Only child says he doesn’t want a sibling – would this influence your decision?

[NorthernDaydreamer]

My DS is 8 and an only child. Recently, myself and his dad have started considering whether we might want a second child, although we’re very much undecided at the moment.
I asked him how he would feel about having a brother or sister, and he was very clear that he doesn’t want one. He even said that if I had a baby, he would want me to have it adopted!
Obviously, I know he’s only 8 and this isn’t his decision to make, but it’s made me think about how a second child would affect him and whether it’s fair to change the family dynamic when he’s so happy as an only child.
He’s used to having our attention and being the only child in the family, and I wonder whether he’d struggle with sharing us, particularly given that he’d be quite a bit older than a new baby.
At the same time, I know children can feel differently once a sibling actually arrives, and I’m not expecting him to make this decision for us.

I’m interested to hear from other parents of only children. If you considered having a second, did your child’s feelings influence your decision at all? And if you went on to have another, how did your older child adjust?

He’s awaiting an AUDHD diagnosis if that’s relevant.

My sister always resented my existence and I do wonder if she has some type of neurodiversity. Her son is autistic. It would definitely go some way to explaining things.

My only child categorically said they would kill another child. I ended up (for other reasons) stopping at one. They were about 7 when they said this and consistently did not want a sibling. At 36 they are still glad not to have one, although they have stepped back from the 'killing' Stance! 😆. I think had I had another child they would have eventually warmed to it ( or killed it!) , but I think by that age they were used to having me to themselves. If I had had another baby within a year or two of their birth they would never have had any say in it or remembered anything different. You are in a difficult situation because your child is old enough to have an opinion but not old enough to accept your right to add to your family, or have the chance to have a sibling relationship which can be one of the best relationships anyone can have.

I cannot possibly imagine why it sounds like you are now their former friend. 😬😂

Some of the comments about an 8 year old child are awful. Certainly hasn't done those pp's any favours having siblings if that's the case.

My 10 year old is an only child and if I asked his opinion, he'd have a similar response. He really dislikes babies and that's fair enough, not everyone is going to like them as long as he isn't mean to them (which he isn't).

It's crazy that the only child stereotypes are still in play despite numerous research disproving it.

Its not a discussion that should be had with kids. He'd get used to the situation if you had a baby

He’s 8 years old, FFS!

That's a tough age gap to have. They'll be too far apart for them to grow up as siblings and being company for each other so they won't get the full experience of what that's like.

At the same time, your older child will be too young to take on a more caring role such as babysitting that a much older sibiling would take on- at least until the child is much older. They could end up not being very close or not even having that much to do with each other.

I think also it'd be very difficult to have a toddler and a child entering puberty at the same time.

Probably worth keeping in mind though that he probably actually didn't mean it rudely when he said he didn't want one. He was asked a question and gave an honest answer. I'm sure I'd have said the same about my siblings if i had been asked as a child if I wanted them!

Absolutely not. He is a child. You are the parents. He has neither the life experience or any status whatsoever to make that decision.

I’m not sure I would at that age, he could be 10 when the baby arrives and that’s a big age gap that will completely change family dynamics. They won’t be in to the same days out and holidays, he’ll be too old for toddler suitable activities but younger child will be too young for things he’d enjoy

I had brothers 10 and 12 years older than me and tbh they were more like extra parents in a sense. By the time I was 5 they were teenagers doing their own thing. It certainly wasn't company for me in any way. They're both passed away now and because of the big age gap and the fact that they both lived alone I ended up doing a lot of admin and support for both of them.
It all could have been very different and I know I'm fast forwarding a lot, just pointing out that you really can't know in advance whether or not it's a good idea.

He is eight!

Some real fuckers on this thread, he`s an 8 year old boy he dont know life yet he just said he dont like babies and the noise, im with him on that.

Its your choice to have a baby op.
If it was me id be one and done and looking at all the things i can do now that i cant do with a new born.

Sometimes it works out sometimes it dont thats life.

You should not have asked him, it's not for him to decide. However, with that particular age gap and without his express enthusiasm (since you did ask) - then I wouldn't.

No he's not selfish and entitled at all @NorthernDaydreamer and that's a really unpleasant thing to say about an 8 year old boy, who is just worried about having a new brother or sister... I'm sure he's a lovely little boy, and this is just unchartered territory for him.

