AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

Me too, if I’d done this once it would regularly wake me up at 3AM.

OP, I’m so sorry this is happening, have you spoken to the head about this? It seems like it might be stopping at the deputy head? Which is obviously unacceptable at this stage.

You absolutely need to become THAT adult for your nephew. I’m a school teacher and this is the kind of parental/guardian intervention that is necessary. The point is it’s not just the door - this TA (and any others) need to know that he is emotionally vulnerable and needs protection - because you will get this on Mothers Day and other times of the year: “today we’re going to make cards for our Mummies”. They will read about Mummies in books - “what does your Mummy do that makes you feel special?” On and on. When I was teacher trained I had it hammered into me that you talk about a child’s adults - “ make sure that you ask your grown up for permission” or about “the people who look after you”. The TA needs to learn FAST - it’s not difficult.

Yeah, teacher of many years and when I saw your title, I thought I hear we go again, but when I read it, I’m 100% with you. Poor little fella. Everyone makes mistakes, slips of the tongue, I know I have but the fact she’s done it repeatedly isn’t good enough. My heart goes out to you and him. The TA will be mortified (she should be) but she needs to know. Praying that you and the little one have a better time of it x

I wasn't suggesting that at all.

My point was there's no need for the TA to assume an adult with a child is "mummy". If the TA is too stupid/has some sort of issue where they can't remember people that seems the best option.

Might be children with foster parents, step parents, nannies, cousins, sisters so it's probably safer not to assume if you don't know someone.

Not suggesting to avoid the word in all circumstances!

I think you need to complain formally now. There’s no excuse for this and it is really damaging for your dn. I would be (inwardly) livid with that TA

I used to work in education and I think this is completely outrageous.

ALL staff in schools I previously worked in were made aware of such circumstances to avoid exactly this sort of situation. In the bigger schools I worked in some staff (such as catering) struggled to keep up so they'd always play it safe by saying, "let your adult at home know".

Definitely time to formally complain.

I’m a teacher and this is absolutely inexcusable now. The TA has been reminded patiently but now needs properly bollocking.

Kick up a fuss, this is not acceptable. She doesn’t even need to remember every child’s name, just stopping assuming that the person dropping them off is mummy / daddy if you don’t know everyone. I help at a kid’s event and take such care never to use the term parents or mummy / daddy because I don’t know who everyone comes with, there could be step parents, grandparents, aunties/uncles, foster parents….

I could barely believe what I was reading! How completely vile of the TA. I am concerned that this is bullying or targeted behaviour on the TA's part.

I would absolutely raise hell for this. Your poor DN.

Also, completely not the point, but if the TA is doing this to your DN, I suspect this will be a pattern of behaviour where they are not a safe adult for other children at school.

No I'd want this TA fired. She's either cognitively impaired in some way or a bully. Either way she has no business being anywhere near kids.

Nobody forgets 6 times, nobody.

Tbf, you don’t know what’s been going on for them today. I’m SLT and have days where I barely get a chance to look at my emails, or some crisis has totally taken over everything.

Anyway, I generally find mumsnet full of people making very unreasonable demands of schools. In this situation however, I think it’s absolutely dreadful this has been allowed to continue. Your nephew is a vulnerable child and they should be going above and beyond to help him feel settled. Remembering to call you by your correct name is the bare minimum.

I’m just wondering if you have given them the alternative title you prefer? I’m in an area where every one gets called Auntie which makes it pretty easy tbh!

So many children do not live with a mummy or daddy. Unless I was sure, I used to say eg 'Wave goodbye! See you later!' or, at a push, 'Wave goodbye to your grown up!' Grown up could be mum/gran/auntie/big sister/step mum/foster carer/care home carer/Florence/Beryl/Susan' and all the male equivalents.

I am so sorry for you and your nephew OP. I am a teacher, read the title and rolled my eyes but this is completely unacceptable. In my school, if it would have happened once the TA would have had a serious conversation wih the head and nore than that would have been taken very seriously indeed. Email the school and complain formally, detailing every time it has happened, asking what they have done about it and what they intend to do. Your nephew (who I assume is considered vulnerable/looked after given his history) should not have to give up something that he otherwise enjoys because of an adult causing him repeated emotional distress. I hope you get a resolution that allows him to continue going to breakfast club.

Brilliant and spot-on comment. 👏
At my DC's school for pick-up the teacher asks, Do you see your adult?, and the child has to then point to their person.

I’m a teacher and I think you are right to complain. This TA sounds hopeless.

That is unacceptable. Poor boy.

This! Unfortunately, I'm not surprised .... we had a situation when grandpa was killed, situation was extremely stressful for the whole family (issues with police, couldn't get body, etc). School knew everything, we even provided papers from police as needed to travel abroad for body. Gues what - we came back after funeral and child's teacher asked why we took unauthorised leave 😔 My son spent half of the day crying until they call me after lunchtime to collect him because "he's not feeling well ". We literally had a meeting with the same teacher 5 days ago!
Some people shouldn't work at school.

I’ve done the thing people hate and shown DH the thread. Reading all the posts he’s come completely around about paying and we will be complaining properly.

He’s rejigged some things so he can do boys breakfast club on Monday while I go into the school and make (insist on?) an appointment with the Head Teacher to discuss how appallingly this has been dealt with and how we go forward.

i work in a school and I would be appalled if this happened at all. Once, is bad enough - the TA needs to stop it. They could just say ‘say goodbye’. You really need to complain. There is no excuse! This makes me really cross.

That poor child. This is a terrible thing to read, it isn’t that hard to underside the vulnerable kids in a class of 25.

what a prick of a TA. Theee is no excuse

I don’t know what day they’ve had. But I do know the SLT and it’s very surprising that none of them took a minute to check on DN. with the way they do things it’s very unusual that they haven’t so will be interesting to see what’s said on Monday.

The school know what he calls us. DN went to the nursery in the school for a term before the summer. I had to stop volunteering in the school when we took him in. The SLT and all the staff around DN know the situation very well.

I am so glad that this post was here when I refreshed before posting. It is rare that I feel emotional over a stranger but my heart feels so heavy for your little nephew. He has had so much to cope with already and it is wonderful he has you in his corner.

You're doing an amazing job, with this and in general!

You need to put this in writing pronto, detailing the timeline as you've done here.
Be factual: this happened, these many times, nothing has been done. How narrowminded, dangerous and unreasonable it is to assume that a female adult dropping/picking up a child is their mother.
And then layer on the emotion: child is distressed, this is exacerbating his recent trauma.

Be BRUTAL and get it in writing. To the HT, Deputy HT and Governors. Make a fuss. Request an answer and next steps. Follow up with calls and request in person meetings if needed. Then send more letters/ emails if needed so there is a paper trail.

You're doing great clocking and addressing this situation.

I wouldn’t withdraw him but I would speak to the school and make it clear how unhappy I was and ask them to explain what steps they will be taking to make sure it doesn’t happen again.