AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

I think maybe it’s less about the word mummy in general (which would be hard to totally cut out of everything) and more that the TA is directing it at him ?

Can the school just make sure this TA isn’t on the door if she can’t get this correct ?

That's really awful. How stupid must that woman be to not remember? I really feel for your nephew, the poor little boy. It's heart breaking to think of him being hurt even more than he has been already.

This. This is a hard line that has been crossed. I would usually be flexible and nice about things but this is seriously not ok. Poor chap. You sound wonderful. I would say it’s appropriate not to pay.

Also a teacher and 100% degree. There is zero excuse for treating a child so callously. Either remember the child's name or change your language so no parents mentioned at all.

I normally think parents are overreacting and are being unfair towards teaching staff but this? I would be putting in a formal complaint and insisting things change asap.

At this stage i would make a formal complaint to the Head without question. You have repeatedly tried to deal with the school regarding the TA in a reasonable way, but for whatever reason this behaviour has continued. Is not acceptable. It is psychological harm to a child who is grieving. I hope the reason you haven't heard from them is that they are aware of how serious this is and are taking steps of their own. But either way I think a formal complaint is really important now.

I'd be furious OP. It's basic human compassion, let alone a basic expectation for someone working with small children.

Poor kid - and yes do stand up for him.

BTW - you sound like an incredible person ❤

Wow reading this has made me really angry. I'm normally one off the first to stick up for school staff but this is ridiculous. No excuse just a pure lack of care

I'm an SEMH teacher. I work with children who have lost parents, been removed from parents and who have multiple traumas.
Once is a mistake, this many times is absolutely outrageous and completely unacceptable.
I think you are being very understanding by accepting that school staff are busy and work hard, but it must be ridiculously stressful to have to prepare yourself for this each time, and I can't imagine how your poor little guy feels.
Working in a school, where children are triggered very easily, (I have to check themes in books, PSHE lessons, discussion topics, etc) it is the job of the staff to know when to be cautious and what to say.
This woman sounds completely useless. Most people would be so mortified after the first instance, that they would be clocking that child, thinking of a greeting which makes him feel welcome and secure and making sure they never made this mistake again.
I hope that someone higher up is having a stern word, it sounds like she just doesn't care.
I really hope things get easier. Lots of love to you both.

How lovely of you to be taking care of this poor little fella and sorry both you and he have been caused distress by this.
Definitely complain to the head teacher in the strongest terms, verbally and follow up in writing, and if it continues, or actually even happens once more, report to the education authority and Board of Governors.
The school should have an inclusion policy and this should be covered.

If I’d been the TA in that scenario I probably would’ve stopped saying mummy/daddy to any child after the first incident. The fact that it’s happened so many times is just awful.
Rather than pulling out of the breakfast club I think chat to someone senior at the school to get the problem sorted. It shouldn’t be a difficult thing for them to stop.

This is awful! If she is that forgetful she shouldn’t be working with young children and the same goes for if she’s doing it on purpose.

Another vote here for explaining to the school that the policy as a whole has to be changed, with immediate effect - "Say Bye bye" is enough and "X your person/adult is here" for the pick up.

You are absolutely not overreacting about this being awful. Poor lad.

I absolutely agree that this is totally unacceptable. I have also been in situations where I honestly couldn't tell the difference between a host of children and by the time she is greeting the 12th child in the space of 15 minutes she is probably on autopilot. I wonder if you could agree with the TA some kind of noticable item that you always carry/wear during drop/off that will serve as a visual cue to remind her NOT to say "mummy" - I mean like a badge or bag in a bright colour that she will notice and recognise and remember.

I would write an open letter to the staff, including TAs and lunchtime staff.

In it I would say that you are DNS aunty, and would like them to be aware of DNs circumstances. He is living with you, his aunt and uncle following the death of his mother. He knows his mummy has died, and understands that you and his uncle are not his parents. He calls you XXX and YYY and this is what you and your husband want to keep doing because it upsets him very deeply if someone refers to you in any way as his mummy and daddy as he knows that you aren’t.

You appreciate that it is hard to keep childrens relationships and different sorts of families straight , but this is a little boy whose still very raw grieving for his mother is triggered when someone else is referred to as his mummy. It has unfortunately happened several times recently despite you bringing it to the attention of the head and DH. Please therefore can all staff members be aware and a little more sensitive about how they refer to family members for all the children in the school. Not all children live in conventional family set ups and staff language needs to reflect this. You are so pleased with the way that DN has settled into the school and the start of his education after what has been a difficult time for him, and are saddened that this situation has arisen.

Ask for the head to read it out at the start of a pre school meeting/ staff meeting.

This is awful. I did this once, I didn’t know the child but there was a man there to collect him and I assumed it was dad. Found out from another member of staff that his dad and then never made that mistake again with him or any other child. It’s quite concerning that she’s doing it so often, one time I wouldn’t bat an eyelid, or even two, but six times really just feels like it’s intentional.

Teacher here. Conpletely unacceptavle. Poor kid. Time to complain in writing im the strongest possible terms, laying out hwag you've written here. Including the fact that you will not be handing the child into this person's care again as tbey cannot be trusted.

Exactly! What if she forgets which kid needs an inhaler or an EpiPen?

I am normally on the side of the school but she’s either utterly stupid or completely insensitive. I can’t believe that any adult human would say this twice.

She either needs to be taken off “door duties” completely or just adjust her manner with everyone, I.e just say “say goodbye”. TBH I’m surprised she’s not on a formal warning.

I would put in a formal complaint- what if she’s saying it to him on other occasions when you aren’t there?

Sorry? So OP needs to arrive early, even though we don’t know her routine or requirements in the morning, to avoid someone who at best needs taking off greeting duties or needs sacking!

The OP should not need to do anything different, the OP and DN is not the issue!

Not able to do your job, then get a different one.

This is totally unacceptable.
if one of the children was allergic to say dairy it could be catastrophic if she “forgot”.
I wonder if you could turn this into a joke with your nephew, could he star saying “Hello Sir” first before she opens her mouth!

The TA has been made aware several times, what makes you think an “open letter” will change that? She’s witnessed him upset and vomiting and not stopped!

You need to have a very firm chat with school and TA. Poor little mite.

This is not on Op, a one off maybe, repeatedly absolutely not. She is on autopilot and needs to give her head a good shake poor wee lad

This is definitely not right, you sound like you’ve dealt with it well so far but I think you would be best advised to email the head now listing the times it’s happened, who you’ve already spoken to and the impact on your nephew and asking what they are going to do about it. I used to hold a management role, though not a head, in a primary school and I’m appalled that they haven’t contacted you to check he’s OK and explain how they will all-but-guarantee it won’t happen again. The TA concerned is either not capable of doing the job (in which case there are protocols that need to be followed) or needs a formal warning and disciplinary escalation in line with the school’s policies. A reminder to all staff about not referring to anyone dropping off or picking up pupils by ‘relationship name’ unless necessary and you are absolutely certain should have gone out after the second time too and permanent redeployment of the door duties unless absolutely no other option. Most people working in schools probably wouldn’t assume who was dropping him off anyway but doing it repeatedly after seeing the impact is wholly unacceptable. I understand why you’re thinking of taking him out but It seems it seems unfair that your nephew should miss out on going to the club with his friend because of this. I hope he’s feeling a bit better tonight and you can get a better response from the head.