AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

Like making Mother's Day cards?

id put it in writing on Sunday night

id express the disappointment
the making this child sick
he has been through so much in his short life

the ta just needs to say

say goodbye - full stop, to every single child, there isn't a need to say mummy

just say

say goodbye

This won’t help - I lost my dad at a very young age and I knew others had dads it wasn’t the word as such , but if anyone asked me about my dad I would get upset. It’s not good long term to avoid certain things but it can be better to avoid this kind of direct issue that OP describes

Because it is making it clear that this is not something she can chose to do, it is something which she is doing despite the school declaring that the staff need to be more mindful. It is telling her that her behaviour is deemed unacceptable .It is giving the staff ( including her) the opportunity to discuss more appropriate ways of addressing other adults so she can’t claim that she doesn’t have the knowledge of to change . It is making the situation public, but without naming her.

This is utterly unacceptable.

I would be furious and I am not one normally given to complaining to schools much, having grown up in a teaching environment (both parents were teachers). Even my school supporting teacher parents would never have accepted this.

Raise merry hell in every way possible. I wouldn't want to move him as he likes the club and seems generally happy there and at the school, but I would be wanting to know what is being done to protect him from this TA. She needs taken aside and very sternly spoken to.

To be honest, if the TA has such a piss poor memory that she can't stop herself making these mistakes (and they are absolute clangers) then she is probably in the wrong job and needs to be removed.

All she needed to do going forward after the first time was learn not to use the "mummy and daddy" pronouns. A simple "Hi X, in you go now. Remember to say goodbye" would surely suffice. Not at all difficult.

It's not hard, but maybe this woman is actually totally thick. As others have said, if she can't even remember this then it begs the question of what else she is forgetting.

Keep him at the club for now, but massively ramp up the pressure on them to get it right. Don't let this go (not that I think you will).

I would make a formal complaint too. You have tried to resolve it and it keeps happening.

This could be so easily resolved- if the TA really can't remember who people are she could just remember not to assume anyone's identity and just say 'time to say goodbye' or 'come in' or about a million other options that don't involve assumptions like mummy or daddy.

What do the OPs dc call her at home though? You can’t avoid trigger words but you can avoid direct trigger situations and this is more I think about a direct question to a child about their mum rather than just a word.

The school need to just remove this TA off door duty permanently

Firstly your poor poor nephew, my heart goes out to him.

You have a contract with the school that requires you to give notice.

You have a contract with the school and amongst other things they have to 'look after him.

The TA's actions have breached the schools side of the contract so the agreement to pay a months notice is now void.

Thats my take anyway

I’m sorry. Of course she should remember. It isn’t something that you need to be told twice.
Poor boy. Well done for being there for him.
I would report her but wouldn’t stop him going.
Pull her up and tell DN that she’s a bit daft in front of her face, she’ll remember then.

For things like Mother’s Day cards we take the lead from the guardian of the child of how best to do it, normally we will make a card for someone special knowing most will be mum but some it will be aunty. If it’s very fresh (the first year at least) we may just avoid it all together.

it has to be taken on a case by case basis and working closely with the child (when old enough) and the guardian.

You do need to make an official complaint to the school because this has happened so many times which is completely unacceptable and unforgivable when there’s a vulnerable child involved.

Also, I’m sorry about the loss of your sister or sister in law. You are doing a wonderful job caring for your little nephew.

Why does she need to do this though, It only seems to be that one member of staff that's doing it? Every other member of staff seems to be managing fine not to make a child so upset they are sick!

Once is a mistake, easily forgiven, but it's a mistake most people would never make again!

Teacher here - time to put in a formal written complaint. Preferably by email so you have a paper trail. Detail each incident, who you’ve spoken to and highlight SLTs failure to resolve the problem adequately. Make it very clear that if this happens again you will take the details of your complaint above them.

The vast majority of parental complaints in our school are ridiculous but this situation totally justifies it!

As a sort of "face blind" person my solution would be to not use the term mummy at all .

Could a variation of "I will not be handing over this child to you please bring someone else/your supervisor" work? I quietly used this several times when my sons were younger. I think these days they call it safeguarding concerns.

Well, no.

Saying "Say bye bye to Mummy" is making him upset so not saying it will help. It does help - when the other TA is on duty and doesn't say those words he's fine so it is what he needs. That's basically the point of the thread - how to get the annoying TA to stop using that term. It may not be what you needed but it works for him.

And surely it can't be that hard for the school to achieve that simple thing.

This is awful. I’m so sorry 😔

The TA only need to learn a generic phrase to use for all children - why is she even saying say good bye to mummy anyway?

cant she just say “ say goodbye”

I suggest prefacing your complaint with just asking if the school could do this small thing for the following reasons and see what they say.

it’s a tiny thing youre asking for after all, which will make a massive difference for you all

I dont think the school will chase you for payment. I imagine the staff are mortified if the TA isnt then she needs let go - the senior staff may be dealing with this and havnt been in touch as want to give you info on actions they have taken.

I would put it in writing. Doesn't have to be nasty just a formal this is what happened on these dates with this member of staff. Finish with today's incident that you are withdrawing dn from breakfast club with immediate effect and expect the month notice fee to be waved.

Often schools people think are excellent or good etc is because their kids are nt and doing fine. But if you take a non standard kid instead then you see the school isnt so great unfortunately.

Re the nephew similar to this is likely to happen unfortunately however this level of stupidity from the ta is pretty extreme. Its a simple fix to not say the end bit to any kids because frankly it seems likely she is also mis labelling other kids relatives too.

Is it likely the ta has some sen which might make this tricky for the school?

@JustAnotherWhinger
Just wanted to say that TA should not be doing the job and probably "wings it" in other ways at work too so
Don't pay the fine
Nobody pays anyone to be made upset by them do they??

What a fucking idiot. Seriously, 6 times?! The poor little lad was sick he was so upset. I’d be fucking furious with the school. So angry reading this

Sorry an open letter is not what’s needed here! An official complaint is what’s needed.

She’s already been named, so not sure what you’re talking about? Why are you trying to protect someone who is acting so badly?

I’ve been a primary school teacher and I think this is appalling. Yes, TAs are not paid much but this is a safeguarding issue because a) she is actively harming a child in her care by her heartless lazy carelessness (and does she think she’s living in a lLadybird book thinking everyone is dropped off by Mummy ?) She should receive a formal warning about this
and b) what about children in custody disputes - she needs to be able to remember who’s who so a child is not allowed to leave with a wrong person.
Very sorry your nephew has been treated like this.

Once or twice, ok. Repeatedly? I'd lose my shit. I'd likely confront the TA in a not so nice way telling her to get it together because she is coming across as a bully to a child whose mother has died. She'd definitely remember me and my DNeph after that.

Lots of admiration to you OP. 🩷