it's not up to him.
Agree with another poster that he does sound very spoiled and I think it's easy to do when they're an only child but it doesn't have to be that way.
At the end of the day it's up to you and your husband, not your child if you have another baby.

I agree with other posters, it’s not his disicion so you really shouldn’t have asked his opinion. But personally after such a big age gap I don’t think I could be bothered. They aren’t going to have a close sibling bond until they are older as they are going through different life stages. If you want another baby then go for it nobody knows what family life is like for you!

Will you come on in the future and complain they have nothing to do with each other or fight? How would it be are on thr first born or the new child?

Sure you both want onw for you two but what is best?

We didn’t actually ask him as such but mentioned and wondered how he would feel about it.
He said he hates babies and their noise.

So the sipling will be apparently part to fix what you think is wrong with a current child? How on earth is that fair on the poor unborn child?

I was that child. I really, really did not want a sibling. In the end my Mum and Dad did try for another child and they unfortunately lost the baby at around 18 weeks I think, and I feel horrible saying this because clearly as an adult now I appreciate this is a terrible thing to say but I was relieved as an 8/9 year old. I really did not want a sibling. (Obviously I never voiced this at the time, I wasn’t that horrible)! I hated babies and the noises they made and my Mum and Dad then decided not to have any more and I ended up being an only child, which suited me just fine. But then I’ve always been extremely introverted, I like my own space and peace and quiet and I’ve never really even needed or wanted friends. I think it really depends on your child and the family dynamics.

I have a 10 year gap between my own two dc, funny enough. My dd is completely different to me though and always wanted a sibling, always very outgoing and surrounded by friends etc. I had fertility issues and it took me a long time to conceive both my dc so hence the gap - Ds arrived when dd was 10. It’s actually been great as there’s no jealousy, dd loves Ds, they’re very close (23 and 13 now). I think different things work for different families and people.

The age hap wouldnt bother me. I know plenty of families where there is a 10 yo 13 year age gap between 1st and 2nd child.
I echo what others have said, I think you are completely wrong to ask an eight year old about an afult decision.

Im wondering if you generally treat him older than his years and he listens to adult discussions with him being an 'only'.

We made a point of keeping grown up talk for when the kids were in bed. By grown up talk I mean talking about money, moving house, etc. Children can really misinterpret things they dont understand.

Agree with every word of this.

My goodness why would you ask a child this?!?! Now you are either forced to ignore him and allow that resentment into your relationship/ the sibling relationship, and or you listen to him and have an 8year old , who is not mature enough nor actually involved enough to have a merited place in this particular decision making process, dictate your lives and leave the two of you questioning if you did the right thing.

If I’d already let the cat out and placed the burden of the decision partly on his head I would now listen to him I think. It would be the more wrong of two wrongs to go ahead against his wishes imo.

It's not up to him. Personally in that situation I would go ahead but it's up to you as parents to decide what's best for your family.

You shouldn’t have asked him. It’s a completely inappropriate question for an 8yo. Very much hope he forgets and doesn’t spend his life worrying that what he said at 8 was the thing that determined whether or not he had a sibling.

Make your decision and take responsibility for it. Don’t put it on your child, who has absolutely no idea what it’s like to have a sibling and may feel differently in a year anyway.

My older brother isn’t interested in me at all. He hasn’t spoken to me for 8 years.
I think it’s a really difficult age to introduce a baby. There will be zero common ground. Your 12 year old and 2 year old will have no common interests and one or other of them will be dragged around to the others activities. As soon as you son is old enough to not go along he’ll stay at home alone.

Ouch ... some horrible comments about a young boy here who noone knows.