Only child says he doesn’t want a sibling – would this influence your decision?

[NorthernDaydreamer]

My DS is 8 and an only child. Recently, myself and his dad have started considering whether we might want a second child, although we’re very much undecided at the moment.
I asked him how he would feel about having a brother or sister, and he was very clear that he doesn’t want one. He even said that if I had a baby, he would want me to have it adopted!
Obviously, I know he’s only 8 and this isn’t his decision to make, but it’s made me think about how a second child would affect him and whether it’s fair to change the family dynamic when he’s so happy as an only child.
He’s used to having our attention and being the only child in the family, and I wonder whether he’d struggle with sharing us, particularly given that he’d be quite a bit older than a new baby.
At the same time, I know children can feel differently once a sibling actually arrives, and I’m not expecting him to make this decision for us.

I’m interested to hear from other parents of only children. If you considered having a second, did your child’s feelings influence your decision at all? And if you went on to have another, how did your older child adjust?

He’s awaiting an AUDHD diagnosis if that’s relevant.

Some people like to dish that old trope out about only children as it’s an easy stereotype. I’m one of 5 and would much rather have been an only, believe me! Having siblings isn’t always lovely.

Regarding your question- my Audhd niece who is an only was always adamant she didn’t want a sibling despite being good with little kids. I think it came from a genuine fear that the child would steal her toys/take up her place which is to do with the black and white thinking associated with autism. I think she could have adapted to a sibling but in the end didn’t have to and her parents were probably relieved as they didn’t have to manage two ND children as that can be hard work with just one child. I think it’s fine that you sought his feelings on it- really considerate actually.

I was 10 when my DB was born, and I hated having a sibling.

It didn't help that I was bookish and quiet, and he was a very loud baby who grew into a very boisterous, disruptive toddler.

I'm also autistic.

I think it was a major mistake to ask his opinion on something he shouldn’t have a vote on. What was the point of that? I see you’ve addressed the other people saying this but it’s really not a great plan for anyone else thinking about it.

Given the possible ND of your eldest you’re more likely to have a second with additional needs as well. Balancing two kids in two different stages is tricky enough, adding the extra challenges will be really hard - even if the second is ND it will still be a toddler when your eldest starts high school. They won’t really overlap much but your eldest will have a very different lifestyle at home and with his family. Unless this was a desperate need of yours (and I do understand the feeling), I think it’s quite a risky choice at this stage.

I don’t see your son’s comments as selfish and entitled - he’s just being an honest 8 year old boy with possible autism. Adults find having a baby in the house a very big deal - it’s a stressful, difficult time. I don’t blame him for not wanting the upheaval in his life, especially with his ND.

Honestly, I wouldn’t bring another baby into this household. Is there a particular reason you’re thinking of it now?

In general you have to be very careful about asking other people questions when you've already decided what the only acceptable answer is. It's risky because you don't know how they'll actually answer.

I agree with PP, this is the sort of big decision that adults should make whilst taking the needs of children into account not a decision for a child to directly contribute to. For what it's worth I don't think he sounds particularly spoilt, his not wanting a baby adding to the family isn't unusual at all. Only you know if he's likely to take it badly given that you appeared to be considering his opinion on the matter or if he's likely to come round to it.

Don’t worry about the age gap. My partner and his sister have a 10 year age gap and absolutely adore each other.

I've just remembered that my mother floated the possibility: 'how about if we were going to have a baby'. I remember pulling a face and saying nothing, then feeling relieved when she said it was just a question.

It wasn't just a question 😂but I understood, once the news was finally broken, that she had been trying to prepare the ground. I wasn't impressed at the good news, but I didn't feel angry or anything with my parents.

I put it down to bad luck 😂I picked up that it was a bit of a surprise, though they were unreasonably pleased about it... those were more innocent times.

