Only child says he doesn’t want a sibling – would this influence your decision?

[NorthernDaydreamer]

My DS is 8 and an only child. Recently, myself and his dad have started considering whether we might want a second child, although we’re very much undecided at the moment.
I asked him how he would feel about having a brother or sister, and he was very clear that he doesn’t want one. He even said that if I had a baby, he would want me to have it adopted!
Obviously, I know he’s only 8 and this isn’t his decision to make, but it’s made me think about how a second child would affect him and whether it’s fair to change the family dynamic when he’s so happy as an only child.
He’s used to having our attention and being the only child in the family, and I wonder whether he’d struggle with sharing us, particularly given that he’d be quite a bit older than a new baby.
At the same time, I know children can feel differently once a sibling actually arrives, and I’m not expecting him to make this decision for us.

I’m interested to hear from other parents of only children. If you considered having a second, did your child’s feelings influence your decision at all? And if you went on to have another, how did your older child adjust?

He’s awaiting an AUDHD diagnosis if that’s relevant.

I agree with others that you shouldn't have asked an 8 yo for his opinion on something so major, but equally if he's on the autistic diagnosis pathway no way would I be considering a second child who with even older parents might have more severe disabilities.

Yes. Although ideally not once you’ve asked their opinion. It’s an adult decision for adults to make - same with moving house or a parent’s employment or what school they attend. My kids at age 8 were allowed to pick what restaurant we went to occasionally or choose which colour winter coat they wanted me to buy them, not express a view on whether or not DH and I chose to have another baby!

Agree. Way too much ‘consulting’ of children. They’re not small adults.

Could you cope with 2 kids with SEN is the question you should be asking yourself tbh.

It doesn't really matter what we think, when the baby clock activates its emotion ruled and nothing anyone says can override it.

I think 8 years is a big gap and the baby will arrive when he's going through big changes such as starting secondary school. I actually have an 8 year old only daughter and there's no chance of another as I'm divorced and too old now. I only ever wanted one anyway as I know I'm not equipped to cope with two.

I've asked her a few times hypothetically how she feels being an only child and she said she doesn't mind. She knows she gets a lot of attention and effort from us which she probably wouldn't get if she had a sibling. That's all your son is expressing and he's old enough to know babies are a lot of work for parents - it's not him being a spoiled brat or anything!

You shouldn't have put him on the spot and you shouldn't be considering a bloody baby when your kid is a couple of years away from high school and may be on the spectrum.
You'd be doing this for you only and to the likely detriment of your existing child.

It’s quite a big gap. He could be 9/10 even if you had a baby straight away.

A child wouldn’t influence my decision. If you want another child have one

Mine never wanted a sibling. As an adult he tells me he is glad he didn’t have one and that he thinks he benefited from being an only child because we had more time to spend with him on his solo activities (golf) and more money to make memories (holidays etc).

If you aren’t bothered either way, and he doesn’t want a sibling, I wouldn’t risk having one. He may struggle to accept a sibling, he may end up loving it, but is it worth the risk…that’s what you need to consider

My DD is an only child. She has said many times she prefers being an only child, she liked having me and her dad all to herself growing up. When her younger cousins came over she would get jealous of grandparents showing them attention (she loves her cousins lots though), and would find them tiring to be around for a long time, and was happy to have her peace and quiet at home with mum and dad afterwards. Her teachers would often comment at parents evening that she was more emotionally mature than her peers and her behaviour has always been excellent. I think if siblings were around there would have been squabbling etc. Now she's 17, her dad has recently died, it's just the two of us at home and we are incredibly close. It's like a very sad version of Gilmore Girls in our house now. Only child was right for our family though.

That is asking!

Which you shouldn’t have done!

Many in my family including me are audhd. My sister is 6yrs younger than me, I was happy to have a sibling but her ND profile meant she needed all my parents attention and I was effectively sent away until old enough to help parent her. I couldn't do this to my son so kept him as an only child. He was sad not to have a sibling when younger, but has pets and friends - and also looks forward to having a family of his own in the future. He can also see how the work needed to support him (diagnosis, education etc) as well as home environment would have been much harder with a sibling. He is kind, caring and generous and I feel I made the right choice for us.

Up to you what you do, but if staying solo there are 'one and done' parent support groups which I found helpful, especially as in my case DH was originally very pro siblings!

He is a child, why on earth did you even mention this to him? That is a decision that should be made by adults and adults only. No wonder children grow up bloody anxious when adults expect them to make adult decision when so young.

If you want a second child you need to make the decision because you want the child. He will be nearly 10 when it arrives and from his perspective it will take attention and time away from him. They will have nothing in common.
its worse as an AuHD child. My eldest is 9 he is also asd adhd and tells me pretty much every single week he wishes he was an only child. I also found out I am asd ADHD, I am the eldest and I always hated having a sister. Its hard to compromise, to share, to have to split parents time. Plus your son will have all of his routines and predictabilities changed. If you do have a second child our play therapist recommended we alnowledge our sons feelings (away from his brother hearing).
if they were close in age you could say they may play together, or share similar interests or life stages, but they will be too far apart. He will have to compete with baby naps and baby food and tired parents.
you can absolutely decide you want another child as you want the child and you have more love to give.

Yes but the flip side is that only children tend to be more highly strung and less laid back. They talk like little adults and often find themselves not really knowing how to socialise with other kids their age. It can be hard for them to find their silly side and go with the flow.

I wouldn’t given that age gap. His life will become massively disrupted and I’d worry that he would get all the upheaval without the potential upside of a playmate.

This with bells on. My sister was meant to be my play mate Mum said. I would have prefered to be alone

I think he’s effectively going to be brought up as an only child anyway with a 9 ish year age gap.

I don’t think he should have a say in the decision, he’s only 8 but you’ve now included him in the decision making process and that can’t be undone.
I feel that that is quite a big age gap already that may have caused issues anyway but now if you do go ahead, he’ll be thinking his views aren’t considered anyway.

Oh, I don't think so. He's just a little boy who can't imagine having a baby brother or sister.

A 10yr age gap isn’t great for kids, or you. Your child will be entering teens and a little toddler will be taking up your time. There will be nothing you can do together as a family. Your older child will pull away.

No i wouldn't listen to a child of 8 when it comes to deciding about family.

Oh shut up with your drivel and anecdotal. There have been countless scientific research studies that have found that only children/ adults have exactly the same spread and range of personality traits as those with siblings. There is no ‘type.’

@ExtraHotDoubleShot

My DS is the total opposite to what you said, he’s very silly and can mess around with his friends and is always hyper and crazy.

Even though my 9 year old asd adhd son says he wants to be an only child frequently he actually gets on better with his 2 year old sister than 6 year old brother. He sees his baby sister has completely different to him. Now she is walking and talking a few words he will show her empathy and kindness and sometimes humour her with games. Whereas he struggles with a younger brother. He doesnt understand he is smaller, less strong than him and get really frustrated trying to play games.
so maybe a much younger sibling maybe a better option for asd adhd kids? I know that the third has just had to slot in and she just has to come to older boy activities, and for the most part she loves it !