Only child says he doesn’t want a sibling – would this influence your decision?

[NorthernDaydreamer]

My DS is 8 and an only child. Recently, myself and his dad have started considering whether we might want a second child, although we’re very much undecided at the moment.
I asked him how he would feel about having a brother or sister, and he was very clear that he doesn’t want one. He even said that if I had a baby, he would want me to have it adopted!
Obviously, I know he’s only 8 and this isn’t his decision to make, but it’s made me think about how a second child would affect him and whether it’s fair to change the family dynamic when he’s so happy as an only child.
He’s used to having our attention and being the only child in the family, and I wonder whether he’d struggle with sharing us, particularly given that he’d be quite a bit older than a new baby.
At the same time, I know children can feel differently once a sibling actually arrives, and I’m not expecting him to make this decision for us.

I’m interested to hear from other parents of only children. If you considered having a second, did your child’s feelings influence your decision at all? And if you went on to have another, how did your older child adjust?

He’s awaiting an AUDHD diagnosis if that’s relevant.

I think if you're going to have multiples you have them within 1-4 years of each other max, otherwise your older child's wants will always come secondary to the younger one. With a closer age gap there will be a lot more things they enjoy jointly and they will have more of a sibling bond. A 9-10 year age gap wouldn't be for me , I have a nearly 8 year old who also wouldn't enjoy or benefit from being woken by a baby when he has school in the morning.

I have a brother 10 years younger than me. I was fuming when I found out my mum was pregnant, I didn't want anything to change. I absolutely adored him when he was born and he still is my favourite family member.

I am an only child grew up in 70s/80s and was completely the opposite in character to your quote. I would have been happy for siblings if they came along, I had lots of friends over all the time, mum banned them coming with siblings as they used to quarrel amongst themselves too much, I guess that is why she didn't have anymore......

Oooh can you link to the research that showed this as the conclusion? No, because it’s bollocks.

My only, is 13 and she’s the bloody life and soul of any party with tons of friends and an extremely silly side that I just don’t have. Opposite of me, an introvert.

In London, where I live, there are loads of only children - and just like children with siblings, some are quiet, some loud, some not very sociable, some very sociable.

Not really sure why you asked him?! Not really his decision to make and gives him a sense of power and importance beyond his years in my opinion. He will also be making a decision selfishly based on how he feels, not considering yours and his dads wishes.

If you dont, he will now think its because he said no so be careful of his attitude around the power he wields as he grows into a teenager.

If you do, he will feel like you haven't taken what he said into consideration and coukd resent you and the baby

In terms of the age gap, there is 6 years between mine, it worked well as eldest enjoyed helping with baby, she was useful and able to entertain etc and she will still play imaginative games with her even though shes 13. Holidays worked well, there wasnt a huge gap which meant they could enjoy similar things and height wise the younger is super tall and eldest short for her age so they've enjoyed playbarns and theme parks together. Its all fitted very well.

I could imagine that another couple of years gap would not be as good. If you had a 10 year old and baby, so 13 year old and toddler...not so good, holidays, activities, days out, totally different

That’s not quite what I meant.

Why on earth are you asking a child this age, with likely SEN this sort of question. This is completely inappropriate and an emotional burden

We have a child anxiety epidemic in this country because we centre children and give them information, choices, decisions, consultations that we think its child centred but is actually hugely damaging

Have a child, or dont have a child, you are the adults.

So you know 1 person that doesn’t fit this definition, that’s your anecdata, this is mine. We have several only children in our family and all are oddly similar. Same goes for the onlys I know outside our family, anxious and highly strung. Find it hard to be silly or relaxed, think they’re one of the adults etc

I would have said he shouldn’t get a say, but also you asked him and now you know how he feels and he knows you know how he feels - so it will seem to him that you don’t care how he feels. Also, with his potential diagnosis there are genuine reasons he might find it harder than others to adjust or tolerate “baby noise” and all the upheaval of another child.

Why did you wait so long and why did you ask him?

I have a very good friend who is an only. She is incredibly thoughtful and kind. I could rely on her 100%. She seems to have really good family relationships too.

I’m really grateful for my 3 (close in age) siblings. My life would be very different and worse without them. They drive me nuts at times but I’m so grateful for their support and constant presence in my life. Was really sad I could only have 2 for medical reasons.

I wouldn't want a baby sibling at 10.
So I can well believe why they'd say that.

Of course if you're passionate about it then do it. The older kid will come round to it no doubt. Well they'll have to accept it as nobody would just hate their sibling forever fo no reason other than their existence I don't think? Plus it could be unfeasible to do it later still, when other one is mature/confident enough not to be so anti it.