I'm an only child and never missed out on having a sibling and never wanted one until my dad died at 51, I was 26, my mum was just 50 and I felt a huge responsibility to look after her, but she met someone else 5yrs later so that hasn't been the case

We do have 2 children with a 5yr age gap and my Son was devastated he had a sister, he wouldn't look at her for weeks....they're now 9&4 and he fights with her, they dive each other insane but when she is upset at school he holds her hand and asks if she told them she has a big brother....he is her hero ......my husband has children from his 1st marriage and his youngest was 10 when our son was born....they're his heros and they adore them both ....all the kids (young n older have ADHD, but varying tolerance and behaviours)

Obviously I don’t think it’s up to your son if you have another, but you asked his opinion so that must count now surely. It sounds like too much of an age gap now, and too much change for your son.

We have a 7 year age gap with our kids.This was due to secondary infertility our first born was only grandchild on both sides and niece aswell.When baby arrived they loved it then as baby got older they couldn't be bothered.Now though they are the best of friends and the oldest loves Comin to watch there younger sibling play football etc and also loves to help with santa they feel part of the grown up club.Its totally up to you and your husband what use decide to do.From our life its been great a best friend of mine has an 17 year gap and its also been grand

I’m not close to my sibling at all. Never have been. We don’t argue, but other than our DNA and genes, we have nothing in common. However, I’m sure having a sibling shaped my character in a positive way. Perhaps it helped me learn to share and be more tolerant and independent a little earlier? Who knows? But children can learn those skills without a sibling!
As an adult, I’m at least grateful to have her around as trying to look after both my parents as they age on my own would have been even more difficult. (Not saying this is a selling point for another child, Wahey, another carer! 🥳🤣…. )
My point is…. Children don’t necessarily want a sibling. But it can be good for their development or for support at different stages of life

It's your decision not his. However 8/9 years isn't just an age gap it's almost a second family. They will have nothing in common until they are both adults so his life will be massively impacted by the fact that your life will be ruled by a baby.
Imvho 2 years is the optimum age gap for siblings. It might not suit parents but if children had a choice they would want someone near their own age.

This is not his decision to make however as you’ve asked him I think you are asking for trouble going ahead . FWIW we had our second when our son was 6.5 , we didn’t mention it to him until we were pregnant and it has to be said that he would have preferred to stay an only child and they have really only started to get on as adults .

"We made a point of keeping grown up talk for when the kids were in bed. By grown up talk I mean talking about money, moving house, etc. Children can really misinterpret things they dont understand."

My parents tried to do this without realising we were perfectly capable of creeping out of bed and listening at the top of the stairs.
We learned rather a lot that way.

My eldest was too young to vocalise her feelings but she was never a fan of her siblings. Nearly 20yrs later that hasn’t changed. Awaiting Autism diagnosis…

It didn’t stop me from having more kids. We wanted more children and I was an only child who didn’t miss siblings when I was younger but now that my parents are old I wish I had family to help carry the burden.

An 8 year old‘s opinion wouldn’t stop me.

I wouldn’t have another child in your position. Eggs and sperm are 8 years older and more likely to have damage and mutations. You have a child already with suspected ASD and ADHD. Risk of both increases as parent ages increase. Can you cope with a second child with ASD and ADHD? My DH and I couldn’t so we only had one child, who has ASD and ADHD.

FWIW I wouldn’t take an 8yo’s opinion into account at all about having a child. Having children or not is for the adults to decide. I’m sure my parents didn’t ask my two older brothers if they wanted another sibling.

Why have you waited so long to consider having another child? It’s a big gap. Why would you want to go through the baby, nappies, weaning, toilet training and tantrums stage again when you’ve left it behind? I sure as hell wouldn’t.

I was 7 years old when My parents decided to have another baby. I begged them not to. As many here have said it altered the entire family dynamic. When the new baby was brought home my mother told me I was "jealous because Id had my nose pushed out." My parents were not educated people and did not understand the need to reassure the existing child that they were still loved and wanted.

