Only child says he doesn’t want a sibling – would this influence your decision?

[NorthernDaydreamer]

My DS is 8 and an only child. Recently, myself and his dad have started considering whether we might want a second child, although we’re very much undecided at the moment.
I asked him how he would feel about having a brother or sister, and he was very clear that he doesn’t want one. He even said that if I had a baby, he would want me to have it adopted!
Obviously, I know he’s only 8 and this isn’t his decision to make, but it’s made me think about how a second child would affect him and whether it’s fair to change the family dynamic when he’s so happy as an only child.
He’s used to having our attention and being the only child in the family, and I wonder whether he’d struggle with sharing us, particularly given that he’d be quite a bit older than a new baby.
At the same time, I know children can feel differently once a sibling actually arrives, and I’m not expecting him to make this decision for us.

I’m interested to hear from other parents of only children. If you considered having a second, did your child’s feelings influence your decision at all? And if you went on to have another, how did your older child adjust?

He’s awaiting an AUDHD diagnosis if that’s relevant.

Claptrap.
Research has shown this is NOT the case.

If that’s what his parents decide, then yes. Adults make the big decisions because children don’t have the life experience to know or understand all the pros and cons. They shouldn’t have asked him in the first place. (But obviously they would put a positive spin on it and not say "so you’ll just have to put up with it".)

I guess I shouldn’t have mentioned it to him. But I’m worried if we get pregnant then tell him, how he’ll take it as he does really struggle with his emotions and regulating himself at times.

He's a really lovely boy, clever, kind, empathetic with his friends and family, he’s at a tricky stage where he is finding himself like most 8-10 year olds. He’s just moved up to key stage two.
He loves his 2 year old cousin and his older cousins too but he does get frustrated when we are with the 2 year old a while and I can tell he’s relieved to get back to his space away from others. He’s lovely with her when they’re together though.
So I don’t agree with these comments that he is selfish and entitled at all. Perhaps we shouldn’t have mentioned it to him, but it’s too late now, I thought we were doing the right thing.

My nephew is Autistic and an only child. My sister discussed it a lot with us as her family, he’s older now and looking at their life it was the right decision for them not to have anymore children. Our grandmother even said a few weeks ago how he wouldn’t have coped with a sibling at all. He’s a lovely boy and great with his cousins, as far as I know he’s sociable and has friends that come to our family parties with him, but clearly at home he needs to be on his own. I don’t think my sister regrets it at all.
I can understand why you had the conversation with him, in an indirect way. Life with one child is far more centred on them than if you have more. I think only people who have that life or are close to others with it understand. I don’t think you were wrong but I do think you now have to take this into very serious consideration.

You shouldn't ask questions like that unless you're genuinely willing to act on his answer. Now if you have another baby now, he knows his opinion wasn't important enough to sway you. At 10, he's old enough to feel slighted by that. If you hadn't asked and just told him when a baby was coming, he might have been upset but he wouldn't feel the same sting of his opinion being explicitly disregarded. At 10, his emotions about that could be long-lasting and compound over time. It's not like a smaller child where he quickly forgets you asked and moves on.

Ultimately it's your choice not his, of course. But I'd be prepared that the choice could have serious consequences for family relationships.

Whilst I agree with that sentiment, the impact of bringing another child in with such a big age gap and an existing child with potentially complex needs doesn’t sound like a recipe for a happy home tbh and while the kid doesn’t get to decide whether another baby is welcome or not, it’s the parents as well as him who will feel the impact

Agree with the first reply. Just be mindful that a 10 year age gap is not going to be your typical sibling relationship and I imagine your DS might resent the baby. This is your decision, I wouldn't of actually asked your son.

As someone who has suffered secondary infertility for 7 years, who has a son who will turn 9 in January (the same month we are finally due our miracle baby girl) I find these comments about how big age gaps aren’t worth it and how you wouldn’t bother if that was the age gap Highly insensitive and actually irrelevant to the original posters point.
We, including our lovely son, are all so excited for our new arrival. And whilst it may not be everybody’s choice, unfortunately some of us don’t have a choice in how long it takes to fall pregnant with a second.

family is what you make it and I’m sick of reading ‘they won’t get on’ ‘too bigger age gap’. Please think before you type

This was my thought too. I think you really do need to think about what family life will be like if you end up with two autistic children with a large age gap. Is your DH used to having plenty of free time to pursue his own interests because there's currently a lot of time when you are looking after DS and your DH is free to go off and do his own thing? It won't work like that with two DC. If your DH has got used to having plenty of free time, I would really discuss in detail with him that it won't be able to work like that if you have two children.

10 years between me and my brother (with another brother in between) it was fine as kids but maybe because im a girl I did end up babysitting him a lot from 13-17

Our mum died when I was 17 which threw a spanner in the works and I didn't see that much of him for a few years after that as I went to uni etc so were not really that close.

