Only child says he doesn’t want a sibling – would this influence your decision?

[NorthernDaydreamer]

My DS is 8 and an only child. Recently, myself and his dad have started considering whether we might want a second child, although we’re very much undecided at the moment.
I asked him how he would feel about having a brother or sister, and he was very clear that he doesn’t want one. He even said that if I had a baby, he would want me to have it adopted!
Obviously, I know he’s only 8 and this isn’t his decision to make, but it’s made me think about how a second child would affect him and whether it’s fair to change the family dynamic when he’s so happy as an only child.
He’s used to having our attention and being the only child in the family, and I wonder whether he’d struggle with sharing us, particularly given that he’d be quite a bit older than a new baby.
At the same time, I know children can feel differently once a sibling actually arrives, and I’m not expecting him to make this decision for us.

I’m interested to hear from other parents of only children. If you considered having a second, did your child’s feelings influence your decision at all? And if you went on to have another, how did your older child adjust?

He’s awaiting an AUDHD diagnosis if that’s relevant.

Whilst I agree with you in principle, in reality, most adult siblings I know get on to some extent, often are a support to each other and I don’t know anyone who would rather have not had a sibling.

With a 10 yr age gap though, it’s unlikely OPs children will be close, and given what they’ve said about him not being keen, and the fact the parents are clearly on the fence, I don’t think they should.

Only read OP's posts.
DS1 was nearly 10 when DS2 was born.
We told DS1 nothing about it until after the first scan. He was excited, but if he had expressed otherwise we would have handled that.
Apart from feeling like I've been raising my family For Ever, it's been lovely having a large gap. They are 27 and 17 now. DS1 was just home for a couple of days and the two of them hung out like any other siblings - playing xbox, cooking, annoying each other, talking about cars, ganging up on me (in good humour).

How? She asked him a question and he answered. Him not wanting a sibling isnt selfish or entitled

As my previous post says, I have 10 years between mine. DS1 may have been an only. I can say that when I lost my parents within 3 years and quite young, I was very glad to have my siblings and have appreciated that I have two children now who will hopefully support each other. It's not a reason to have a child, but it is a positive.

We did include DS in our decision OP.
He was around 7 when we considered a second and my view was, at that point it would be a huge adjustment for him. He would have to share parents, his toys, change his routine, his home would be different etc. I know that's true for any age but the older they get the bigger the change is for them.
While his opinion was definitely taken into consideration, the ultimately decided that it was best for all of us not to. Going back to the baby years after finally moving into the freedom of an older child just didn't appeal. My parents are older now and less likely to help as much, money is still tight so would be split even further which isn't fair on anyone.
I'm sure it would have been lovely but ultimately we love our family as is and we decided not to take the risk

My son's an only child. When he started school he announced he was very happy as an only child as he got to do much cooler stuff than all his friends who had younger siblings. He's 16 now and sees all the benefits to being an only kid (especially financially and the opportunities we could afford with just him).

My youngest brother is 11 years younger than me - i was a second mum until i left home when he was 6 - love him but not a sibling relationship until he was 20+.

Our other brother is 7 years older than him - he spent most of his teen years locking his bedroom door and wanting very little to do with the 'kid' - they are not close now.

Just food for thought...

@NorthernDaydreamer I'm presuming you have factored in that there's a fair chance your second child, if you do go ahead, will also be autistic? Maybe more, maybe less, than your current DS.

Well if you can’t decide for yourself and need to ask an 8 year old whether you should have another baby, I think another baby probably isn’t going to work out well for you!

You shouldn't let it influence your decision. Ultimately it is whether you feel it's the right choice for you and your family.
I have a large age gap (12 years) between my children and they have an amazing relationship, my oldest adores the younger siblings and the feeling is definitely reciprocated

That's how it usually works, yes.

I would think very carefully about this now you’ve heard your son’s opinion on it, as people are defined a lot more by their relationship with their siblings than by that with their parents.

I’ve known quite a few only children, from when I was young to adults, and they all have seemed so much more confident in themselves and without issues compared to those with siblings.

I have one sister who is just 15 months younger than me. My parents, who were comfortably off and also nice people, had her, they maintained, to give me someone to play with. It massively backfired and, I believe, led to the eating disorders and cocaine addiction she experienced from her late teens to early 40s.