My sister became the golden child and I the jealous black sheep. My sister and I never got on and are still not close. In later life when I went low contact my parents reaped what they sowed.

There’s a twelve year gap between my autistic stepson who lives with us full time and my daughter and they adored each other growing up and still do.
As I also said upthread there’s a three year gap between my sister and myself and she has resented my existence my whole life. So I don’t think the age gap always has any impact how the older sibling is going to feel. I find the comments from older siblings moaning about their younger siblings being born very strange. It’s not the younger siblings fault and while I understand children feeling this way I don’t understand a grown adult still holding onto this hard done by because you didn’t remain an only child way of thinking .
Sorry I went off on a tangent there. Good luck with your miracle baby x

This is not a choice an 8 yr old should be allowed to make

I think some of the comments are really horrible. I can’t imagine many 8 year olds would be that enthused by a baby. Realistically it will impact on their life and he’s aware enough to voice that. Now I’m sure if the OP was actually pregnant and he had time to get used to the idea, his reaction would probably be different but the OP asked a grown up question and he answered honestly. There’s nothing spoiled about that.

Up till was 5 there was just me and my 2 years older sibling. All ok, we got on well. Then 6 years on my mum had another one. My elder sibling fell out with me, I think he thought i liked the new baby better. We never got on after that. Fast forward another 5 years and another baby came along. So 4 of us spread over 14 years. Overcrowded house. It always seemed to be me and my 6 years younger sister pitched against my elder sibling and my youngest sister.
It was like a battleground most days and my mother made no attempt to try and mediate.
She mostly blamed the breakdown of relations on me. I was just a child.
Decades later it still resonates 😬

I would not have asked your 8 year old child about having a sibling. You mentioned that your 8 year old is currently waiting for an assessment for autism or another condition similar to this. To me getting a child on the assessment route can be hard unless you, teachers ect have noticed things about your child. Your getting them assessed to get them help and to give them the best life possible.
Dealing with a baby and a child with that age gap will be hard as they want different things. Then there is a strong chance that your next child could have autism and have higher needs than your 1st child.
Another thing to consider is that you could have a baby when you child is going into secondary school. Then your child could be doing GCSEs when you have a toddler.

I know kids that have autism. Some of them don't like cry babies and can't understand why toddlers do certain thing's. Some asd kids like quite, calm, don't like someone going near say there Lego ect and would find a baby or toddler hard going on a daily basis.

I know couples that had a 2 nd child and in all cases the 2nd child with autism was worse than the 1st child. In your situation I would not have a 2nd choice child as I think it would just make your lives harder as a couple. It would also have a major impact on your son and you need to get him assessed. You need this assessment done to get the help your son needs going forward. Also the teenaged years can be harder for a child with autism than a nt child.

One of my friends 2nd child was diagnosed with autism aged 3 and it did have a major impact on her older child for a few years. She was trying to get help for the 2nd child but still be there for her 1st child's milestones. She had wanted to try for a child of the opposite sex but realised that this would have been to much for her own physical and mental health. Along with this it would not have been fair on either of her kids. Her oldest child has now left home but her child with autism is now in secondary school. He is doing better than she expected a few years ago but it has been challenging at times. She is glad now that she did not have a 3rd child.

I was in very similar situation, was told another pregnancy was not possible and when our dd was 8 I got pregnant ! We told her before the 20 week scan and she said she didn’t want a brother, so we took her along to the scan and the sonographer told her she was getting a brother ! We kept her involved and when he arrived she was so helpful and we kept her involved but did lots of things just for her. 20 years on they get on brilliantly and are very close

What a load of old bollocks. Of her old school friends my dd is the only only child and the only one not on antidepressants or seeing a therapist of some kind. And at uni she has loads of friends whilst a couple of the others at different unis hardly left their rooms apart from for lectures in their first year.

We really need to ditch these stereotypes, there are so many other factors that shape a character more than how many siblings you have.

No it wouldn’t be a factor.