Also if hes autistic/ADHD theres a good chance a sibling might be too. And possibly higher needs than your first. Not necessarily a reason not to do it but it's worth considering if you could cope.

Both my siblings (& my son) are neurodivergent and I'm starting to question whether I might be too. Hopefully the world will be a kinder place in future but navigating the world when you don't feel you belong anywhere is far from easy and part of me feels I shouldnt have brought kids into a world where they're likely to struggle.

OP your son has proved that he needs a sibling by his answer! He sounds selfish and a bit self obsessed tbh. Of course he enjoys all the attention being on him only but that’s not a good thing. He needs to learn to share and he will find that more difficult if he has to wait until he’s an adult to learn it. It’s not his decision so I don’t know why you asked him. It’s giving him too much power as a child. Did you initially only wanted an ‘only’ and have now changed your mind?

God mine are both teens now and would probably be delighted. They love babies. Certainly not happening though am deep in to perimenopause! DH would NOT be delighted 🤣

I think it’s up to you OP. He’ll cope if you do. He may even like a sibling in reality.

You were doing the right thing though OP, you’d decided for YOUR family that this approach was the right way to go.
if you and your partner decided now it was a huge deal to want another baby then I’m sure you’d go ahead and would make it work but gathering feedback from your own family in advance I don’t think was an unwise move at all x

Which is very short term, and surely you think to the future (for decades) and NOT just consider the views of an 8yr old, with only his immediate needs in mind and no life experience. Plus his comment was pretty nasty.

You shouldn't have asked him.

Since he’s awaiting a diagnosis of Audhd, I really wouldn’t have a second child with that big an age difference.
Puberty is likely to hit hard, and parenting a sends child is hard. On top of that, audhd has a big genetic component, so there is a solid chance of having two SENDs children who have nothing in common with each other. A 10 year age gap is a challenge at the best of times, but with this thrown in - no way!
( i have an older child with ASD, and a younger one with ADHD - its hard!)

I agree with this, awful.

It’s a difficult decision to make. I had an only child and for various reasons - including how it would affect them - I wouldn’t have had a second. In fact, when mine was about 8 or 9 I did find myself in that situation. It was taken out of my hands in the end - health and medical wise - and I had a termination, but I think even if that wasn’t the case then I’d have had a difficult decision to make but I’m quite sure I’d have still taken that road anyway. The effect it would’ve had on my child, not only from being an only to an older sibling, would’ve been too great considering all the other changes it would have caused.
On the other side of the coin I had a sibling who was about 8/9 years younger than me. I already had an older sibling, but only 18 months between us, so it wasn’t necessarily the having another sibling that caused all kinds of problems within the family and for me personally, it was just not a good situation and made a massive difference to our family structure. Also, we were never close and due to their age it was almost like they were the “only”, and if I’m being honest then yes, it had a negative effect. We are closer now that we’re adults but it wasn’t great.
I don’t think your son should make the decision but you really will have to consider how this might affect him. It’s not an easy decision.

Yeah and plenty of people with sibling are also like that. Your theory is ridiculous and ignorant

Why on earth you would have this conversation with a child is beyond me.

Bizarre on so many levels.

He has no say in the matter. However I would agree with pp that bringing a new baby into his life when 9 or 10 would really limit activities for him and impact family holidays etc. He would be unlikely to be close to this child due to age gap as their interests, activities and education would be at different stages. I would stick with the one child now so many years have passed.

Families aren't democracies!

I would have said the same at his age - I was very anti-baby - I didn't find them cute. My youngest sibling was born when I was ten. I resented the pregnancy, but loved them on sight, and we are now very close.

During my teens I was more like an indulgent aunt, and she remembers me taking her to the shops and movies, and bringing presents home from university.

There's a lot you can do to manage the transition. Life won't stay the same for him even if he were to stay an only, and he will need to learn how to cope with change.

You need to make the decision for you, because you only get one life, and there is too much pressure on women to put others first as it is. Do think though about whether you could manage if both children turned out to have moderate needs.

No it wouldn't influence me at all- he's a child and it's your decision not his. Siblings are one of those things you tell children about, not ask them.

I think you have left it too late. I have a brother 8 years old than me. That's not been easy for him.

Myself and the three younger siblings are closer.
My older brother is ND.

I think you should go for it OP. It sounds like you and your DP both want another child. As others have mentioned, your DC doesn't get to decide whether you have another child or not. Also, the age gap isn't unusual at all. I know several couples who had a similar age gap between their first and second child. Previous posters have also said that. It sounds like it's going to happen so best of luck to you with conception and pregnancy OP. I hope it happens for you.

A child doesn't get to decide and I wouldn't have asked him.