I cried when my mum said she was having a baby/another child when I was 9 and a half, as I had been an only child up to then, and had all the attention, and the nice ladies across the road (both in their 70s, one widowed and one never married, and both with no children,) made such a fuss of me, and bought me little gifts at random times, like Cadburys Creme Eggs, and packs of smarties, and little pocket money type gifts.... I thought 'the new baby will get all the attention and gifts now!'

Anyway, the baby came along 6 months after my mum told me she was pregnant, (5 days after my 10th birthday!) and I adored him from the moment I saw him. I have a photo of me with a huge grin on my face, holding my little brother in my arms when he was a day old.

He thought the world of me too, and I'd play with him (hide and seek, and draughts, and Ludo, and Battleship, and card games and so on.) He was proud to introduce me as his sister when he was old enough to do so, and all his mates were like 'oooooh, cool...' as none of them had a sister that much older.

So yeah, tl;dr, if you really want another child, then do try for one, your son will be fine, honestly.

p.s. The 2 lovely ladies across the road did spoil my brother, but still spoilt me til I was about 16-17, and I was working. Then I used to spoil them!

.

I agree with PP that babies are for us, not siblings. I have a nearly 5 year age gap and it’s really hard atm, they’re at very different stages and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to find things which are age appropriate/suit them both. I can’t shrug the feeling that as much as my older child loves having a sibling, and hopefully will benefit from it in many many ways, their life is inherently worse now. They had our undivided attention, we had more time and money and other resources to devote to them, we were a a fab threesome really. We could make their future life more comfortable but for the decision to have another baby. However, I wouldn’t change that other baby for anything so it’s a predicament! My DH is an only child and found he was lonely at times growing up, though I know there’s no guarantee kids will get on especially in adulthood. There’s no right answer - good luck OP!

Discussing this with him
(at 8) as if he has a say in it is insane

I’m sure he’s lovely not entitled. It’s hard for him to know how to respond to an abstract change.

If it happens just help him work through it. He might be different with an actual sibling rather than the idea of a baby.

I’d go for it. He’ll thank you when both children are adults and he has someone to share the burden of caring for you with.

Spoiled and unpleasant is a bit of reach from what was in the OP! And honestly, you sound ‘a bit unpleasant’ yourself to be throwing comments like that around about a child with potential neurodivergence.

I think you sound like a bully he an 8 year old little boy.

My DD1 said she wanted a sister. We had DD2 (not because she asked, but because we wanted another). We said, "you've got the sister you wanted." She said, "No, I meant an older sister."

I'd never base my decision on what my other child/children want. I'd be a bit wary of having a second AuDHD child, the one we have is quite time consuming and the other gets pissed off about that.

Of course it’s not selfish for an 8yo to say he doesn’t want a sibling! I’d say it’s actually pretty normal. I was an only child and was very clear if anyone asked that I absolutely did not want a brother on sister.

Some people on here are really foul about young children. I hope they are nicer to their own kids but I suspect not.

It has to be your decision, but with that age gap there won’t be much commonality between them, they will be living quite separate lives and you’ll have to figure out how to accommodate that without sacrificing the other’s happiness or avoiding resentment.

Realistically, he could be approaching teenage years when his sibling is able to properly start interacting with him.

I don't get the comments on selfishness. I wouldn't expect a child that young to have much concept of why an adult would yearn to have a baby so yeah to them it would be as easy as adopting it out to spare the inconvenience.

For what it’s worth I asked my diagnosed autistic child how he’d feel about a sibling, once I was pregnant. His response varied from ‘no thanks’ to ‘only if it’s a boy’. Well it was happening regardless and said sibling is a girl. He’s pretty good with her most of the time and enjoys having her in the family. He’s as good if not better than I was with my sister at the same age. Go for it if you want to and feel it’s right for your family. It’s always tricky and disruptive adding a new child into the mix but I wouldn’t change it.

Waiting diagnosis of auadhd. Would he cope with the disruption of a younger sibling?

I was closest to a brother who was 10 years older than me. Not so much the one 8 years older. It depends on the individual.

Granted, he was away at boarding school, and then university, then workforce. It was in the years after that I really appreciated him.