But being a teenager in a house with a preschooler could be quite disruptive. It might impact on concentration on studying etc.

You have to decide for reasons that are unrelated to what he wants. I agree with PP who said you shouldn’t have asked him. It would be fair to take into consideration what you think he NEEDS, which may or may not be same as what he wants.

feel like you've probably missed the boat for a traditional sibling relationship here.
I have a 10 year gap with my sibling and it has been brilliant at every stage for us both. I would have liked the same if I hadn't left it to late when I started. As @Sparrowsandbudgies says, her DC with a 10 year gap there's no jealousy...they're very close (23 and 13 now) Siblings get on or they don't, age gaps are irrelevant imo. Love @JLou08 comments.
I dislike negativity about 'only' DC though. Once again, it works for many.
Family dynamics are unique.

Well that describes my eldest 2 who are 3.5 years apart.

Fought and argued constantly as kids and have nothing to do with each other as adultsboth of them get on much better with my youngest who is 12 and 9 years younger than them

It might also be because he is aware that having a sibling, and someone else in his house, is going to lead to some big changes. My DNiece was wary because she worried that her favourite family members would love the baby more, it would take away her time with them, etc. However, when her brother arrived, she was all over him, and likes collecting him from pre-school so that they can spend time together. There is a bigger age gap between them than your son and a potential sibling.

In all fairness, though, a lot of people have siblings that they don't particularly get on with. We didn't get to make a choice about whether or not they were born! That was for our parents to decide.

We had our daughter when stepson who is autistic and has learning difficulties and a genetic disorder was twelve and he adores her. He has lived with us full time with no involvement from mum since he was nine.
On the flip side there’s three years between me and my sister and she was and still is annoyed just by my existence even now that our own children are grown up.

Someone needs to publish this extensive research - proof that only children are self-centred and entitled!

How old are you op can you wait till he’s bigger

I wouldn’t have let the situation arise for him to have a view.

My thought process in your position would be what if you have a child with complex needs? You might still be quite young, but I have a friend whose second child has complex needs for seemingly no reason (ie. Not genetic and not older parents). Her relationship broke down when he was a toddler and she’s juggling it all on her own with no idea how independent he will be. It has a huge impact on her eldest child and she feels a lot of guilt.

I don’t know how much the autism/ADHD affects your son. My goddaughter is awaiting the same diagnosis and is 10. Her parents are finding it harder and harder as she gets older, and I can’t see it would benefit her to have a sibling, it would take so much away from her.

If you have another child it will be for you and not him, which is fine, but you need to recognise that, and that you’ll be taking time/money away from him to do so.

Big age gap so unlikely be a play mate for him and may be restrictive now on what you can do in terms of days out etc as he will likely start prefer older things, however, if you want another baby for yourself then that’s your decision …. not his.

The gap between your eldest and youngest is less than the nearly 19 years between my first and second - there was 20 between the eldest and youngest, but the youngest died.

OP there was six years between my younger brother and I. It meant we didn't get to play, as by the time he could, I was too old. However, I was incredibly close to him from late teens onwards, very close, and am still devastated at his sudden death

Jesus. Sort out the one you've already got first. Telling you he'd want a new sibling to be adopted? There are problems there.

If your DS is AuDHD he could have difficulty with imagining what new situation, and change, could be like. That often causes anxiety and a push to avoid the situation, in this case rejecting the idea of having a sibling.
A friend with an AuDHD son had similar issues when expecting their 2nd. DS has difficulty with the changes in not only his DM but in the house too. But when his little brother arrived it was fine as it was the reality rather than unknowns.
If you feel you have to include him in discussions don’t just talk, have pictures of siblings with similar age gaps, even better use examples of school friend who have good relationships with siblings. But don’t ask him to decide anything (that’s a demand which could be aversive).

I'm an only child and I remember being really scared that my parents would have another child when I was infants school age and my friends were getting or had younger siblings - I viscerally hated the idea, and even now in my 40s the thought still makes me shudder. If I'd been presented with a baby when I was aged 4 or 5 (not 8, tbf) I suspect I might have tried to hurt it to show that we couldn't live together and encourage my parents to send it away. I'm also autistic and when I was older and school was more complex I massively appreciated being able to come home to a calm environment with no other children in it, as frankly I had had more than my fill of being around other children by that part of the day (even though I had good friends who I enjoyed being with etc).

I took this into account and had an only myself, and my own child is also autistic and glad that they have no siblings for the same reasons.

So given that, and given that he is old enough to know his own mind, I'd give his views quite significant weighting!