She’s fine now and has a good career and a nice husband. We’re close (in different cities) but there will always be underlying issues that can come out in certain circumstances.

Of course it isn't up to him. Some siblings with a very small gap in years just don't get on. And one resentful of the other, imagining the other is the favourite. So there's no guarantee. I'd say if you want another go for it but try to ensure he doesn't lose out but actually gains.

I agree with you.

Or he'll have another person (and possibly their spouse) weighing in on everything and complicating even straight-forward decision making, or the same burden of care but with added resentment because it isn't actually shared, or he'll decide that as his younger sibling is female they should do 100% and avoid visiting his DP at all so he doesn't get hassled...... and then at the end of it all he only gets half the inheritance he otherwise would (or potentially maybe even less if the younger sibling ends up having more profound SEN and needs the bulk of parental assets tied up in a trust for their future support).

We've got multiple DC, and there is a 10yr age gap with our twins and the next oldest.

They are not childhood siblings in any respect. In fact the 18yr old has just started uni and DTwins are still in primary learning to read etc. Teen DS flipped between finding them cute and being thoroughly fucked off with twin toddlers. Looking back, it was quite shit having the moody teen/GCSE years alongside pre-schoolers. Not much tolerance and compatibility from all of them, albeit for very different reasons.

If DTwins had been a singleton, they would very much be like having an only child. With that age gap, they aren't playmates.

Having said that, I have a half brother who I am 12yrs older than, who I like now we're both adults, but then I didn't grow up with him, or in fact see him much, Dad's new wife's son.

Bizarre to ask though, because now he'll think you've deliberately decided to ignore his feelings if you do have another one.

I agree.
With an age gap like this, you can’t make the usual “they’ll love their sibling when it’s here” assumption, because they’ll never be playmates, and will never want to do the same things. They may get on well as adults, but that’s many years away.

Focusing on the age gap, my husband has a sister 10 years older than him. He doesn't really recall her in his childhood, as I guess by the time he was old enough to remember she was a teenager (who went off the rails so wasn't home a lot).

I agree that it was a silly thing to ask and if you wanted a baby you and your husband should have made that agreement and then told your son once pregnant with a statement of fact rather than making it sound like it's optional.

Personally I think he is right though and I can see the impact on his routine having a negative impact and why he would not want a sibling.

He's 8!!

He was asked how he feels and he replied honestly. Why should he pretend to be in to the idea if he's not, just to reassure his mum?

Have all these critical posters declaring that he's 'spoiled' missed that he may have autism?

He sounds like he's got a realistic grasp of the situation - that he's largely going to lose out, especially if he needs quiet and down time.

It can be really lovely, with plenty of love etc

Children can be those things, because they are children. But if OP's DS even is those things (and I think that's an overly harsh assumption, personally), that's something for his parents to address. A sibling isn't some kind of magic fix.

What the F* is it to do with your child? Conversations like that are ridiculous.

if you are going to seek the opinion of your child, then you need to take that into account

imo whether a couple has another child or not is between them and not others.

What you have done is open up the decision as a family choice

I wouldn’t due to his age and possible ND.
On my side of the family, 2 brothers (my nephews) have never been friends (now in their 20s and one has autism) and on my DH side, 2 sisters (his nieces) have never been friends (also in their 20’s, one is AuDHD).

My child was diagnosed autistic at 2 and with adhd at 6. His autism diagnosis was the biggest factor in us not having any more children.

As an only child, he gets our full quota of resource - time, energy, finances (1:1 swimming lessons, private therapies etc) and we can provide everything he needs to thrive.

We didn't want to risk another ND child (highly likely, husband is autistic, i have adhd) who may have opposing, or more severe needs to him, which would then impact him negatively. Thriving, not surviving is our goal as a family.

Which is a shame, because our son is the very best of both of us, and to have another child like him would be truly incredible. But it was not a risk we were happy to take.

I'm an only child and I'd just like to say that it shouldn't be a negative at all. People make the assumption about 'spoilt' only children but sometimes it just means they've had a lot of parental attention and time, it doesn't have to mean they were indulged or got their own way constantly.

I'd say if you have a happy little family as you are, the three of you, then just be happy with that and enjoy your ds.